I guess, as so many don't understand self-harm, I'd like to perhaps explain from my perspective? For those who struggle to understand why people do this; and also for those who currently are still in the stranglehold of self-harm. Because I overcame it. So can you.
First things first. Self harm comes in many forms. Not just in physical injury, but also in eating disorders, smoking, alcoholism... it's all the same concept. Self harm means just that... harming yourself. But I'll talk specifically about cutting and burning. Apologies if this is in the wrong section Anthony...?
So I used to be a chronic self-harmer. I have well over 200 scars and have had to have dermatology treatment from a top dermatology hospital in London to try to lessen some of the scars. I first self-harmed when I was 12, and the last time I self-harmed was when I was 20. I am 22 now, and my three year no-self-harm anniversary is in May. Why did I self-harm? By accident initially. In the school toilets, very distressed and running down to the last cubicle, I caught my arm on a sharp edge. I noticed that it didn't really hurt. Actually it felt quite relieving. That's how I 'discovered' my best friend and worst enemy. I had a couple of bouts, and then from the age of 14-20 I was gaining another cut at least once a week on average. At times more, at times a little less. I never made it more than a month without one.
Why did I do this? Well, people self-harm for many reasons. And what started off as a release from extreme emotional pressure and physical tension, soon became something I did for most of the reasons people describe. I see it as an extension of the kind of feeling you get when you're REALLY stressed, to the point you might clench your fists, or punch something in anger or extreme distress. When we do that, we release physical tension, and the pain or injury causes the brain to release endorphins into the blood stream. It is this that some say causes the 'addictive' or 'habitual' aspect of self-harm. As someone who was forbidden and punished both at school and home for showing emotion, it was easier to release it quietly in the form of a cut or burn. That way I didn't cry or shout in anger, and didn't get punished. It also validated my pain. I spent so long being disbelieved or blamed, that those scars represented in physical, permanent form that things DID happen. And I could never believe otherwise, and nobody could convince me... because I had the scars to prove it with. This became my secret. The one thing nobody could deny or take from me.
Though others may use their self-harm to communicate their pain when they don't feel understood or listened to. For me, it was more private than that. And there are a small proportion of self-harmers who use it to manipulate others around them and will self-harm in front of people. One example is a friend who lived with a very mentally ill mother. And when her mother lost it, she would cut herself in front of her. This would shock her mother out of a rage and to care for her instead of hitting her. Either way, it's a very desperate thing to do. That's why people get shocked by it, because it is extreme behaviour... and desperate.
For me, as time went by, it became the only viable coping mechanism I could rely on. And its uses expanded. I found myself doing it in deep depression and dissociation to 'wake' me up. Or shock me out of a state in order to get on with my day. Again, biologically endorphins and adrenalin is the mechanism for this. So it became something I did both to wake my body up into reality when dissociating or depersonalised, or in a fuge state I couldn't switch out of. I needed to do that, otherwise my inner turmoil and psychological problems would become apparant to people around me. To me, at that time, this was not an option. And it also became my quiet way to 'cry', or 'shout' without making noise or drawing attention to myself. I also realised the benefit of having something I could press. The cut or burn wasn't just what I used at desperate moments...but when being bullied, hit, or abused, I could focus on the stinging of a cut or burn instead of what was happening at the time. And then there was the self-hating side of it. I did it at times to punish myself. Some kind of naive twisted way of 'conditioning' myself not to think about certain things, and for a few months... not to eat.
And... I hope nobody thinks me a freak for this. But it's also not uncommon for self-harm to happen in areas of the body that are more shocking for some to hear about. I went through a period of time where I took to cutting my groin. I know. It shocks me now to think back. Luckily at that point the cuts were not so deep (the injuries got more severe as time went on) so the scars are not noticeable. Why did I do that? Partly because it was easier to hide, and I remember thinking "it's not like I'm ever going to have sex or have a boyfriend". Also because I hated anything sexual to the point that I think I wanted to represent that on my body, looking back. But also so that if I was touched there, I could feel pain and distract myself. This is not so unusual as some might think. Some may do it to put off their abusers too.
At the end of the day... we all cope whatever way we can. For me, I did my best to cope however I could most effectively. The self-harm then became a habit. This way of coping became habitual to the point that I didn't trust myself to learn how to cope otherwise. I also found it hard to grasp the concept of WHY I should stop... I would think "It's my body. It's only scars." But this was part of my extremely low self-esteem.
