Sufferer C-PTSD & Silver Lightning

[KellyBailey]

Hi,

Whoever you are and wherever you'd be... thank you for taking some of your time to read a stranger's message (me).

It's incredibly hard to find and put down words and try to explain what's inside my head. But what I find most challenging is finding someone that truly understand the pain, struggle and despair one feels with having a condition at all, C-PTSD in my case. So once again, thank you for granting me a bit of your time and making me feel seen, heard and loved in some way or another.

My biggest super power is writing and music. Not the greatest at the latter but I try my best. Arts is my language. I can let the muses go on and take over and create beautiful writings about my [painful] personal experience in a way that feels both therapeutic and magical.

Dating back to the 90's, I was SA repeatedly from various family members. Neglect and denial from divorced parents also made a big impact on my mental ailment.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi,

Whoever you are and wherever you'd be... thank you for taking some of your time to read a stranger's message (me).

It's incredibly hard to find and put down words and try to explain what's inside my head. But what I find most challenging is finding someone that truly understand the pain, struggle and despair one feels with having a condition at all, C-PTSD in my case. So once again, thank you for granting me a bit of your time and making me feel seen, heard and loved in some way or another.

My biggest super power is writing and music. Not the greatest at the latter but I try my best. Arts is my language. I can let the muses go on and take over and create beautiful writings about my [painful] personal experience in a way that feels both therapeutic and magical.

Dating back to the 90's, I was SA repeatedly from various family members. Neglect and denial from divorced parents also made a big impact on my mental ailment.

Hello Kelly,

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with us. It's incredibly brave to open up about such deeply personal experiences, and I'm honored to be here to listen and provide support. Connecting with others who can truly understand the complex emotions and challenges of living with C-PTSD can indeed feel challenging. Yet, within this community, you are absolutely not alone.

Your resilience shines through your words, and it's wonderful to hear that you've found solace in writing and music. Art is such a powerful medium for healing—it's a way to articulate what words sometimes can't fully capture, and it's therapeutic to create something beautiful from your experiences.

I'm truly sorry to hear about the traumatic experiences you've endured. Remember that what happened was not your fault, and you deserve to find peace and healing. Finding this community of peers who understand can be an important step in that process, and there's a space here for everyone, including those focusing on arts and other shared interests.

If you ever feel that one-on-one support might benefit you, please don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. They're equipped to help you navigate these complex feelings and support you in your healing journey.

Within myptsd.com, you'll find specific forums dedicated to various aspects of PTSD and C-PTSD. Whether you want to talk about experiences, coping mechanisms, or artistic outlets, there's a supportive network ready to share and listen.

Thank you again for sharing your voice here, and I hope you find the connection and understanding you deserve.

Warm regards,

Riley

 

[parrotthepolly]

Welcome to the forum! Great to hear you find healing in art, I'm sure your music is fine since everyone has different tastes. There's many people with CPTSD here.

 

[KellyBailey]

(CONTINUE POST)...

I've spent the majority of my teenage years and adult life trying to understand why my mood swings were so severe, why my anger towards absolutely anything was so strong and why I would crash every other day for what it seemed no reason at all.

After putting all the pieces together in therapy, putting all the cards on the table and addressing all aspects of my life, I learnt that it was crystal clear I was only showing symptoms of severe abuse and neglect. I was very pleased by hearing that this wasn't a product of my imagination. It felt like a cool breeze in a hot summer night.
I have been mentally ill for so long and left unnoticed, I would tell myself so many times. Everything's going to be alright.

There has been glorious moments when I want to conquer the world. Feel so powerful and determined. But most days the feeling of dread is stronger and darker than my own will to carry on. It takes an immense amount of energy to come out and stay afloat. Yes! I do the work every single day: meditate, eat well, pause and breathe, be kind to myself, talk to my inner child, sleep well... although it's tricky to find rest when your mind is running at 3000m/hr. Also sometimes, or most of the time, I beg to differ, there's that feeling of victimisation saying "why me?". I guess it's a personal mark and something we/I gotta learn to live and deal with.

All my love

 

[KellyBailey]

Welcome to the forum! Great to hear you find healing in art, I'm sure your music is fine since everyone has different tastes. There's many people with CPTSD here.

