Can All Men Be Provoked To Violence?

[Deleted member 31998]

That sounds like a "power relations" trip that your husband is pulling on you. What he's inherently doing is trying to convey that if he were to hit you, you deserved it and it is your fault. While he expects you to have accountability, he is also trying to make it so he doesn't have any accountability or own up to his actions if he physically harms/assaults you.

~Adrienne

 

[Deleted member 31998]

That sounds like a "power relations" trip that your husband is pulling on you. What he's inhe...

Furthermore, some of the scariest people can be the "most stable" in appearance. Keep in mind that narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths and master manipulators all hold this trait. The harm that some (meaning certain and not all) people with these diagnoses can result in terrible consequences. Stay safe.

 

[desiderata310]

hat he's inherently doing is trying to convey that if he were to hit you, you deserved it and it is your fault

yup that right there.

 

[somerandomguy]

I think it is a universally bad idea to assume a person of either gender is or acts a certain way because of their gender. Period.

 

[Friday]

I should expect a violent response if I get violent.

I very much agree with your husband, on this point.

As the police keep telling my exHusband... It's not considered assault when my teenage son hits him... When he's defending himself from his father. My ex has been beating my son since he was 9. The very first time (and next several times thereafter) my son fought back hard enough to actually hurt my ex? My ex called the cops. Wanted my son arrested. :rolleyes: Talk about 'can dish it out but can't take it'.

If you act in violence? Expect response in kind. You won't always get a response in kind, as bullies have learned world over, but one should expect one.

Very much a rule in my own house: When is it okay to attack someone? When you're defending yourself, someone else, or learning how to fight. >>> What level is involved should be commensurate.

It very much reads to me that your husband is speaking directly to this, as self-defense.

I want to slap the silence right off his face and force him to see what's happened.

I'm going to disagree with the majority of posters ahead of me, here. Taken in context it sounds to me like your husband is TRYING to lay a very basic boundary, in response to your escalating violence. That it isn't "If you hit me I will leave" but "If you hit me I will hit back" I don't see as particularly noteworthy. It's a fair boundary, IMO. And I would heed it. Not because he's saying what he'll do, but because it's gotten to the point where he feels he needs to lay out in clear terms what he'll do if/when you get violent with him.

There are a number of points in what he's said that I disagree with, but I really don't want to dilute the above. Despite years of this never being an issue between you two, over the past few months things have escalated to the degree that he feels in imminent danger from you, to the point of needing to spell out his boundaries regarding violence.

It would be very easy to blame shift into victim-mode, here. To focus entirely on what he's said he will do IF YOU continue on the course you're heading. I urge you not to. I urge you to look at why he's said these things, in response to your own behavior. To look at the patterns of your own behavior.

It can become a very tangled thing with abuse & DV, from taking too much blame, to taking no responsibility at all. Having been a victim, however, doesn't mean that one will always be a victim.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I agree 100% with @Friday I will also add that if I was shutting down a conversation by being quiet and not answering you, and you came into my space, grabbed my phone and acted that way.... You'd better be prepared for my response! When he didn't respond, I think you should have walked away, and not provoked him by doing what you did...

 

[J'qel]

No-no to "all men" for the same reason "all women". We are human and we all respond differently.

I will concede that culture in certain areas has encouraged men to respond with violence, but we're getting better about that as a society. My husband has yelled at me once, but he has never *ever* threatened violence to me. He never would. So, by that stretch, no not *all* men, because he doesn't. He is a man, so *all* don't.

I also don't think that was a reasonable response from him, and he should recognize that. It was a knee jerk emotional response he had to your confrontation. Should it be expected based on how he was raised? That's different and only you and he can unpack that.

If you recognized he didn't want to talk about it, then you should have responded in a more constructive way-but emotions high we can't always do that.

None of us are perfect, but violence shouldn't be accepted from male to female, female to male, or just human to human. We have a mind, we can use it better than that-we're not animals, we don't need to be violent every time we feel a threat. We shouldn't be.

If my husband had done something like that to me, I would have shouted at him, but I certainly wouldn't have been violent.

That he reacted poorly is expected. You were aggressive and invaded his space in such a method, but violence? No. Neither of you should be reacting violently and I think you both need to think about why you might find it necessary to relate to eachother in such a way.

 

[dulcia]

Weird convo. I agree with others that say yes, violence can be provoked in some instances. Woman attacking man without expectation of physical violence in return is dumb. No guy should ever put hands on a woman blah blah blah, but if someone is being attacked, you can't expect a normal reaction to that.

Also liked the comment about him waiting to snap. What he said sounded a little foreshadow-y to me. I guess find out from him what kind of things might provoke that reaction and don't do them. Eliminate uncertainty.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah I think he was being honest and candid and yeah you can "provoke" almost anyone to damn near anything. You being unreasonable? I tend to think so.

You can't control what he says or thinks and if it's a deal breaker, whatchu gonna do about it? But I'll tell ya in the scope of important things... that is really not a core issue. What IS the core issue cuz it is not easy for anyone to be provoked and in the beginning they are not likely to retaliate. BUT if you wear them down enough... by "provocation"... well even a rabbit will turn and attack.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmm... didn't read - only the opening post... and whoop... there's the answer to my question: ..."I've been upset with him for ignoring how I feel about something. He's never asked or inquired about my traumatic history and I've been so hurt that he doesn't care to know. I feel silenced in my home and at times I want to slap the silence right off his face and force him to see what's happened."

Personally I don't advise it.

 

[The Albatross]

Having read a bit more now... you may want to spend some time choosing other options than "I want to slap the silence right off his face". He's a partner not an object to have your frustration directed at. Communicate instead... but this is really not the sort of way you want to deal with a relational issue.

 

[scout86]

I don't see any way to sort out motives, for either of you, from here. I can say this, when a conversation with someone important is going sideways, and I know I'm on the edge of losing my temper, I walk away. Following me and trying to continue the discussion isn't a good idea. Taking my phone away to get my attention wouldn't be a great idea either.

But, it seems like there's some kind of disconnect in the communication between the two of you. And it seems like that must be new? Maybe the best thing you can do is work on the communication end of things.

I tend to be very literal. And being truthful is a big deal. So, even though I don't expect to ever beat the crap out of a SO, if one asked me to make that promise, I probably wouldn't, just because you never know. I've come to realize that everyone isn't that literal, but the problem is still there. But, I have no idea, at all, how he sees that or if that's part of what's going on with him. It just seems like this is important and that you each need to be able to understand where the other is coming from.

Going a totally different direction, it's pretty common for perpetrators of domestic abuse to say that the victim 'provoked' them. Maybe that was an unfortunate choice of words on his part, maybe it was him, creating an excuse. You really both need to be on the same page. You say he's never been violent. That suggests he's not looking for excuses to justify violence. But it seems like you need to each be clear on what the other is thinking. The best way I know of to do that is to respectfully ask questions and listen to the answers. Then ask more questions if you still aren't sure. Him too.