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Brink Of Disaster

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sonicwhite

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Ok, so about a week or two I was really depressed. I mean the lowest I have ever been. I said to myself over and over death is sweeter than this life. I have only had these thoughts once before and it was when I went cold turkey from abusing gabapentin.


I am on gabapentin. I abuse it because it gets me high. It's tolerance raises quickly so I have to stretch without a high dose for a couple of days to retrieve the high again. So even tho I always come out ahead, this time I didn't I mean I have some to get me thru to the next doctors appt because I get eight hundred mg of gabapentin four times a day and usually only take three four hundred mg a day when I'm trying to take it right.


I was seriously losing it. Everyday felt like the brink was right there. I have had terrible "to be continued" dreams every night for a month. These dreams would make me so uneasy that I would even say screw it I want to smoke but careless to. I know I need to get off of gabapentin. It is controlling me and I don't want this. The suicidle thoughts just kept getting worse. I was like I'm going to end this if this pain doesn't stop. Now gabapentin ain't just the issue. I do have massive nightmares that leave me wanting to commit suicide. Also I take a powder plant called kratom. Last month I went thru 300 grams in about twenty two days. This can have massive depression upon ceasing.



I'm beginning to think all my problems are caused by abusing stuff. All my pain is because of this addictive personality I have. Now I'm taking into consideration weeding out what is bad. I really didn't think the kratom was anything to worry about but boy I'm thinking it does have a lot to do with it. I only started thinking that was the main issue today when I picked up my mail and got mine today. Kratom is legal in forty eight states. It works on the opiate receptors in the stomach to fool your mind that you took a pain pill, not as clean but still feels like it.



So while I'm going thru all of this I start to think why? Why is this happening to a Christian like me. Where is the joy the bible speaks of and where is God in all of this. I got to do things. I can't just lay in bed watching the world go by. I can't take drugs with psych medication. So honestly I know and I don't know what to do. Some ppl can go on and off of kratom just fine but I have PTSD AND MAJOR DEPRESSION. I can't be gambling my life with such substances. My faith in God is what got me thru the rough part. I realize I'm going to have to change. I'm going to have to stop this train wreck. I was getting calls and messages on fb and I would not answer. I was so so so darn depressed. And suicide was pretty much the focal thought I thought about the whole day. Sure when I took my normal moderate dose of kratom it went away. I think anybody having a high will jump them out of depression.



Kratom can be a tool to build or a weapon to destroy. In my case I'm going to have to make my mind up that substance abuse whether it's legal or not, I just can't do. Please those of your who know the Lord and even those who don't. Pray for me. Give me hope. Give me reason. Now these are just a few factors that are the problem. Nightmares are my worst enemy. And I can't help having those because I suffer from PTSD and clinical depression among other DX disorders. Please offer me advice. Comfort me that I'm not alone.
 
I will pray for you.

Some people are more sensitive to substances than others. Some are even sensitive to normal components of a human diet! We all vary in what we can handle.

Getting clean is going to be very hard, but you can do it. And maybe once you are clean your symptoms will subside and you might not need so many psychiatric medications?
 
That could be the case. I hope so. I hope this is all because of addiction and my eyes and heart are being opened by the profound effects of these drugs in a bad way.
 
Ok, so about a week or two I was really depressed. I mean the lowest I have ever been. I said to myse...
Please have faith and hope and trust God. I say, Miracles happen to those who believe. You can do it you can succeed. A very special man in my life suffers daily, at times blame, I k is that's not true and because I love him so I will be here for him always

You can beat it. Have faith and believe
 
It's not only this that i stated above. I'm going through something very personal that is hard to tell ppl because I fear I will be forced to move or that I will either be hurt. This personal issue is hard to tell anyone because I feel like I have left it go along so long that it doesn't even phase me, yet I'm riddled with guilt about this. It's not my fault. It is someone else doing this to me. Honestly that is too much info to let out but I think most here understand what I'm trying to say.
 