In the end, what made me decide to stop, and commit myself to that? Well, partly because I needed 7 stitches. I went to work pretending that it wasn't that bad, and worked the whole day with a fat arm of bandages. I got home, and prayed it wasn't as bad as it looked in the morning. But it was. I had to go to hospital. I was treated like a freak. And I learned that I had scarred my arm so badly that the skin would not cope and that the damage had caused my skin to split and need the stitches. I realised to continue with this self-harming, I would have to start on a new area of my body. And I didn't want to. I had mutilated my body and made it look ugly enough on one arm. I realised that i could continue to self harm my whole life... and end up with a body of scars instead of just one arm. I didn't really want that. It came at a time where I was preparing to go to university and start my 'new life'. And at a relatively quiet time where my only trauma's were calling the police out every month when my dad was drunk and threatening with a knife. Yes, to me, this was a 'quiet' time of my life! But nonetheless, this was the case, and I had a very, very supportive friend, was away from my abusive therapist, was beginning a new start, and was learning to cope in other ways and beginning to deal with some of my issues.
It wasn't easy. Breaking a habit is not easy. And I felt for a long time that the coping strategies I had to use instead weren't as good. I felt more pain, more depression and could not block things out any more the way I used to be able to. I couldn't use self harm to 'snap' out of a state and get on with life, so to a certain degree life was harder to cope with, and I wasn't able to keep up the face I usually kept. which meant I had times where I didn't go out, and upset friends. Because usually I would use self-harm to keep manically going and block out. But now, I had to deal with things, and learn to sit through things. And there were times I was so desperate all I wanted was to cut myself up. But, with the help of a friend that I kept a promise to call every time I felt close to cutting... I learned not to. I cut maybe twice in the initial two months after the stitches. And I allowed a steam burn in my first year of uni. But everybody has setbacks... and I haven't self-harmed since. Now... I am proud of myself for this. I realise now how much I wasn't helping myself, and was probably consolidating the PTSD by blocking out with self-harm. Not self-harming is more painful... but it is allowing me to work through issues and hope for a better life without PTSD. I don't believe, as a chronic and regular self-harmer, it would be possible for me to face my emotions as much as I do. And I am still awful at this. But I'm working and moving forwards, and not backwards now. Now, after some dermatology treatment, and time.. the scars are not looking quiet as bad as they were either. I will always have scars. So I don't wear sleeveless tops, or tops with sleeves that start above my elbow. But there could have been so much more damage had I have not stopped when I did.
First things first. Self harm comes in many forms. Not just in physical injury, but also in eating disorders, smoking, alcoholism... it's all the same concept. Self harm means just that... harming yourself. But I'll talk specifically about cutting and burning. Apologies if this is in the wrong section Anthony...?
So I used to be a chronic self-harmer. I have well over 200 scars and have had to have dermatology treatment from a top dermatology hospital in London to try to lessen some of the scars. I first self-harmed when I was 12, and the last time I self-harmed was when I was 20. I am 22 now, and my three year no-self-harm anniversary is in May. Why did I self-harm? By accident initially. In the school toilets, very distressed and running down to the last cubicle, I caught my arm on a sharp edge. I noticed that it didn't really hurt. Actually it felt quite relieving. That's how I 'discovered' my best friend and worst enemy. I had a couple of bouts, and then from the age of 14-20 I was gaining another cut at least once a week on average. At times more, at times a little less. I never made it more than a month without one.
Why did I do this? Well, people self-harm for many reasons. And what started off as a release from extreme emotional pressure and physical tension, soon became something I did for most of the reasons people describe. I see it as an extension of the kind of feeling you get when you're REALLY stressed, to the point you might clench your fists, or punch something in anger or extreme distress. When we do that, we release physical tension, and the pain or injury causes the brain to release endorphins into the blood stream. It is this that some say causes the 'addictive' or 'habitual' aspect of self-harm. As someone who was forbidden and punished both at school and home for showing emotion, it was easier to release it quietly in the form of a cut or burn. That way I didn't cry or shout in anger, and didn't get punished. It also validated my pain. I spent so long being disbelieved or blamed, that those scars represented in physical, permanent form that things DID happen. And I could never believe otherwise, and nobody could convince me... because I had the scars to prove it with. This became my secret. The one thing nobody could deny or take from me.
Though others may use their self-harm to communicate their pain when they don't feel understood or listened to. For me, it was more private than that. And there are a small proportion of self-harmers who use it to manipulate others around them and will self-harm in front of people. One example is a friend who lived with a very mentally ill mother. And when her mother lost it, she would cut herself in front of her. This would shock her mother out of a rage and to care for her instead of hitting her. Either way, it's a very desperate thing to do. That's why people get shocked by it, because it is extreme behaviour... and desperate.
