Buried past...told to put down the shovel

[Deleted member 37474]

He was your bf of 3 years, and never raped you, despite not sleeping with you (lost your virginity with...

Just to clarify. I lost my virginity via coercion to a boyfriend of two months freshmen year of college. Then I greatly enjoyed sex for about a month and we broke up. The guy that sweetly listened to me on Valentines Day and cheered me up about the break up was the asshole/predator that raped me two months later.

 

[Tinyflame]

@TexCat thank you for the clarification.

Taking an educated guess, especially if this guy is established and respected, or hopes to appear to be so, I would expect him to deny all of it, and secondarily wound you. Because also, I think it far more likely this is the past to him, and he would not want to upset or blow apart his life. Especially if there are others out there (good possibility).

If he wanted to make ammends or take responsibility, wouldn't it be more likely he'd be seeking you out? :(

(PS, the guy the cop referred to had already been previously convicted of murder, rape twice, and arson. :( )

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Every time someone mentions that it is wrong for me to look my abuser up on Facebook, linked in, and bas...

I just wanted to share w/ @TexCat that a gastroenterologist "well-respected" doctor full-on (without a nurse present - whom I begged for by the way) did sexually assault me in his private exam office. And I at times when my brain then mind is tripped by something outside of me then triggered into remembering him (for only seconds) and what he so horrifically did to my body and mind on that tragic day makes me think for split seconds that I want to claw his eyes out, cut out his heart and eat it in front of him (sorry for the graphic and ghoulish rage description here). And I long ago (just me here) had to abandon ever seeking justice or even punishment for him on any legal level for sexually assaulting me on that vile day. I did however on that disgusting day call the police and notified the board of medical licensure, etc. And this man denied, denied, denied all! @#$%^^&%$#@@! (family is in denial, doc same, bio-father, etc. denial, denial, denial! Crazy-making there all by itself).

I looked (past tense) for and saw his (doc) picture on the web and no it wasn't facebook (although I had looked for him there as well and long after he'd sexually assaulted me) and he was in a photo sitting at the table with his wife and son during their Thanksgiving dinner. He has a smirk on his face and he was the devil incarnate for me. I had to go to EMDR not just because of torturous and violent sexual abuse by step-father, and also bio-father, former neighbor, and for extreme physical, psychological abuse by so many "caregivers" and also because of this "decades established, well-thought of doc) that it still hurts when remembrances are brought to mind and this makes me want to vomit in my mouth.

So I do certainly understand @TexCat wanting to learn more about the predators in that 25 years of buried secrets that tormented and horrifically harmed her body and mind in that dorm room many years ago, etc. Again, @TexCat had not dug around and investigated anything prior to finally uncovering the long ago 25 year old buried secrets. No. And I get a sense now especially from her post before mine here that she is not wallowing in this, and that she does take breaks (or she'd be mindf*ucked by now (pardon the expression).

She started off this thread with: "I have lived for 25 years with a buried secret." And her sentence here speaks volumes to me as she stated that she has lived with this as a buried secret and only now is she starting to come to grips and terms with this horrible 25 year buried secret and again we all deal with our trauma events varied and differently and yes we do need to be warned of not taking breaks, and not living in the past. However that said I (just me here) also needed to come to terms with what has happened by perps in order to try and try again to move forward in my life.

There are so many great posts here in this thread oh so many and I only wanted to say that everyone processes their being victimized differently and there is no one "right" way. And may I add I don't give one flying flip about the perps and why they did what they did to our precious bodies and minds! I couldn't give a s*** about who in "society and the world" and what "society and the world" thinks about these f******* perps or what or how they know about them! Aside from learning myself about my perps by "digging" so I could try and heal, I also wanted to protect others from ever being victimized by these slimy, vile unhuman walking dead perpetrators! I know what they did to me regardless of whether my "family" and society and the world knows and/or wants to acknowledge these horrific crimes or not! That I was unable to warn others was back then my secondary motivation for seeking justice, but my primary focus on rooting through and learning more was to try and come to grips and the reality of what makes perps tick, and how to further and future protect myself from other perps! (especially doc-type). Isn't it mind-blowing that in most every other profession there has been reported rapes, molestations, etc. but in the medical community (aside from dentists and therapists being caught on cell phone sexually assaulting their patients) primary and specialist docs slide so under the radar.

