C-ptsd And Siblings

[Viosinger]

I don't know what to do, because I desperately want a functioning and supportive family.

I completely understand this sentiment. I've wanted this for my entire life. I got pretty close while my sister lived in the same area, far from our parents. She has since moved back to our hometown for the sake of her children, and regressed in many ways & doesn't have the emotional capacity to be a support system for me right now.

I've decided to make my own hodge-podge "family" of trusted friends, my boyfriend, colleagues, my dog... I try to find that love and support where it's genuinely offered rather than hoping my biological family will come around.

 

[The Albatross]

I desperately want a functioning and supportive family. Maybe it's there for me but I don't think so; no one wants to build a relationship with me AS I AM.

Missed this but think that this may really be the crux of the issue (above). The idea that my family was going to function or support me in the way I wanted them too was an unrealistic expectation. I was looking to others to provide basically what I needed to come from or be developed in myself. (Though I tried for a good number of years to get my need met with my family... I only had one person out of 9 or 10 who did until she passed away.) My own family history however was 4 established generations of abuse and dysfunction on one side, and three generations of abuse and dysfunction on the other (maternal and fraternal)... so I did not hold any illusions about being able to break the cycle of dysfunction for the family... I had to do it though for myself and I had to reexamine too and determine how, when, if I could relationship with them as they were and choose to honor the relationship or love them anyway. I also had to find in myself a way to satisfy the need myself, that I was wanting from my family.

"As I am"... well that was a sticky wicket, and the neediness was as well. But as I worked through therapy and recovery... those things changed. They were not static but variable and in time gradually improved. When I flipped around the idea of BEING a functioning and supportive family member... the converse of what I was wanting... I began to understand exactly what I was expecting and decided it was unreasonable and unlikely to achieve. So I settle for the "best they can", "the best I can" and I don't try to define to narrowly for others what "best" is.


You say too, "I feel pushed into adopting a role that does not fit me by my family members. When I pull away they pursue me. I feel as though I am given very limited options for acceptance. They would disagree." There is a time in recovery when family members will push/press/fight even to maintain the status quo. I went through that too. That is what boundary setting is for, and realize too that when boundaries are set, they will be tested. Change in a dynamic is very hard especially for a family dynamic where there has been abuse or dysfunction.

My own process went something like "I feel pushed into a role that does not fit me by my family members." Whose responsibility is it? Mine or theirs? I decided there was truth to the saying "We teach people how to treat us." So I decided that if I wanted the relationship role to change, then it was up to me. So I self examined and took a whole bunch of time learning about relationships, safe relationships, communication, and boundary setting. Then I started testing stuff out. Some worked, some didn't... trial and error... it is better but not ideal. Good enough for me. In the process "I" improved, as I improved, my family adjusted and shifted eventually with me.

"When I pull away they always pursue me." What is the intent here? Is it to keep you in your "role" or is it well intentioned? Mine was (even with my present spouse) to keep me in my role. I was the "sick one". But... even underneath that... my father loved me, my mother loves me, my brother loves me, and dynamics aside it was not wrong for them to desire for me to stay in relationship with them. It was though up to me to decide what to do about that. I also had to learn the difference between expectations and become comfortable with myself when I felt I fell short or just flat out didn't want to. I had to learn how to be okay with that.

"I feel as though I am given very limited options for acceptance. They would disagree." (Last one, I promise) What evidence/facts do I have that support this? If the evidence supports this and if my family does not agree, so what? The world will not end, I will not die, and it is not going to be fatal if my family does not agree with me, nor I with them. With respect to my friendships (family aside), I do not agree sometimes with my friends so why would I expect from others what I do not do myself?