It's not only this that i stated above. I'm going through something very personal that is hard to tel...
I absolutely understand but you have to remember one thing, if God brings you to it, he will also bring you thru it. Don't be afraid to open up and let your feelings and thoughts out. You will feel better in the long run. If someone judges you wrongly than that's their problem not yours, this I tell the one I love when he starts getting down on himself
You got a friend here. God Bless
 
For the most part I love. I love and desire all to come to know how I recieved this type of love. Through Christ. And I don't mean to offend anyone. I don't argue. I would rather listen and if you don't want anything to do with it that's your choice. I'm not condemning. For the most part last night I went to bed around eleven thirty. I woke up at four thirty in the afternoon. Man I know I was tired. These to be continued dreams are defiantly something else. I mean they have been going on for like a month now. I really didn't have anxiety upon waking today which is rare but does happen. I sleep right thru everything because I'm such a hard sleeper. And being on seroqual and Remeron will knock you out like crazy. Lol.
 
For the most part I love. I love and desire all to come to know how I recieved this type of love. Thr...
See now doesn't it feel better to talk and get everything out. I know somedays can be hard, but those are the times you lean on the ones that will listen and get you thru it. Keep the faith, my friend
Kim
 
@sonicwhite , you said you were not going to take the stuff you ordered.:(

I'm beginning to think all my problems are caused by abusing stuff.
Don't think, know, because it is fact. Addiction affects your thinking, hence you end up making bad decisions, you otherwise wouldn't have made.

Seriously, the only reason I respond to your thread is because of my mother. I couldn't save her. You are like the 30-year-old male version her. You remind me so much of her it is scary. So in my own pathology, I guess you could say part of me feels that if I can just see you get clean and healthy it would kind of makeup for not being able to save my mother. I guess part of me start to panic and gripped by fear that you are going to die because you are doing the same exact things she did. Prescription abuse, street drugs, you name it.

Maybe reply to your threads is a bit of trauma reenactment for me, because I feel like I am in that place all over again, begging my mom to get clean. But for me seeing you get clean is personal for me. It has become my exposure therapy I guess.

Please, stop worrying about being lazy and let yourself get all the rest you need as someone who is recovering from a disease.You body needs time to heal, just like anyone recovering from a serious illness. You don't need pills to amp you up, you need to sleep.

Are your nightmares about past trauma or are they about fears you have. If they are the later, then that means you need to change something.
 
Nightmares are my worst enemy. And I can't help having those because I suffer from PTSD and clinical depression among other DX disorders.
These to be continued dreams are defiantly something else. I mean they have been going on for like a month now. I really didn't have anxiety upon waking today which is rare but does happen. I sleep right thru everything because I'm such a hard sleeper. And being on seroqual and Remeron will knock you out like crazy.
I know there's a lot more in your post too, and I know that changing off of drugs is not an easy option for you, but if the nightmares are a big issue for you then Remeron (mirtazapine) could well be a factor in that.

It is well known for it unfortunately. I had the most vivid and freaky dreams and nightmares on it that I've ever had. I have nightmares anyway, but these were another level, so real that I would wake up and my brain wouldn't be able to separate the dreams from reality for a while and I would experience a flashback like effect to them throughout the day.

I know trying to come off another drug might be too much for you at the moment, and mirtazapine can be hard to withdraw from, but it might be worth discussing with your doc.
 
For the most part I love. I love and desire all to come to know how I recieved this type of love. Thr...

You sound exactly like me. When I was 50 I made a promise to myself I would never argue again, I've kept that promise.

Jesus Christ gave me the gift of Forgiveness and Love when I was 32. I can remember the day well.
 
I have always shown mercy to those who never shown mercy to me. It's only been recent that I have been kinda fed up with some of the things I deal with because one my careless attitude and two, other ppl who never helped me when I needed it the most.



I'm taking these requests to God so I don't have hate in my heart. I believe that since I was abusing illegal drugs that when my folly fell upon me it was my fault. I take into account that I was breaking the law so now I just ask God to use it for good in the Ministry that has already taken off since 06 when I accepted Christ as Lord and Savior.


We all go thru ups and downs. The OT in the bible is filled with men of God that were like me. I still make mistakes but one thing I have learned thru this hardship is that God is always there and suicide is not the answer at all. Gods grace cover me and gives me just enough to get by the day. Oh what a wonderful loving Lord we serve.
 
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