Hey Maggiemay,
I know the feeling of fearing being judged by others. I have/had extensive scarring on my arm from years of self harm. Red angry looking scars. Like you I felt ashamed and afraid of others opinions if they saw them so I never went swimming, I always covered up, and in situations where I had to wear short sleeves I always had my arm turned into my body or held things to cover them.
About a year or two ago I decided to have laser surgery, which is where they essentially burn layers of skin off to help level out the raised scars and to make them flesh toned. Now I only had two laser sessions done, I needed several more to completely blend them in, but I found that it did significantly help. My scars are all flesh coloured now (not as noticeable unless you're looking for them), and they aren't as raised anymore. Some of the less serious ones even disappeared entirely. The reason I stopped receiving treatment was because of the cost and the pain. It was $520/treatment, and the pain associated with it was a little traumatic for me. Your skin is being burned so it isn't pleasant, I'm not going to sugar coat it. My first session I was unprepared for it and plus I was told I would be given an anesthetic, well I wasn't given anything except an ativan after I proceeded to have a panic attack because I knew I was about to be fully aware of someone burning me (past abuse flashbacks). The second time however I was nicely covered with anesthetic and they did a more intense treatment because of it. Now the healing process is long and sometimes very painful, but I was pleased with how well only two sessions worked.
Without funding it is worth some serious thought as to whether or not it is worth the money it costs and whether or not you are prepared for a painful procedure and healing process. I would recommend it IF you feel like you can handle it emotionally. It is NEVER worth traumatizing yourself over, no matter the benefits after. If your abuse stemmed from someone burning you I would say don't even consider this route because you may find yourself very triggered and potentially re-traumatized.
Hang in their Maggiemay, things get better in regards to the scarring. One more thing, the benefit of me having to pay out of pocket for the laser surgery was that it serves as my reason NOT to self harm when I'm wanting to. There is no way I'm wasting over $1000 to make new scars that are very obvious.
Feel free to message me if you have any questions.