Then I picked apart "ferociously" acceptance. What it was, where it came from and guess what? I decided that the strongest most consistent position for me was to cultivate self acceptance and endeavor to fill the need myself. It ain't perfect but it's better. I started trying to be the person I wanted other persons to be for me and guess what else? I learned that in spite of my best efforts I am gonna mess up now and again and I realized how unreasonable it was to expect it from other people. In the end, I decided that even the most well intentioned/well meaning people (and myself) will most likely provide me with fodder to stoke my feelings... but my perceptions are ultimately up to me. There's a default/knee jerk (reactive one) one, but there are also any number of other ones. The one I choose is up to.... ME.

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy stuff I studied independently (Albert Ellis) even before PTSD diagnosis (I was in recovery for alcohol substance abuse). Unconditional Self Acceptance, Unconditional "Other" Acceptance, and Unconditional Life Acceptance (sometimes called World)... it helped me a lot. Hope there is something here that helps you.

Links for the so inclined:
http://albertellis.org/usa/
http://albertellis.org/unconditional-other-acceptance/
http://albertellis.org/unconditional-life-acceptance-shannon-oneill-m/

An article I like:
Link Removed

 

[The Albatross]

Long again, but as much as I wanted to quote the full quote, cuz that's a no no so it doesn't read as well as I'd like it to but didn't want to risk editing by a moderator sorry.

 

[Nam]

I have a sister that doesn't remember anything. She choose for me to stay quiet and I have obliged to her request. My situation is completely different. I'm saying that because I'm not sure what I'm going to say next will be helpful. If not, just discard it.

I feel that your family is making you harbor all the hurt; even your siblings hurt. With you there, you can carry it all. Because you are carrying it, they don't have to face it. But if you were to withdraw from them and work on yourself, they might panic a little. Now who's the sickest one? Now who had it worse? It's a little like how cruel people put down other people to feel better about themselves. I must be okay because I'm certainly not as bad as so and so. So, it seems to me you are the raft carrying your siblings in the raging sea.

I understand that you do care about them. Otherwise, you wouldn't have stayed this long. But if you work on yourself without the input of your siblings, you will be able to care for them better when you are able. This might also open a door for your siblings to really look at themselves. How many of their behaviors were learned by their parents and passed around without a second thought?

You just might be the key to changing the whole dynamic. It certainly would be worthwhile to build yourself up and heal as many traumas as you can. People heal at different rates and different paths. Who knows? Maybe all of you will eventually come together better than before?

 

[ekane]

But I can't hide from my family what happened to me, and if no one wants to accept me AS I AM, not as they want me to be, aren't they actually damaging me?

Yes. They are damaging. It is abuse. Shame on them! Unfortunately relatives do this in most toxic families. They are trying to silence your very soul, your whole existence, so they can selfishly keep living in comfortable denial. Get rid of all of them. Everyday you keep these non-loving people in your life is another day you avoid stepping closer to healing. They keep you in the dark closet because that's where they want to stay.

 

[Chava]

All of my siblings are depressed, some somatic issues. I ended up self-injurious and suicidal. The difference probably being I had a few major medical traumas (and assault, but that was when I was a teenager and after I was already hitting and cutting myself). I also most likely triggered my mom's unresolved trauma, so we had an especially bad connection and she took out more of her rage on me than the younger sisters. One of them has also been in rehab but I've been perpetually self-destructive and had lots of issues with regulation.

 

[jaccat]

In some respects my situation is much the same. I am the youngest of four. There's a fair age gap between me and them. Things got worse after they left, although things were bad enough.

We're all damaged, but (apart from my alcoholic brother who's quite open about the fact), none of them are willing to recognise the impact our past has had on us. When they talk about it it's all in a 'we see the funny side now' way. They don't recognise what happened to me. They are close to each other, because of the age gap not so much to me.

I love them I want a more open relationship with them, and I am working on creating this. But I can't talk to them about what happened.

I'll say what my therapist said to me after the last time. You're an adult now. You get to choose what kind of relationship you want with them. You have the right to say no, walk away, do whatever you need to do to make the relationship work for you.

 

[shimmerz]

I also had to learn the difference between expectations and become comfortable with myself when I felt I fell short or just flat out didn't want to. I had to learn how to be okay with that.

