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- #85
I have tried many times to work out on it. I feel I have pushed myself so hard to get mother love. I think, I was very empathic person from childhood. I would look at motherly women and look at how they give love to their kids. I could understand it is from them, from their own motherly hearts and not from kids. Kids don't know at all and they are new to this world. So I tried to go near my bio mother and ended up getting rejected every time I tried to contact her. This hurt my trust for her and of course it washed of all good impressions I had on my mind. I used to think she is loving me, but I can't see that. Now I know reality, she has never tried to take care of me. She thinks of me for a while, sees me as difficult kid to handle. She never made any good effort for me. I have history of physical issues from childhood and perhaps she senses that she will have to be with me all the time. She says she is busy all the time.
When I told her you don't love me, I know that. She told me look at those mothers, their kids are very obedient. This is why their mothers love their kids. You don't obey me. See, sunshine? Loving someone doesn't mean make them obey you blindly. She is completely unaware that most mothers unconditional love. She received lots of love from her own mother and proper healthy attention. but she hasn't given me anything, that's a puzzle. She comes across as very selfish, childish and self centered person.
This hurt me the most. I learned mothers are always with you. I thought why my bio mother isn't being with me? How she can leave me in crucial conditions? I don't know my dad knows this all or not. But he always defended her and I have seen one thing, she likes to be defended and protected by dad.
We have hardly conversed with each other. Just for few minutes. Most time verbal fight happens and she always wins them all. I tried to spend time with her and made sure of it. I was willing to talk with her and grow more with her. But she never showed any interest in me. Now I have nothing for her. I am going to forget her after sometime and will think I saw a very bad dream. I will begin to move on from this parents. I don't see any meaning or anything left in this relationship. They have given me hard moments each time. Never supported me. Never told me two kind words. I have no tears for them either.
Sometimes I think she is one of those women who don't like boy kids. They take kids as interference in their marital life. Her behavior towards me shows this all. I don't like my bio mother because she has almost no respect for life. When family members are around us, she gives me attention. but I feel that is complete fake attention. She fears of getting exposed. This is what I have picked up.