For me, as time went by, it became the only viable coping mechanism I could rely on. And its uses expanded. I found myself doing it in deep depression and dissociation to 'wake' me up. Or shock me out of a state in order to get on with my day. Again, biologically endorphins and adrenalin is the mechanism for this. So it became something I did both to wake my body up into reality when dissociating or depersonalised, or in a fuge state I couldn't switch out of. I needed to do that, otherwise my inner turmoil and psychological problems would become apparant to people around me. To me, at that time, this was not an option. And it also became my quiet way to 'cry', or 'shout' without making noise or drawing attention to myself. I also realised the benefit of having something I could press. The cut or burn wasn't just what I used at desperate moments...but when being bullied, hit, or abused, I could focus on the stinging of a cut or burn instead of what was happening at the time. And then there was the self-hating side of it. I did it at times to punish myself. Some kind of naive twisted way of 'conditioning' myself not to think about certain things, and for a few months... not to eat.
And... I hope nobody thinks me a freak for this. But it's also not uncommon for self-harm to happen in areas of the body that are more shocking for some to hear about. I went through a period of time where I took to cutting my groin. I know. It shocks me now to think back. Luckily at that point the cuts were not so deep (the injuries got more severe as time went on) so the scars are not noticeable. Why did I do that? Partly because it was easier to hide, and I remember thinking "it's not like I'm ever going to have sex or have a boyfriend". Also because I hated anything sexual to the point that I think I wanted to represent that on my body, looking back. But also so that if I was touched there, I could feel pain and distract myself. This is not so unusual as some might think. Some may do it to put off their abusers too.
At the end of the day... we all cope whatever way we can. For me, I did my best to cope however I could most effectively. The self-harm then became a habit. This way of coping became habitual to the point that I didn't trust myself to learn how to cope otherwise. I also found it hard to grasp the concept of WHY I should stop... I would think "It's my body. It's only scars." But this was part of my extremely low self-esteem.
In the end, what made me decide to stop, and commit myself to that? Well, partly because I needed 7 stitches. I went to work pretending that it wasn't that bad, and worked the whole day with a fat arm of bandages. I got home, and prayed it wasn't as bad as it looked in the morning. But it was. I had to go to hospital. I was treated like a freak. And I learned that I had scarred my arm so badly that the skin would not cope and that the damage had caused my skin to split and need the stitches. I realised to continue with this self-harming, I would have to start on a new area of my body. And I didn't want to. I had mutilated my body and made it look ugly enough on one arm. I realised that i could continue to self harm my whole life... and end up with a body of scars instead of just one arm. I didn't really want that. It came at a time where I was preparing to go to university and start my 'new life'. And at a relatively quiet time where my only trauma's were calling the police out every month when my dad was drunk and threatening with a knife. Yes, to me, this was a 'quiet' time of my life! But nonetheless, this was the case, and I had a very, very supportive friend, was away from my abusive therapist, was beginning a new start, and was learning to cope in other ways and beginning to deal with some of my issues.
It wasn't easy. Breaking a habit is not easy. And I felt for a long time that the coping strategies I had to use instead weren't as good. I felt more pain, more depression and could not block things out any more the way I used to be able to. I couldn't use self harm to 'snap' out of a state and get on with life, so to a certain degree life was harder to cope with, and I wasn't able to keep up the face I usually kept. which meant I had times where I didn't go out, and upset friends. Because usually I would use self-harm to keep manically going and block out. But now, I had to deal with things, and learn to sit through things. And there were times I was so desperate all I wanted was to cut myself up. But, with the help of a friend that I kept a promise to call every time I felt close to cutting... I learned not to. I cut maybe twice in the initial two months after the stitches. And I allowed a steam burn in my first year of uni. But everybody has setbacks... and I haven't self-harmed since. Now... I am proud of myself for this. I realise now how much I wasn't helping myself, and was probably consolidating the PTSD by blocking out with self-harm. Not self-harming is more painful... but it is allowing me to work through issues and hope for a better life without PTSD. I don't believe, as a chronic and regular self-harmer, it would be possible for me to face my emotions as much as I do. And I am still awful at this. But I'm working and moving forwards, and not backwards now. Now, after some dermatology treatment, and time.. the scars are not looking quiet as bad as they were either. I will always have scars. So I don't wear sleeveless tops, or tops with sleeves that start above my elbow. But there could have been so much more damage had I have not stopped when I did.
