Burning Mattress Help Needed...

[Stickler]

Ok...first the burning mattress story:

A friend's friend's uncle was moving. He was driving through Atlanta in his truck, all his stuff in the back. The mattress came loose in a strong gust, flipped over the front of the pickup, and the guy ran over it.
Well, the mattress would have been ruined anyway and the traffic was heavy, so he just kept going. What he DID NOT KNOW is that the mattress had hooked on the undercarriage of the truck. The padding and stuff came off of the surface held to the road...then the wire heated to red hot due to friction...
...And the guy is, in all ignorance, dragging a mattress under his truck that is now ON FIRE. Naturally everyone around him started honking and pointing. So he got all angry, because he had no idea why people were honking and pointing at him. He was in the cab of the pickup, screaming and cussing out the drivers of Atlanta, who are trying to make him aware of the fact that he was dragging a burning mattress around with him...

Among my friend's friends..." You really should stop dragging that burning mattress around!" became an in-joke for " stuff you'd be WAY better off letting go of.
********
...So, my now ex-fiancée? He dumped me but says I dumped him...and I decided I would not take him back so in effect I dumped him.
My stupid self is still trying to convince him WHY I need to do this and it's not because I hate him and it really isn't but...

I'm dragging a burning mattress.

If he did not think it was ok to tell me he was going to commit suicide while verbally abusing me when I tried to talk him out of it? And mind you, he's made a LOT of attempts (some more likely to kill him than others)... If he did not think that was ok, he would not have done it repeatedly

So he thinks my behavior (which was less than sterling...in fact i really let him down in some ways?) justifies what he did...and no, no it does not. He DOES think I deserved it.
( roll d 6 for psychological damage...)
He gets hurt because he takes me being triggered by him and having trust issues as rejection.
Which is effed up? Because he has severe PTSD. He KNOWS triggers and trust issues aren't logical.
Somehow he's become as egocentric as a small child over the past year or so.
Loving someone does not mean they get to hurt me deliberately.

People around here and elsewhere online and offline too...have been gently and bluntly telling me he's a burning mattress.
I finally got it.
He is a burning mattress. He's not ever going to work on himself either, to stop being one.

I need to stop dragging around that burning mattress.

So I will post here if I fail and talk to him, otherwise check in periodically.
If I have to admit engaging in the stupidity of talking to him to other people should I do so, I may be more encouraged to stop.
Been in love with him for five years. Gawd I am such a fool. I hate myself today.

 

[watundah]

Breakaway to freedom, sister! Gunnin' for ya!

 

[ladee]

Love the analogy !!! And so many relationships turn into burning mattresses... Love is not supposed to hurt. I had to keep telling myself this over and over and over again. You can do this !!!!!

 

[blackemerald1]

@Stickler you are not a fool for loving some one. But some times it takes more than you can emotionally afford to give.
I hope I can get this quote I have read correctly, "Do you know what the definition of insanity is - it's bashing your head repeatedly against a brick wall & wondering why it hurts so much. Then continuing to bash your head against the brick wall!" (I don't know who wrote this but all my best to whoever did)

Stick to your instincts. You know it's over. He knows it's over. The blame games could go on for another five years & lead you to the same position you find yourself in today.

I'd suggest you take a flying leap across to the verge of the road & hitchhike your way to another, possibly much kinder climate & don't look back. That whole truck is going to go up in flames & you don't need to carry that responsibility/load anymore. A breakup is a breakup, painful, full of good & bad memories. But that is your responsibility with what you do with those.
Best of luck in love & life for loving yourself to take the leap into a different future.
B1

 

[ladee]

@blackemerald1, I have heard this about insanity, " To keep repeating the same things over and over, and expecting different results. "

 

[blackemerald1]

Yeah my memory is shot!
But, just about the same in terms of the futility!
Thanks for getting it right. I don't have my huge book of famous quotes with me right now. Perhaps I ought to stop trying. Lol

 

[Stickler]

I keep thinking it is my fault. Yet I can't bring myself to try again. It's inevitable he's going to lash out at me again if I do.