Thank you for your kindness )

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the community - hopefully this place helps things get just a little easier:)

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I’m sorry you have to seek this place out, but it’s nice to see someone who uses the arts similarly to I do.

Sexual abuse hurts, a lot. Even more so when the people who are supposed to support us aren’t there for us, or are the source of it.

Well done for carrying on. It’s tough stuff, but you deserve the care you fight through to give yourself. I know it’s exhausting.

I hope the load can start being lightened a little through here.

 

[KellyBailey]

I’m sorry you have to seek this place out, but it’s nice to see someone who uses the arts similarly to I do.

Sexual abuse hurts, a lot. Even more so when the people who are supposed to support us aren’t there for us, or are the source of it.

Well done for carrying on. It’s tough stuff, but you deserve the care you fight through to give yourself. I know it’s exhausting.

I hope the load can start being lightened a little through here.

Dark.Green.Feathers...

Thank you for showing your kindness. At times, when my shield is down I can't protect myself no more from the world, only one question ponders my mind repeatedly, why is everyone so unkind? and, personally, I find it so excruciatingly difficult because being a male, I am supposed to "man up", sweep it under the rug and carry on. But as we all know here, this mental wound is nearly impossible to push over the cliff and pretend nothing happened.
I guess, people are just too busy to put their heads up and realise that there's someone needing a kind heart, at least for a little while.

So thank you. I do appreciate people that do take some time and listen, not a lot of people do that nowadays. No one fully understands that it ain't easy, especially after you've opened up the pandora box and memories start flooding your head.

Thank you again.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

and, personally, I find it so excruciatingly difficult because being a male, I am supposed to "man up", sweep it under the rug and carry on. But as we all know here, this mental wound is nearly impossible to push over the cliff and pretend nothing happened.

I understand, I get the same way. And start attacking in on myself for what wasn’t my fault because of it.

Actually, the reason I joined the forum in the first place was because I was looking for other male survivors to relate to and feel less isolated.

I’m sorry you’ve been met with so much unkindness. And you’re right, we can’t sweep it under the rug, not permanently. You may relate to the phenomena of the pandora’s box spewing more aggressively the more you try to ignore it, or shove it back in.

(The trauma diary function here has helped some things feel less violent on my mind, over time. Takes the edge off. I recommend looking at how they work.)

 

[KellyBailey]

I understand, I get the same way. And start attacking in on myself for what wasn’t my fault because of it.

Actually, the reason I joined the forum in the first place was because I was looking for other male survivors to relate to and feel less isolated.

I’m sorry you’ve been met with so much unkindness. And you’re right, we can’t sweep it under the rug, not permanently. You may relate to the phenomena of the pandora’s box spewing more aggressively the more you try to ignore it, or shove it back in.

(The trauma diary function here has helped some things feel less violent on my mind, over time. Takes the edge off. I recommend looking at how they work.)

Yes!! That pandora's box phenomena, as you call it, hits real bad if left unattended. I've got the experience of 30 odd years. I hated it. It leaves you numb. For me, it's something I can't control and still learning, and as you say, if you ignore it, it'll come back to you full force and double the strength.

My therapist says these effects of dealing with painful memories, sensations and/or flashbacks can be lowered down and with time, make the ride smoother. It doesn't feel like it, really. I know that our brains and minds have got to make sense of it all and adjust and put the information in the right place but, after almost a year of having opened 'the box', the ride keeps going on a steeper hill with no brakes to push. And it sucks! Sometimes feel like there's not enough air to breath - I'm sure you might have a similar opinion to what it feels like.

I did joined the forum for the exact same reason.
I haven't had the chance to speak to a guy who truly shakes off the man standards for a minute and try to understand what it's like to be living with something that pretty much dictates your everyday life... and not for the better.
For me is pushing away those thoughts and images. The constant back and forth dysregulation and regulation of my feelings. Why do I 'feel' so much. "Men aren't supposed to show their emotions". The high state of alert I'm always in. It makes me and has always made me felt like the outsider; and for a decision I didn't have power upon.
I wish a pal would stop for a second and listen and say how it must really suck to try to fit in and 'be a man' while having all this crap inside your head.

(You did in your writing above. And for that I'm grateful. So again, thank you for that. It's very rare to find people these days that stop and listen).

K