Burning Mattress Help Needed...

[ladee]

@Stickler, I always chose men who would be emotionally unavailable and womanizers.... three times I did this and married all three.... Oh yes, I am slooooow !!! Have not been in a relationship in many years now. For me it was simple relief to make that choice.. I barely have the energy to tend to my own stuff, much less someone else . Not saying this is what you should do , by any means, just saying I could not put myself thru all that again....
Just take care of you now, please. The end is always so painful.. sending you gentle :hug:'s if you accept them.

 

[Stickler]

One of my negative core beliefs I have been aware of?
" The people who love me destroy me." Not "Have the potential to destroy me.".
No. I pick romantic partners who ***will*** turn on me and destroy me, tear me up inside.
Another one the kids came out with? We are here to be hurt, because hurting us makes people feel good.
A third one? We cause people to hurt us by our presence.
A fourth one? We contaminate people.
A fifth one? We are dirty, evil and deserve punishment.

...We pick people who do this. We want people to love us? Really badly, because we never got what we needed.
But we're inevitably going to let in the wrong people! :bawling: f*ck!

 

[ladee]

Me too. Because I never learned how to look for anything different. I don't think I am capable of even knowing what ways to go about looking for something different.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Stickler though I pressed the like button on your feelings about never finding the right one. For now please try to understand that you are grieving for someone not only have you lost through necessity, for want of a better word, but who is also sadly lost to himself.
Please don't assign yourself to the scrap heap, get your plans in order & try to keep looking forward. So study is in the wind, well good on you! Other opportunities will open up as you go forward, you can still have a deeply fulfilling life & a long one at that too.

Try to look at this as a much needed overhaul of a important part of your life plan that needed no further procrastination, but action. It's still ok to be sad about it, but as you adjust, I hope you will be happy that you did not need to sink into your former partners illness & dysfunction, & all the associated unsafe feelings that came with that relationship.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Stickler on further reflection on what your alters are trying to engrain into your core life belief's.

Remind yourself & integrated alters that this has been a learning experience, yes a deeply disappointing experience, but a learning experience too - which is possible to be one of the most positive lessons life can bring even through the saddest of feelings.

What your alters are saying is not completely balanced because change means adjustment & clearly causes some chaotic responses.

No you deserve better men in your life.

Replace all those negative alters words with positive affirmations.
Eg: we are allowed to make mistakes, we can let good, health, happy people into our lives.

No, we won't allow needy, dysfunctional ppl into our lives.

We can & do deserve romance but we are not going to rush ahead; we will accept kindness because we deserve kindness.

We are not evil, not ever, not once.

We can find a life partner who will not be perfect because that person doesn't exist! But we can still find a life partner, if we go slow & steady & we have learned what sort of person who we can love & has the abilities to love us back. Without having a truck load of rubbish to dump on us as we become more familiar.

So @Stickler give some time for the grief & chaotic negative responses to to rise & fall away from you.

Go out of your way to be be kind to yourself & remind yourself & alters that good things & ppl are out there suffering for want of a beautiful, gifted, kind person just as you are!

 

[Stickler]

We've always hated ourselves, and still do...and we now seem to ourselves to be totally incapable of having close relationships with other people. Too damaged.
Meaning we are stuck with ourselves for the rest of our lives.
He blames us. My ex-wife blamed us. I blame us. I think it really is me. I seem a lot nicer on the Internet than I really am.
I'm a weak, whiny, stupid f*ckup, a waste of everyone's time, a short-tempered asshole he's better off without.
He was the reason I did not kill myself many times. But he hates me.
I told my terminally ill friend I really wish it was me with the brain cancer, not her, and I mean it.

 

[ladee]

@Stickler, you are very hurt, the pain is large, and it feels all consuming. I have known you for a very short while, and knowing someone via cyberspace , well, is that really knowing?And I do understand wanting the relief of no more pain. But... here is my but.... I have read you since I first started here only a few months ago. Your words always ring TRUE to me. You are who you are. And have always appreciated how candid you are.I have no magic words, can't hug you in person, and can't fix this for you. But you do matter to me. I need you in my life. Not to lean on, but to learn from. No, that is not enough to keep you here. But you DO matter in this world, you matter to me. My honest feelings here. Please hang in here until things get a little less intense. Those are old messages coming up because of the pain and you know this... Please know that you matter to me. I am no one in particular, just someone who honors your pain, and is grateful for your existence in my world... sending lots of gentle hugs if you accept them.

 

[corvidae]

i'm here and listening.

i know the present moments are filled with pain...yet i see you doing the very best you can and reaching out for support: that's a good thing, an amazing thing, a commendable thing. keep doing that, please.

i'll go out on a limb and speculate that most folks here have felt or do currently feel broken beyond repair and hope. that damaged feeling you don't bear by yourselves, nor the selves-hatred, methinks.

you are valuable because you are.

 

[Stickler]

I must confess to a very brief, polite exchange on Twitter.

I realize now he would have done this to anyone, because his issues are unresolved and he's not even looking at them.

 

[Ellabella44]

One of my negative core beliefs I have been aware of?
" The people who love me destroy me." Not "Have the potential to destroy me.".
No. I pick romantic partners who ***will*** turn on me and destroy me, tear me up inside.

wow ive had that in my head as well at times. Ok, basic needs here : self compassion and safety. two things that those core beliefs point out you havent had because of how your environment was when younger (based on you saying you have child alts) drilled into your head and feels like it wont go away. You can re learn this programming, You have taken a big step realizing you and alts cant live like this anymore.

You as a whole being do not deserve to be punished ect. you arent hazardous waste that contaminates everyone eiether. those are distorted cognitions. I forgget where the post on those is, but I didnt have much progress in that area until i started doing the self compassion challenge @Ms Spock suggested.

Be kind to yourselves.

 

[ms spock]

Ok...first the burning mattress story:
A friend's friend's uncle was moving. He was driving through Atlanta in his truck, all his stuff in the back. The mattress came loose in a strong gust, flipped over the front of the pickup, and the guy ran over it.
Well, the mattress would have been ruined anyway and the traffic was heavy, so he just kept going. What he DID NOT KNOW is that the mattress had hooked on the undercarriage of the truck. The padding and stuff came off of the surface held to the road...then the wire heated to red hot due to friction...
...And the guy is, in all ignorance, dragging a mattress under his truck that is now ON FIRE. Naturally everyone around him started honking and pointing. So he got all angry, because he had no idea why people were honking and pointing at him. He was in the cab of the pickup, screaming and cussing out the drivers of Atlanta, who are trying to make him aware of the fact that he was dragging a burning mattress around with him...

Among my friend's friends..." You really should stop dragging that burning mattress around!" became an in-joke for " stuff you'd be WAY better off letting go of.

I just have to say that this is quite a wonderful story. Thanks so much @Stickler!

 

[ms spock]

I think @Anarchy summarised it nicely - and this thread has made me laugh a few times - the burning mattress is such a brilliant way of putting it - but if your demons don't play nicely together it is all over.

Sounds tough to have something on the way to being good and he sabotaged it - and now you can't be safe and be with him.

Time to let go of that burning mattress!