 

[scout86]

I was with you, right up to the last 2 sentences. (And "a burning mattress" has joined my vocabulary. Love it!)

Some relationships just don't work. Doesn't mean either party is "bad" or "wrong" just that the combination doesn't work. You know, like some food combinations don't work? They can be perfectly delicious separately, or combined with something else, but, together, they're gross. I think human relationships are like that. Loving the guy is even ok. It's just "being together" that obviously isn't. And it sounds like it doesn't work for EITHER of you. No bad guys, just an unfortunate combination.

 

[Stickler]

@scout86 I think it's more that he was engaged in self-sabotage and can't see it, he's got borderline PD going on? Crap, not like I don't self-sabotage too...but he was subconsciously trying to drive me off.

After some of my child alters said they did not trust him in late July he smashed up his furniture. The kid alts then thought he wanted to kill us?
But he'd not been reassuring us behaviorally since then.

Again, our fault for getting triggered?

We want him to...hmm...we were not so much trying to get him to take responsibility, we were trying to not let us leaving feed his cruddy self-esteem? Trying to get him to see we need to protect ourselves? I can't remain sane and remain with him.:(.
Meanwhile, he's been nasty to us.

 

[anonymous]

I don't think time (of itself) mends anything. But, blaming yourself after five years of trying to love someone, whom you just cannot deal with anymore?
Might as jump in front of the truck @Stickler.

It is NOT your fault. Five years of your life trying to make something of a steady relationship go right, when suicide is always a daily, monthly, yearly prospect?? How can you except to marry, have kids... Whatever your personal desires might have been, with no solid change in that area alone??

No no no. It's a done deal. Move forward now. I strongly suggest it is not your fault.

Unfortunately melancholy & wanting to go back are part of moving on. I know that sounds nonsensical. It's a desire for the old routines, however dysfunctional they were. Imagine how much power you hand to him on a plate if you do return! Please give yourself time to adjust to your new way of living. You have broken up. You know that you did love him. Time to get on with living your life with no emotional blackmail & other stuff I suspect you have not wrote about.

Possibly carrying the load for so many years, there will be some emotional fall out. But don't blame yourself for the entire break up, remember he broke it off first & a lot of trust along the way. You decided to keep to his decision. More power to you!

 

[scout86]

I think it's more that he was engaged in self-sabotage and can't see it,

That makes total sense. (Been there, done that, actually.)

The thing is he is where he is. Not that he WANTS to be there, I'm pretty sure he doesn't. But his pathology doesn't mix with yours real well.

The last guy I was involved with was looking for someone to take care of him. As it happens, I was kind of raised to feel like I HAD to "take care of" anyone and everyone, no matter what. But I was also starting to see that there are some problems with that. We stayed together for a few years. He was, and is, a nice guy. He just has some issues that combine badly with mine. After he broke up, he got involved with, and married, a woman who's first husband was a wildly out of control alcoholic, who died of complications for that. (Long, ugly, painful death and she took care of him every step of the way.) It appears that this is a win/win situation. HE is a HUGE step up from her first husband. SHE gets to "take care of" someone who's actually got some kind of capacity to appreciate her. He gets taken care of. Although, he's worked on his issues and I'll bet he'll continue to. He just happened to land right in the middle of mine and I couldn't cope with it in a way that was anywhere near healthy for me.

Your situation isn't so different. There are probably things about him that make, or at least made, him "lovable". You just aren't a very good match for each other.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

It's not your fault, you know.

And it's really good you are getting away from him, take time, heal, get better. You need freedom, because that was a form of abuse.

Please stay strong, we are here for you. Returning to him won't do you any good, and you know. He might say he has changed, at some sooner point, but a snake can shed it's skin, but it's still a snake, unfortunately.

Sending warm hugs :hug: