Calling Out The Flakes

[zeropoint]

So, I've noticed a pattern in some of the people around me, most specifically my mother and this married couple that I know.

The problem is that these people will pay lip service to the idea of doing helpful things for me but don't follow through. In my mother's case, I feel like it doesn't sink in AT ALL when I tell her anything that would be helpful after she mentions wanting to help. The friends to whom I'm referring will always say "Not now; I have to [insert weak excuse]" and then follow it up by saying say will check in on X day, which they never do.

This behavior is so frustrating. I try to accept people's limitations and be glad for what they are able to offer, but it's so hard. Especially because I imagine they are all feeling like they are "good people" because they broached the subject of doing something helpful. Even though, in the case of my friends, I would prefer they just say "we're not going to help you with anything ever again" rather than whatever runaround this is. (And I'll also point out that I'm not talking about needing help with huge things either; it includes smaller things like giving me a ride a short distance when I am too dissociated to bus or cab to an appointment.)

I don't know if there are any magic words I can say either in the moment or later to call these people out in some polite way. I am not looking for the magic words that will make them help, either, just something to help elicit an honest response of what kind of assistance this person will/won't give.

Is there a way to call attention to it when people have a habit of extending empty offers of help?

 

[Kefira]

I'm familiar with this and don't have a magic answer, but I can at least empathize.

What I have been able to do is to let them choose whether they're going to continue to be involved through their actions: for example I'm the one who contacts most of my 'friends' all the time. When I realized that I could go for weeks without them checking in on me, it was hurtful but I decided to let them make their own choice. I stopped putting energy into the friendships where there wasn't any effort on the part of the other party.

As for those empty promises of help, it's not polite persay but I started calling out the people who are worst about it. Something like "I appreciate that you want to say you'll help me, but the last few times I've come to you for help you weren't able to for whatever reason. It makes me wonder whether you want to help or you just want to feel good about yourself because you made the offer".

As I've mentioned elsewhere lately though, I'm in a place right now where I'm just not interested in pretending or in having false friendships. I figure if you call people out, either they recognize a pattern in their behavior that they didn't see and adjust it, become defensive and hopefully stop offering things they won't deliver on, or get angry enough to leave. And if someone leaves over your expression of your reality, then that says a lot about that particular friendship.

 

[zeropoint]

That's true, and you're right. I do need to be prepared to lose these "friendships" that are not at all mutual or reciprocal. And I think some people would want a chance to do better.

And I have the same problem re always being the one to initiate contact. Sometimes I feel like a pest because of it, but I know it's the only way I will be able to socialize at all, so I keep doing it.

 

[Kefira]

Sometimes I feel like a pest because of it

Oh my goodness yes. Sometimes I feel like all I do is poke at people and get very little response in return. It makes me feel like maybe I'm the only one who's this lonely and isolated. Which I know is not true, but geez sometimes it feels like it.

And yeah, with the people who mean well I try to look at pointing those things like empty promises out as a service as well as obviously hopefully filling my needs. If I was letting someone down I would want them to tell me so I can fix it. And I think having that sort of a mindset helps it to come across as less confrontational/rude.

 

[evr]

These are fake friends. DROP THEM. I totally relate to what you're describing and for years I kept debating my own observations and gut feelings, and trying to blame myself for being "too sensitive." None of that is accurate. You gut is telling you the truth. Drop these people permanently. There is nothing they can do except bring more and more disappointment.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that perhaps it may be best to tell yourself that these people are giving lip service, and then back away, relegating them more to the acquaintance category. If you confront them, then those bridges may be burned for good. Maybe its just best to step away and tell yourself that you can see these people for who they are and that they are limited in that respect. Save your time for forging new friendships. But, I am not so sure that confrontation is the best idea, as it is most likely to end any sort of amicable feelings between the two of you. And then, in the future, when/if they come to you for help, you can return the favor! Hahaha ok so that may be kind of mean, but I wouldn't go out of my way to help these people if they ever asked for help.

 

[The Albatross]

Sometimes it is hard to look past my immediate needs and accept that I am simply not a priority for other people. My wants/needs are just one of many things that are competing for someone's time and attention. When I was ill and dependent... that caused a lot of angst/depression/frustration and resentment. But as I began to recover it was a hell of a motivator to do whatever was necessary for me to resume doing what I needed to do.

 

[zeropoint]

Yeah, that all makes sense. Though my mother has this problem as well--asking emptily what she can do and then disregarding any answer I give--and I don't want to cut her out even though it's really hurtful. So I don't know if I can prepare the same little thing to say whenever this comes up with anybody. Though I like Kefira's example, especially because it is so direct and simple.

 

[The Albatross]

I think before addressing it in Kefira's example, I'd spend some time in reflection and assessment about the issue more. "Calling out the flakes" for instance isn't likely to be received very well by almost anybody and may not get you the results you intend.

 

[joeylittle]

So I don't know if I can prepare the same little thing to say whenever this comes up with anybody. Though I like Kefira's example, especially because it is so direct and simple.

It strikes me that you can think about the levels of involvement you want to establish for people in your life. Part of this is self-protective; making sure you aren't counting on someone for more than they can give. Part of it is self-determination: deciding how you use your support network.

So, if there's something your mother can do, that you can more specifically direct her to that will give you the benefit of the relationship in the way it's good for you - then you can share that with her. And until you know what you want to ask for, when she asks you can say "No, I'm OK right now, but when I figure out what I need I'll ask for it."

If this helps: I've figured out that I have a "hole" in my relationships. I'd like to have someone I can call on when things are at their worst, just for emotional support. I know that I don't have that, and that I can't reliably look to my closest circle for that, because they've demonstrated over time that they just can't always be there - and I'm OK with that (I don't judge them). So, for the time being, I know that there's no-one I can go to in those times - and I don't like it, but am not in a position to change it right now. So I found things like this site instead.

I think we all struggle with putting ourselves in the drivers' seat of our own lives - and relationships are part of that whole mess.

But for the ones that you care about and want to keep closest - it's good to have the conversation about how it was for you when they cancelled plans to pick you up at the last minute. Not to berate them, but to find a way to have that not happen again. And they might have insight for you as well, relating to how you do your asking.