Burning Mattress Help Needed...

[ms spock]

" The people who love me destroy me."
Another one the kids came out with? We are here to be hurt, because hurting us makes people feel good.
A third one? We cause people to hurt us by our presence.
A fourth one? We contaminate people.
A fifth one? We are dirty, evil and deserve punishment.

I understand these ones, I really do. These are hard ones to deal with. That is a lot of pain that you went through. A lot of pain.

I don't know what you have done @Stickler but I would suggest David Burns book "Feeling Good" and Kristen Neff's website and book on Self Compassion. They are what works for me, I don't know if they are relevant to you, but worth consideration.

The noting of the irrational thinking and having the ability to notice and manage it seems to be a big factor. The Mindful Way Through Depression has some great stuff on depressive thinking.

We want people to love us? Really badly, because we never got what we needed.

And that is really hard @Stickler. Really hard to not have got what you really needed. I really relate to that one.

This is where you need so much extra love, care, self compassion, and kindness - profound kindness - because you risked and you put yourself out, and it looked maybe like it would work out - and then it didn't - so all your selves are vibrating from the pain of that. That is a tremendous amount of pain and sadness - that terribly neediness of children that didn't get what they needed when little. I feel for you. So Self Compassion (I am on my L's) can really help in this situation, if it resonates with you.

But we're inevitably going to let in the wrong people! :bawling: f*ck!

No - it feels like that now, but feelings aren't facts. There are other options along the way. And you know this for a fact - because when he was good you let him in and when he turned into the wrong person - well you got rid of him. So you did really well on this one - even though it won't feel like that for the longest time whilst you grieve.

 

[shimmerz]

I think it is really hard to take ownership of one's own issues when there is chaos going on. Perhaps that is why chaos follows some of us. It is a hell of a distraction.

I think you are doing yourself and thus your healing journey a big favour by getting calm again so you can work on YOU.

 

[ms spock]

We've always hated ourselves, and still do...and we now seem to ourselves to be totally incapable of having close relationships with other people. Too damaged.

Everyone feels like they will never have another relationship when the relationship that they do have crumbles apart or ends, those of us that are fragmented vibrate with the pain of all those unmet needs that almost got a look in and then got all that taken away (again.)

Meaning we are stuck with ourselves for the rest of our lives.

And I like yourselves - and those who are fragmented and aren't fragmented have to live with ourselves as well. You are certainly not alone with that, at all. You also have selves that have friends with uncles with burning mattresses - so I am sure there will be a few giggles along the way. It doesn't feel like that now, of course. But your selves are okay - all of us feel we are secretly too terrible for anyone to love at all - if they only knew then they wouldn't like us - but that is the profound trauma talking, and our head lying to us.

He blames us. My ex-wife blamed us. I blame us. I think it really is me. I seem a lot nicer on the Internet than I really am.

It is hard when you have been the scapegoat - and it goes on forever and forever.

We all seem a lot nicer on Internet that we really are - that goes for all of us - not just you.

I'm a weak, whiny, stupid f*ckup, a waste of everyone's time, a short-tempered asshole he's better off without.

No that is not true - because if it was true he would have just walked off - he didn't he sabotaged it because it means so much to him. And he will have a lot to deal with in regrets if he ever works on his stuff.

 

[ms spock]

He was the reason I did not kill myself many times. But he hates me.

This is the one that worries me the most - please find another reason to live - quickly - we cannot afford to lose any of us - there was a suicide this week and it made me realise how we are all so important and all so needed. This one needs to go to therapy ASAP.

 

[Heather]

I can only talk about my own experience. A few years ago I met a guy and started to like him. I then found out he was on methadone. I talked to my therapist about this and he used the analogy of, "taking the elevator up".

This guy had a drug problem and was this someone that I really wanted around my daughter? The answer was: no. If I pursued a relationship with him the elevator would be going down.

I needed someone in my life that was sober.

So, take the elevator up. 'Cause if you take it down, you're going in the wrong direction.

I ripped up his number and threw it in the trash.

 

[The Albatross]

Wise therapist and solid experience Heather... some version of that needs to go into the inspirational words/quotes thread.

 

[Stickler]

Must confess I allowed him to goad me into exploding...only to then realize that's what he was trying for.
...To not kill himself he has to demonize me, pretty much.
Make me the bad one.
Put the blame on me, cognitively warp things, make up shit I never even said.

...I clearly see what a lost, wounded, frightened little child he is inside, and I can't help him.
I can't reach him.
Certainly cannot marry him, no.
Cannot even talk to him because he HAS to believe I hate him, so anything I say will get twisted.

...I have to walk away to protect my sanity from him. He's dangerous to me. And it is the saddest thing.
Tears are streaming down my face.
He will always mean so much to me...and he has to go.
I love him and he could destroy me if I let him.



...But now? I get to make my own life, just for me.
...that's a good thought.

 

[corvidae]

build your own life; one just for you...yes: that's good, very good work.

 

[ms spock]

I don't think I am capable of having the kind of close relationship I want.
I am fairly sure that's not going to change in the next few years.
I have serious doubts about it ever changing.
I am too damaged to do it.

I think the distorted cognition starts with you don't think you are capable of a close relationship - you don't know how you would be with someone who doesn't have such complex issues as myself or yourself.

We only live in today and we can't predict tomorrow - so there is no way any of us can know what is going to happen in the next few years. This is giving yourself a really hard time territory. Punishing your self and doubting yourself for something that you may or may not in the next couple of years - none of us can predict what will happen in the next five minutes.

I disagree that you are too damaged to do it. You have great insight, you work on it - and like anything worth doing it takes hard work - it does take time, but you don't know the trajectory of your own healing process.

Be very kind to you that is so little, small and sad. Be very kind to the part that is grieving. Don't go beating yourself up about what you may or may not be able to do in the future. Be with that sad and scared part and comfort her/him in this now.

 

[monkeytrial]

Ok...first the burning mattress story:

A friend's friend's uncle was moving. He was driving through At...

Tell him to hold the burning mattress firmly with both hands and go for a ride...if he can't find the mattress in question he can tie his penis to any trailer hitch that looks like it might be going somewhere so he can enjoy the countryside. then he won't feel suicidal if he's out in the fresh air! and he will have two hands free to take photos.

 

[Bloomy]

@Stickler have nothing else to say then I can relate to your thoughts all though they are wrong.

To me you asre precious. No matter if you say this is just the way you come across online it counts :hug:

 

[Stickler]

I am talking to him. He's calmed down finally. No, we're NOT ever going to get back together.
He was never, ever, marriage material in the first place?
And it was thinking with my heart/naughty bits that got me to try.

Don't think with your heart and your naughty bits, kids.

He was an asshole. It's not an excuse, but he was just afraid of change. He proposed, but he wasn't willing to back that up with real effort to be a partner.
Which was very unthinking and hurtful of him.

I should have dumped him in July, not tried to save it. I ended up hurting him by pressuring him the way I did...and hurting myself too. Dumbass mistake on my part.

I'm pretty detached now. He can work on fixing his shit and self-advocating, or he can whine to me about how unfair things are, and I will point out which one will get him somewhere.

Tell him to hold the burning mattress firmly with both hands and go for a ride...if he can't find the mattress in question he can tie his penis to any trailer hitch that looks like it might be going somewhere so he can enjoy the countryside. then he won't feel suicidal if he's out in the fresh air! and he will have two hands free to take photos.

:roflmao: