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General Can’t Be Their Therapist

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Friday

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Long story short... It’s been a year long process trying to find a good therapist for my son (teenager).

I had the amaaaaaazing opportunity tonight, following an incredibly hard day :arghh; , where my visiting sister walked in on convo #12,602 I was having with my son having a hard time... and you could SEE her shift into work-mode... and I backed out, and the 2 of them made more headway in the 10 minutes I watched happening, than I’ve been able to make in months.

Oh. My. f*cking. God.

The difference training, experience, (and not being “mom” makes)? I know this. I’ve not only reaped the benefits of my kid having badass people in his corner, before, but 8 years of homeschooling could have been defined as exactly that - finding the people to bring into his life to make his life better. Teachers, coaches, programs, exciting opportunities left, right, and center. I used to be really good at that. (Why do they call it homeschooling if we’re never at home??? I was far less a teacher, to him, and far more a conductor / coordinating and arranging.) But I also haven’t done it for years, and years; instead having to deal with the fallout of whatever f*cktwit is making hard things harder this time. (In and out of the hospital, in and out of schools & school districts, in and out of court... there have been a LOT of f*cktwits, and precious few damn fine people). So, even though I know how phenomenal bringing outside experts in can be? It hasn't been a thing I can relax into, much less get excited about, for a long long while.

I’m a control freak. One of my very very few fears? Bringing someone into my kid’s life that will hurt him. Add those 2 things together, and finding someone as influential as a therapist into my kid’s life? It flat out terrifies me. Sick with stress, over it.

I needed tonight. I needed to SEE, to be reminded, how good it can be... for someone who knows what the hell theyre doing, to do what they’re best at.

Back when we were homeschooling? I got to “just” be mom. “Just” be me. I could relax into knowing that the people my son needed? Were in his life. I know he wants a therapist, but really? I think I’m the one who needs him to have a therapist. So I can go back to being me, and we can go back to being us.
 
Maybe you could see all the things a therapist does as a kind of teacher?

As therapists teach skills in areas other teachers don't. Like how to spot and take care of feelings and other odd buggers. You can always run it past him, what new he learned / needs / directions he's moving. Uncertain spots he needs more help out. How to get there.

Look more at the resource & asset angle, less at influence & prick hence burn the world before they hurt him one?

Super first thoughts, just so I don't answer only with Simpatico.
 
When my vet is between therapists he tends to use me as a sounding board for the garbage in his head. He needs to get it out, and he knows I’m safe, and that I’m capable of listening without commenting.

It’s f*cking exhausting. There is literally nothing I can do to help. *My* mental health is better when he is seeing a therapist.

One of the main things we have to repeat here in this section.., we cannot fix, we cannot help.
 
When you guys find a T you both like and can possibly trust can you be invited to an appointment here and there? Maybe 15 minutes once a month? It could satisfy your momma bear instincts to make sure he's safe.

From what you have shared with us through the years I can tell you have a very close and open relationship with your boy. Right? You guys share a lot with each other and I have no doubt you'll navigate this together too.

If your Son is able to communicate easier with your Sister maybe she can help you both get back on track. Can you have a conversation with her about it?

I know I'm rambling. You didn't really ask any questions so I'm just throwing some ideas out.

J shares all kinds of things with me and all I can do is listen. (Hmm??I wonder what it would be like if he was able to see his T once a week?)He also has his brother, boss, and a battle buddy to shoot the sh!t with. Who else does your boy have to talk to?

What about a life coach to go along with therapy? Something to build him up. Something positive and goal oriented and looking towards a future. A learning experience and confidence booster.

Sending bourbon and carb free carbs across the miles.
 
On 2nd thoughts...

Maybe what needs answered in your heart & mind is What kind of person / T he needs, so I can trust him (her / them... him for simplicity) for both of us?

Because to me reads you're thinking of you two not 'just' as a Mom and kid, but a badass team, and a part of sicks is Letting your teammate down.... which of course grabs up all the muddy dark juju. And other impossible to stomach chewables.

So what kinda T is needed so they are a team mate, and who they need to be to even be considered?

I'll borrow Sideways' line here: Or maybe just a total projection from my corner, rant over. ;)
 
I needed tonight. I needed to SEE, to be reminded, how good it can be... for someone who knows what the hell theyre doing, to do what they’re best at.

Back when we were homeschooling? I got to “just” be mom. “Just” be me. I could relax into knowing that the people my son needed? Were in his life. I know he wants a therapist, but really? I think I’m the one who needs him to have a therapist. So I can go back to being me, and we can go back to being us.

^Really rings bells with me. A court recognised how badly my little one had been damaged and 'awarded' him pediatric psychotherapy for as long as it took. Omg.. I didn't know until I began taking him, once a week, how badly he needed one. And though the Justice system did little, it got that part right.

So good you want to just be mother and let the experts be the therapists. So glad you're not fighting to get him there. Half the battle won just with that. I had to drag mine into the car & into the lift week after week, month after month. Until finally he walked in there under his own steam. It was at that stage I let myself breathe because just in that change alone, we (and his psycdoc & I became a team) understood he was healed and was healing. Now... many years later thank's to his doc., who he recalls fondly now, he's ok. :)

So, just wanted to say too, aside from above recollection. It's worth the effort to find that right person Friday. It's worth it, I suppose it might be a while before you fully see the results. And yeah it's so worth being 'just' mum too. Though we all know, we are never just that. :cautious: :)
 
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