Breathtaking Velocity Of Churning Through Relationship Freaking Me Out

[maryiscontrary]

Digger, this is awesome. Thank you for carving out a path so that I can cultivate insight. I use zombie attacks humorously because of the absurd. repetitive nature of the situation. I don't see these people in black and white, I see them as wounded in such a way that it makes my intimacy and honest communication with them impossible.

For instance, I will need to move residences ASAP because of this:
https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/pl...ationships-are-too-needy-and-stressful.47031/

I mean, the huge stress, expense, and the upset of having to remove myself from really bad situations, over and over, is affecting my life in a very negative way. This has happened so many times in the last few years, that I cannot count.

There have been some really wonderful people, but there have been even more that have invaded (blindsighted) me, despite really exercising the above boundaries, sneaky bastards, who weasel their way in a leave me to deal will trails of destruction. I am not saying these are evil people, just dysfunctional in a way that is impossible for me to be around them.
Empathy. If I am telling the person my feeling about something important, using nonviolent communication, and they do not get it after a couple of tries, I figure there is something "missing" and I understand that they may never see my POV. Somebody with empathy will try to get the gist, like you guys, somebody who you try to explain over and over, and still won't/can't get it, needs to be put on a long, long leash so they can't hurt you.

 

[maryiscontrary]

I am on the autism spectrum and I have huge emotional empathy. You are referring to cognitive empathy deficits, which is why I can miss out on conniving, office politics, and other drama. People who are two faced. Can't pick them out real well.

 

[Friday]

So... I have this real thing for sociopaths. Also adrenaline junkies. I very naturally gravitate towards these two (very different) groups of people. Sociopaths because they're relaxing, adrenaline junkies because they're enervating. But why I do it is very much besides the point. The point is that I do. So if I were to extrapolate the number of sociopaths and adrenaline junkies in the world based off of owe in my acquaintance? Ummmmm... Skewed data. Massively skewed data.

People are known for their physical preferences. (Tall, dark, and handsome, blondes are more fun, etc.). But most people also have their personality types. The people they naturally gravitate towards. Both in the people they like, and the people who like them.

I decided not to date right after my divorce, because my own personality not even entering into things, divorced single moms going through hell are natural targets for 2 types of men: knights in shining armor, and pedophiles. Clearly, the pedophile is worse news, but the KISA? Not fair to them. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but someday (and soon?) I will be okay again. KISAs are invested in my remaining broken. In being needed. In having someone to protect. That's perfectly fine and lovely, but not what I want. They tend to serial monogamy from one broken winged bird to the next. I don't want to be with someone who is attracted to me when I'm that level of broken. I want someone who wants to be with me when I'm doing well. Who is invested in my being the best I can be, not the worst. Who can be my partner, not just my protector.

When I'm in the same situation you are (looking at skewed data) one of the most helpful things to me is to look at whether I'm seeking these people out or they're seeking me out. I'm the common denominator in both, but there are very different solutions to the problem.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Wow, codependents and narcissists magnet! I see what you are saying! Sometimes it is really good to have your own space after trauma like that. Thank you for sharing. Maybe I need to be alone....
.
The only solution is a deeper one. Maybe I need to have these interactions with these character disturbed people, as it hones my skill for assertive communications. Each time I deal with a narc (sometimes hard to spot) or psychopath, it is like I get more effective and ballzy dealing with these jackasses. I mean, I make it so difficult when a narcissist discovers that I don't play ball and that I am so scary that its best not to mess! I have developed skills. My grieving skills are becoming efficient.

So you think I am learning this repetitive lesson so that I become skilled with deflecting BS? BS warrior? Judge Judy? Better emotional regulation through practice?

 

[anthony]

I think your boundaries list above is pretty acceptable. I can't have toxic people around me who yell, rant and rave in an abusive manner. (fun yelling acceptable - watching sports, cheering, so forth) I don't have animals for similar reasons, because while they're lovely to have, they can really cause havoc when you just want to go and enjoy yourself, and I don't need that from myself, or anyone else. Can't stand liars. I can tolerate little white lies, but I still don't like them. I would rather people just shoot between the lines with me, and I will give them the same courtesy.

I have to agree with you... there are just a lot of toxic people in this world.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Yes amigo, there sure are. Thanks for your thinking. I mean, we all should aim to develop self compassion and respect on this forum. Boundaries are great! I thought long and hard about that boundary list when I was making it up.

This is why I refer it as the Zombie Apocalypse, lol! I mean, none of us are perfect, but I don't want to be around reckless people.

 

[GWhizz]

I like to think of it this way: there's bacteria everywhere. But if you're immune to most of it and wash your hands of a lot of it, it can't really hurt you

 

[maryiscontrary]

Yes, so true. I am so grateful for you guys. You guys are so helpful for keeping me grounded. I sometimes wonder if I am going crazy because of sheer repetitive nature, but you guys really help with perspective. I very much thank you.

 

[Dana1010]

You probably want to look at your relationship with your father and what kind of person he was. Mine was a narcissistic sociopath, and lo and behold, the first few men I dated were also on the narcissist/SP spectrum. I couldn't understand why I couldn't meet a decent man. I had a picture of him in my mind - soulful, romantic, thoughtful - so why couldn't I get anywhere near it? It wasn't until recently that I learned about renegotiation syndrome, where you subconsciously gravitate towards men who mirror your father so that you can confront and "fix" the broken relationship through them. Except there's no fixing those people.

My last relationship was with an earth angel who I will always remember as the one who showed me goodness for the first time. However, that ended almost two years ago, and now since PTSD has struck, I feel like I will never date again though I still have moments where I feel like I could really use the validation. What I'd like is to climb in someone's window at midnight and leave at dawn - maybe not even sex, just company. Someone who wouldn't pry too much or ask questions, or try to take a picture to post on his facebook or expect me to impress his friends. Do they have an app for that?

 

[maryiscontrary]

Dana, this is deeply thought provoking. Good old "repetition compulsion". I am not one for "woo woo" theories, as I am a science geek, but there does seem to be a "law of attraction" thingy going on. The men in my family, and I have traced it 4 generations, have strong antisocial traits, like your Dad.. My dad and uncle have it, even though they did not even know my grandfather, who bailed when they were babies. Genetic transmission, me thinks.

Dana, I wonder myself if I am capable of a relationship as well. I totally feel for you. What my deep gut is telling me is that I need to only associate with healthy people....for all relationships, business, friendships, romantic. It is not healthy to isolate, but I believe that when used for building energy reserves, that solitude is integral for renewal.

I have a boyfriend who is a great person, but when we spend too much time together, he becomes unhinged, thus really stressing me out. We get along fabulously at 2500 miles apart. And being together for less than a month duration at a time. But he starts to lose his temper over nothing when we spend too much time together, and I start to recoil, because he can't hear anything I am saying at that moment. So in a way, I totally understand you wanting a part time thing.

 

[Dewline]

Thanks so much...it was just bothering me the sheer quantity of unhealthy people who pop up in my life. It is like a brain screw, you know?

Thank you for writing about the numbers of unhealthy people out there. I recently started dating again after a ten year hiatus, and am dismayed by some behavior. There's no shortage of men who push for physical initimacy without asking if I'm interested, or giving me their last name and some background. I'd expected that from 30 year olds, but i'm talking about men in their 60s.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Yes Dew, there seems to be no shortage of boundary crashers. Most of these folks are not bad people, but have behaviors that scare the crap out of someone who is trying to be healthy. I am sorry for the crummy experience you had.