I only hope I have not offended anyone here for I just wanted to share that back when I initially (at the very height of therapy) began to uncover (remember and flashing back and being triggered back) what/how all perps horrifically sexually, etc. harmed my precious mind and body, I dug and I researched and did this not to wallow in anything. I did this so I could try and heal. Just sayin'. Peace.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I just wanted to share w/ @TexCat that a gastroenterologist "well-respected" doct...

Thank You! I really needed to read this today. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I get you @TexCat for you are only NOW after 25 years of buried sexual assault secrets now you are finally trying to come to terms with it all. Yes I know and do so understand what you are dealing with now and what you are freaking going through. Love and Hugs for you TexCat. Jade.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I get you @TexCat for you are only NOW after 25 years of buried sexual assault se...

I think that as I watch my daughters grow in to young women, I have to acknowledge what really happened. I see them and feel like they would deserve justice. I dealt with it the best I could back then, but did a lot of damage to myself because of it. I saved parts in my mind that didn't make it so bad. I still knew it was rape, but didn't have any feelings about it. Now I can't seem to ignore the feelings even if I tried.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

That is the very specific reason that me and my bio-sister and also my half-sister never ever had children for back in my mind there was extreme rampant fear of how this would affect my babies growing into adults and we never had children due to our horrific nightmare sexually assaulted pasts @TexCat. That you are aware of the danger due to what so violently and cruelly happened to your mind and body 25 years ago and hopefully if not already at some point able to through preventative education with your precious daughters teach them what you know is part of the solution. There was no justice for perps in my life. No justice (unless in afterlife which I so hope for).

Yes, you dealt with this the best you could and as another member here has said our brain protects us at times from the assault during same and rape is rape and no is now clearcut and simplified. I so understand not having feelings about what so brutally occurred @TexCat and also I do so get it that now it is nearly impossible to detach yourself and ignore your feelings since you are only now beginning to fully and completely come to straight on terms with what the vile abusers did to your precious body and mind.

I could not stop my mind from trying to heal by taking me back there, and also I could not shut-off the triggers and flashbacks even though decades ago I intellectually knew what had happened to me I still could not process the vileness and the savagery. I simply could not stop my brain (mind) from trying to uncover the cruel and vicious nature of what all the perps did to me back then even back then when I was having nightmares, and being flashed and triggered auto pilot by my brain.

I could not fully and completely shut out what I had not allowed in full on recent therapy to be dealt with so my brain continued to be triggered and flashed until I was ready and able to only try and deal with this horrific mess in therapy @TexCat. I care and so do all of the others who have posted here and you are beloved in this forum. Keep sharing your progress in now finally trying to deal with what you were unable to fully process back then. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to try and learn to heal by trying to become rigorously honest with yourself now and only trying to heal and move forward. I had to deal with my past while trying oh God to live in my present and that is what I believe you are trying to do now for your sake and for the sake and future of your precious daughters @TexCat.

clarification: Rape is rape, and NO means no!

Needed to say this since last post here and hope okay for I was unable to say no as a child and my mind dissociated from my body; same occurred with doc, etc. again clarification for I never ever want to hurt anyone in forum ever. Peace.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@JadesJewel Confession...your doc story so closely resembles my own.

Except that I'm already highly triggered today, I wouldn't have been able to read your post. Doctors, laymen, professionals, parents...if they're perps...than "no" will almost be their signal for "yes". At least it seems that way to me.

In that sense, how do you move forward if the magic word doesn't mean anything to the perpetrator? Self-defence classes seem to me to be the only way to give myself a chance.

