First of all, all of this is new to me. Having Complex PTSD and everything. So I can't really articulate myself well. Can't be aware of all the things that I'm feeling or everything that is going on.
However, something happened recently...or it didn't even happen and I don't have any peace anymore. It's such a stupid thing yet I absolutely can't function these days. I'm nervous, easily agitated and I feel by my appearence and my mood that my nerves have gone to shit. I'm sure some a traumatic response has been trigger somehow.
Anyway, there's this girl I used to like. I wanted to approach her. However, at the time I was in a relationship with another girl and I knew we would break up soon. Awful relationship all in all. However, I didn't wanna approach this other girl at the time because I was in a relationship and even though it was bad, I didn't wanna do something like that. Now, that girl I liked was supposed to move out of town. For all I knew, she moved away. I was also away for a while. I came back. Apparently, she's no longer here. Fine. Whatever. I broke off the relationship I was in, that was extremely difficult on so many levels but that's a whole other thing.
Now, couple of days ago I heard that the girl I liked is back here. At first I was happy but then after a while, fear and panic just pressed me like crazy. Since then, I'm constantly in fear and panic and I have no idea why. Would I like to approach her? Sure. What if I don't? I don't care. Logically it makes no sense.
But I'm having these thoughts that she's controlling me and supervising every move I do. Even though I don't know her, in my mind she is judgemental, she has problem with me being how I am and I don't even know the girl. I think it's either the past relationships where I felt like that or some childhood trauma that I associate this girl with. For some reason, I just see it as me not being as I should, something that was the story of my life, whatever I was, it was never okay, always had to be different.
It is not your typical relationship stuff that normal people go through. I can definitely feel there's something traumatic about this.
If I tell myself, no way, distance yourself, it doesn't make any difference again. Just her presence here makes me crazy and I don't even know her and have never talked to her. Can anyone make any sense of that?
I'm sorry that I sound stupid, I just can't really open up and explain myself. Hopefully you can make some sense out of this thing.
However, something happened recently...or it didn't even happen and I don't have any peace anymore. It's such a stupid thing yet I absolutely can't function these days. I'm nervous, easily agitated and I feel by my appearence and my mood that my nerves have gone to shit. I'm sure some a traumatic response has been trigger somehow.
Anyway, there's this girl I used to like. I wanted to approach her. However, at the time I was in a relationship with another girl and I knew we would break up soon. Awful relationship all in all. However, I didn't wanna approach this other girl at the time because I was in a relationship and even though it was bad, I didn't wanna do something like that. Now, that girl I liked was supposed to move out of town. For all I knew, she moved away. I was also away for a while. I came back. Apparently, she's no longer here. Fine. Whatever. I broke off the relationship I was in, that was extremely difficult on so many levels but that's a whole other thing.
Now, couple of days ago I heard that the girl I liked is back here. At first I was happy but then after a while, fear and panic just pressed me like crazy. Since then, I'm constantly in fear and panic and I have no idea why. Would I like to approach her? Sure. What if I don't? I don't care. Logically it makes no sense.
But I'm having these thoughts that she's controlling me and supervising every move I do. Even though I don't know her, in my mind she is judgemental, she has problem with me being how I am and I don't even know the girl. I think it's either the past relationships where I felt like that or some childhood trauma that I associate this girl with. For some reason, I just see it as me not being as I should, something that was the story of my life, whatever I was, it was never okay, always had to be different.
It is not your typical relationship stuff that normal people go through. I can definitely feel there's something traumatic about this.
If I tell myself, no way, distance yourself, it doesn't make any difference again. Just her presence here makes me crazy and I don't even know her and have never talked to her. Can anyone make any sense of that?
I'm sorry that I sound stupid, I just can't really open up and explain myself. Hopefully you can make some sense out of this thing.
