sonicwhite
Policy Enforcement
Ok, so about a week or two I was really depressed. I mean the lowest I have ever been. I said to myself over and over death is sweeter than this life. I have only had these thoughts once before and it was when I went cold turkey from abusing gabapentin.
I am on gabapentin. I abuse it because it gets me high. It's tolerance raises quickly so I have to stretch without a high dose for a couple of days to retrieve the high again. So even tho I always come out ahead, this time I didn't I mean I have some to get me thru to the next doctors appt because I get eight hundred mg of gabapentin four times a day and usually only take three four hundred mg a day when I'm trying to take it right.
I was seriously losing it. Everyday felt like the brink was right there. I have had terrible "to be continued" dreams every night for a month. These dreams would make me so uneasy that I would even say screw it I want to smoke but careless to. I know I need to get off of gabapentin. It is controlling me and I don't want this. The suicidle thoughts just kept getting worse. I was like I'm going to end this if this pain doesn't stop. Now gabapentin ain't just the issue. I do have massive nightmares that leave me wanting to commit suicide. Also I take a powder plant called kratom. Last month I went thru 300 grams in about twenty two days. This can have massive depression upon ceasing.
I'm beginning to think all my problems are caused by abusing stuff. All my pain is because of this addictive personality I have. Now I'm taking into consideration weeding out what is bad. I really didn't think the kratom was anything to worry about but boy I'm thinking it does have a lot to do with it. I only started thinking that was the main issue today when I picked up my mail and got mine today. Kratom is legal in forty eight states. It works on the opiate receptors in the stomach to fool your mind that you took a pain pill, not as clean but still feels like it.
So while I'm going thru all of this I start to think why? Why is this happening to a Christian like me. Where is the joy the bible speaks of and where is God in all of this. I got to do things. I can't just lay in bed watching the world go by. I can't take drugs with psych medication. So honestly I know and I don't know what to do. Some ppl can go on and off of kratom just fine but I have PTSD AND MAJOR DEPRESSION. I can't be gambling my life with such substances. My faith in God is what got me thru the rough part. I realize I'm going to have to change. I'm going to have to stop this train wreck. I was getting calls and messages on fb and I would not answer. I was so so so darn depressed. And suicide was pretty much the focal thought I thought about the whole day. Sure when I took my normal moderate dose of kratom it went away. I think anybody having a high will jump them out of depression.
Kratom can be a tool to build or a weapon to destroy. In my case I'm going to have to make my mind up that substance abuse whether it's legal or not, I just can't do. Please those of your who know the Lord and even those who don't. Pray for me. Give me hope. Give me reason. Now these are just a few factors that are the problem. Nightmares are my worst enemy. And I can't help having those because I suffer from PTSD and clinical depression among other DX disorders. Please offer me advice. Comfort me that I'm not alone.
I am on gabapentin. I abuse it because it gets me high. It's tolerance raises quickly so I have to stretch without a high dose for a couple of days to retrieve the high again. So even tho I always come out ahead, this time I didn't I mean I have some to get me thru to the next doctors appt because I get eight hundred mg of gabapentin four times a day and usually only take three four hundred mg a day when I'm trying to take it right.
I was seriously losing it. Everyday felt like the brink was right there. I have had terrible "to be continued" dreams every night for a month. These dreams would make me so uneasy that I would even say screw it I want to smoke but careless to. I know I need to get off of gabapentin. It is controlling me and I don't want this. The suicidle thoughts just kept getting worse. I was like I'm going to end this if this pain doesn't stop. Now gabapentin ain't just the issue. I do have massive nightmares that leave me wanting to commit suicide. Also I take a powder plant called kratom. Last month I went thru 300 grams in about twenty two days. This can have massive depression upon ceasing.
I'm beginning to think all my problems are caused by abusing stuff. All my pain is because of this addictive personality I have. Now I'm taking into consideration weeding out what is bad. I really didn't think the kratom was anything to worry about but boy I'm thinking it does have a lot to do with it. I only started thinking that was the main issue today when I picked up my mail and got mine today. Kratom is legal in forty eight states. It works on the opiate receptors in the stomach to fool your mind that you took a pain pill, not as clean but still feels like it.
So while I'm going thru all of this I start to think why? Why is this happening to a Christian like me. Where is the joy the bible speaks of and where is God in all of this. I got to do things. I can't just lay in bed watching the world go by. I can't take drugs with psych medication. So honestly I know and I don't know what to do. Some ppl can go on and off of kratom just fine but I have PTSD AND MAJOR DEPRESSION. I can't be gambling my life with such substances. My faith in God is what got me thru the rough part. I realize I'm going to have to change. I'm going to have to stop this train wreck. I was getting calls and messages on fb and I would not answer. I was so so so darn depressed. And suicide was pretty much the focal thought I thought about the whole day. Sure when I took my normal moderate dose of kratom it went away. I think anybody having a high will jump them out of depression.
Kratom can be a tool to build or a weapon to destroy. In my case I'm going to have to make my mind up that substance abuse whether it's legal or not, I just can't do. Please those of your who know the Lord and even those who don't. Pray for me. Give me hope. Give me reason. Now these are just a few factors that are the problem. Nightmares are my worst enemy. And I can't help having those because I suffer from PTSD and clinical depression among other DX disorders. Please offer me advice. Comfort me that I'm not alone.