C-ptsd And Sexual Development

[greycrayon]

One or two more things I'll add is that sometimes I have fantasies that are related to my being abused, but they are in some alternate consensual universe. But when the same acts happen in real life I completely freeze or fill with rage. I've gone from promiscuity and zero boundaries while drunk to totally impossible boundaries and no interest in sex at all now that I'm sober...mainly because I couldn't find the middle ground. Sober, I'd freeze or dissociate and if a guy was really interested in a relationship with me and questioned these blocks, I dumped him. I feel like there is no normal middle of the road. Also no connection between sex and romantic sort of love. Honestly I'm not interested enough in relationships to figure it out.

Ugh. This is so me. Without alcohol sexual touch makes me feel literally that I want to to shed my skin.

I am an attractive girl and when people respond to that part of me I feel like six years old and it creeps me out. It creeps me out that underneath all that they don't realise that they are coming onto a small child. I feel nauseous and completely out of my depth. Evangelical christian background doesn't help.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Now, whenever I feel very ashamed or even talk about that emotion, my body starts to go through the processes of being turned on, but against my will.

ABSOLUTLY i can relate! Most of my diary's first post which was the entirity of my past (though accidently missed a few things accidently trying to get to bed) my body was turned on and when that happens automatically i want to punish myself which to me is cutting down there.

Ive found a lit of ppl on here experience this.

 

[Anarchy]

(((((((Lostforgottensoul))))))