I have daughters as well. Neither old enough to go through my personal trauma...not that they couldn't have traumas of their own, but I want them in self-defense classes too so that if ever needed, "no" can be reinforced.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Yes @stp2012 and @TexCat the doc would not stop even though I not only asked two or more times for doc to please allow one of his two nurses in hallway (at nurse's station) to come into the exam room with me, he (doc) still then shut the door as these two nurses looked on at him (doc) and he full-on ignored my request. Also before dissociating in doc office I tried so hard to move his hands off my breast (body) and to stop him from further continuing to sexually assault me, and male doc persisted as I continued dissociating and then be present and full-on aware, then dissociate then be present until...and I then fully dissociated and then became present and saw doc at door holding it open for me to leave.

I even stayed dissociated while he took blood work which I have blood work report here (that I indeed investigated years later for back then I did not know what I did not know and had not acquired after exam the copy of this blood work after I started into intensive therapy) which clearly showed for me that I was fully dissociated for a long period of time in exam room. And, I dissociated so quickly and like (brain) knee-jerk and knowing that sister remembered step-father repetitive sexual assaults of us both and I dissociated all of this and other sexual assault information re step-father, others, so my brain (mind) already had disconnected (dissociated) multiple times during violent sexual and physical and verbal torture as child then as adult. Sorry for sharing so much in @TexCat thread. Sorry @TexCat.

And yes I apologize to @TexCat if it sounded in any way (for I did not mean this) to ever imply that she nor I had any ability to stop our perps. No. And yes self-defense classes absolutely good for your daughters as well as for me and others who have or are now struggling with aftermath of being sexually assaulte @stp2012. And yes this does not mean we will not ever be hurt again, this is just trying to be preventative.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes this & other & shame I haven't gone to a Dr since 15, except for 3 injuries at work (obligatory) and birth control pills I didn't fill, didn't need a gyn. exam, and antibiotics a few times at clinics. Now I know I can go to a chiropractor, re: injuries. Yep 4 girls no marriages, no kids, except 2 adopted out (that I know of).

Pain and fear & stuff runs deep.

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[whiteraven]

I want control over when and how the information comes to me. I know it already happened and can't be ch...

I hope you are able to figure out a way to do this work so that you are honoring *you*. Only you can decide what it right for you. Sometimes that takes a bit of exploring to find out what works best.

It took me awhile to discover that digging into my past was more traumatizing than it was worth.

I went through this for sooo long. I am multiple (I have DID). Multiple traumas. The last one I attempted to fully process was a multiple murder I witnessed when I was almost 4, by a relative. It was devastatingly hard, compounded by the fact that I didn't (and still, at times) accept that it ever happened.

The therapist we work with strongly believes (differently than many, he acknowledges) that it's not always helpful or necessary to work completely through in detail a memory/abuse event. This was very different from my previous therapist, but I saw that one for 5 years, and I almost always felt in crisis or was having flashbacks when I saw him. He explained to me that this was actually a good thing, because it meant I was processing the past and was necessary. What I discovered, though, was that when I moved on to my new therapist and we stopped this (mostly, initially, out of necessity, to give myself a break and establish some sense of control and safety), I stopped having flashbacks entirely and I actually did begin to feel safer and definitely more in control.

That was 5 years ago. We still don't process memories on a regular basis and I feel generally safe and in control. Way more than I did. I have problems with depression, and I have bouts with PTSD "trauma reactions," but they are always traceable to specific triggers, which we are then able to process and work on.

We work specifically with mindfulness-based practices. My therapist also works with combat veterans with PTSD, and trains therapists in mindfulness, so he has some expertise in this. In all the years I've had depression and anxiety and problems with dissociation, this is the first time I've ever had relief. Mindfulness teaches you to focus on the present, to be *with* or notice the feelings and thoughts and experiences, but not to attach any additional meaning to them, which is where we get into trouble. One of the things you learn is that *everything* is temporary - mindfulness really helps you gain control where you thought you had none.

Again, I hope you find something that works for you and brings you peace.

Take care,
whiteraven

 

[talon]

I have lived for 25 years with a buried secret. I am the one that put it there. I am the one that had...

It is not healthy to face this alone because when it becomes painful you need to be able to survive it. Have you reported your abuser if not why not. I will check on you again. you are not alone