This is a great statement and a way of dissecting the reality of the situation. Who has the expectations? You? Them? What are the expectations? To lie about the state of the family? To protect the family image and you are messing that image up? Are you continually revisiting things to get validation that you most likely will never get? Why do you need that validation?

If you have dealt with your faulty expectations (nobody will validate me, people must believe me) within the family and you still consistently fail to live up to the expectations of others in the family, you may want to look up 'scapegoating' and the potential that you are playing a role in the family which is not healthy for you.

 

[garden]

When I flipped around the idea of BEING a functioning and supportive family member... the converse of what I was wanting... I began to understand exactly what I was expecting and decided it was unreasonable and unlikely to achieve. So I settle for the "best they can", "the best I can" and I don't try to define to narrowly for others what "best" is.

@The Albatross This is a very valuable insight, thank you for sharing this. I mean, there are a few great insights in your post, but this one sticks out for me, and it actually helps my own evolving perspective. Thank you.

 

[ms spock]

I really understand the issues being threshed out in this thread. I thank you all for your perspectives.

I am uncertain where I am with it all.

Though I have reconnected with one sister after an 8 year estrangement, I do not see my other 2 sisters and 2 brothers. My understanding is that they don't remember all the violence and abuse, but on some level they do as one is on the run from her abusive husband, one suffers severe depression and alcohol problems, and the other I am not sure what is her story though I hear that she suffers anxiety and depression. Apparently me not being part of the family is experienced with regret with my siblings.

I ran away to stop my father from killing the family. Obviously that was successful.

I am not able to do what @The Albatross does, yet. But I am working towards working through things. I am stuck on really basic things like being present in this now and not being dissociated, derealised or depersonalised.

I am willing to work on meeting my own needs now. I look in to the mirror for 30 seconds to one minute per day to acknowledge the abuse done to me as a child was not okay and the abuse done to me by psychologists was not okay. So I am meeting that need for acknowledgement and understanding in myself.

None of the children see my father, but they do see my mother. I am not interested in seeing my mother - tried so many times and she just plays pretty horrendous mind games between us all.

So I am taking it slow.

It was too much seeing my sister last year. I didn't do my essays or manage stuff that well. But I am also caring for someone who is staging with dementia and an unsafe man living in this house.

So I am taking it slow.

The denial of what happened in my family really hurt for a very long time. I was very angry and vengeful towards my extended family and realised that they had no skills or understanding of what was required, and my father was scary and dangerous, so they couldn't do it.

The whole sibling thing is a can of worms that I can't open up at this time.

 

[Powder]

Both of my siblings are damaged, one more so. They both have dissociation and are in denial. What's mystifying is how angry I am about their denial when that was me four years ago. :wtf:

All of my major traumas also involve my sister, directly, and she has two diagnoses, PTSD and Bipolor, but I think she has Structural Dissociation to the point of DID (seems possessed, has had exorcism done on herself!)

It is so hard to be re-traumatized by fighting to keep a younger sibling alive, only to have her attempt suicide in the very same manner as she was nearly killed. She had to have surgery to repair damage from her near murder.

I wonder that CPS nor anyone seemed to notice anything! It makes me angry and not want anything to do with extended family who "turned a blind eye" or just was not aware of stuff.

Seeing my family is the ultimate trigger; both parents traumatized us kids when the other wasn't around; they are both unsafe. Even if they were willing to admit to everything, which they will not, I am not able to be interested in relating any longer. That's just the truth. The feeling is that I am about to vomit, just trying to see one of them, any of them.

There is just too much early trauma to make them all totally unsafe to my inner child. I don't dream of any unity. As far back as age 5 I was planning to run away and not look back. So I agree with @Ms Spock it's best if we're not around each other.

 

[The Albatross]

Relate @Muse with the anger you have about the continuing denial. My sibling and mother are like this and it is one of the most confounding and perplexing things to me. I was angry too. Angry as hell. Now I'm alternating with wondering if I was even in the same family or if I am still the scape goat.