Can Anyone Relate? Do You Do This?

[Megyn]

Does anyone try to trigger themselves? I haven't had the courage yet to tell my therapist I do this- I know it's self defeating and emotionally harmful. In reflection, I think it's when I'm about to enter a short dissociative period (24-48 hrs).

My dissociative periods are cyclical in that there's: 1. A "gearing up" period, 2. the "free fall"/dissociative period, 3. The "realization of what just happened in the last couple days/contrite" period, 4. The "honeymoon"/super happy period*. During the gearing up period is when I intentionally seek out images, stories, etc to trigger myself.

*When this cycle is playing out, I do not realize this is what's happening. Once or twice I kind of recognized it, but I couldn't hold onto those thoughts of reason and the... whatever it is that thinks it's currently a reality, continues to march forward. Ok, if that doesn't make sense, and somehow I think it doesnt, it just dawned on me I actually enter into a flashback (?) because at those times I know I feel completely unsafe, untrusting, etc. Oy, I'm confused :/

 

[LilSam]

Does anyone try to trigger themselves? I haven't had the courage yet to tell my therapist I do this- I kn...

I trigger myself a lot, often I lie in my bed in the exact same position as I was raped in and just sort of lie there having flashbacks and crying. I don't know why I do it but I do.

 

[Ink]

I tend to obsess about things, images, questions. Since I started seeing my T, I have been obsessing about the blank spaces in my memory. I'm not necessarily trying to trigger myself, but I keep thinking there are things I'm blocking out. And I just want to remember. I just want to feel like I'm living again. I guess I keep thinking if I can find it all and I can tell her everything maybe I can start feeling better more quickly. Which I know isn't really the case. I just have a pattern of working being the stressor which tips me over the edge and its around that time now, so I really just want to avoid picking up and running away because it's not really a possibility. I don't want to put all that responsibility on my partner. Anyway, I have remembered a couple of things and subsequently triggered myself. Which then leads to dissociating at work. I just can't use my coping mechanisms when I'm at work--or I'm triggered so badly that they don't even help. And then I'm just trying to hold it together till the end of the work day--whenever they decide to cut me. No one wants their pizza delivered by a sobbing delivery dude.

 

[Friday]

Absolutely. I trigger myself all the time. Usually to be pushing at the boundaries of a thing / work on lessening the effect a trigger or stressor has on me (aka super useful & neither self destructive, nor harmful, but a form of exposure therapy)... But also occasionally because I'm faced with something I cannot handle, & so I'll trigger myself in order yank all my attention thataway. Shifts gears from the impossible to the oh this f*cking sucks, but at least I know what to do for it. Not exactly the healthiest thing in the world, but better than the alternatives.

I've gone the other way with triggering myself, as well. From straight-up retraumatization (no bueno) to being completely and wildly out of control. Seriously unhealthy and self destructive. I generally avoid doing this ;) But I have done it, and I've done a helluva lot of it. It's what let me find the parts that are useful to me (aka the top part, where it's healthy & helpful, instead of unhealthy and harmful).

That's generally how I do things, though. I tend to repeat shit until I can both figure out the boundaries / push the envelope / find where my natural limits are (and end up with my own little personal spectrum)... And until I can get things "right" in my head/heart.

 

[Casey_03]

I used to do this all the time. I think many people do. It's a way of trying to regain control over the situation. If you're triggering yourself, it means you still have control.

 

[Megyn]

I tend to obsess about things, images, questions. Since I started seeing my T, I have been obsessing about...

I do that too, and DID do it- obsess over blank spaces. I too want the whole story, not just snippets. Logically I know that:
1. My mind will let me remember when I'm ready
2. The whole story, which I may never know, is not as important as the work I currently need to focus on, from being able to ground myself to basic things like eating right, and not just cookies for a weeks on end.
I also, prior to even "knowing" the extent of the abuse, obsess over certain subjects and read everything I can about it. Even tho I didn't "know", obvis there was/is something in me that does.

I had a nervous breakdown some 10 years ago. I quit my job of 20 yrs, my career, prior to the full on breakdown. I was crying, cutting myself at my desk, laxatives.. I was a mess :/

 

[Megyn]

Absolutely. I trigger myself all the time. Usually to be pushing at the boundaries of a thing / wor...

Omg, that's it exactly.
Reenacting until it's processed, until I'm enured to the memory. Looking at images repeatedly and as long as I can to test my limits, ie how long it takes me to break.

I can see I've been doing this in diff forms my entire life- abusive men, drugs, alcohol, chaos- but now it's really "deep", the actual acting out, in a dissociativery state, something I'm not even aware of. It's like a part of me is showing me, physically, what happened :/ I'll be on total autopilot, setting things up, placing myself in the "right" way. I can't start this "ritual" until everything is "right", my position is right. I'll hear in my head, "no, not that way you stupid c*nt, THIS way" :(

I hate it, hate it hate it, but I'm compelled. I've only ever stopped myself once, recently, which is good I guess cuz I'm finally able to be somewhat present during these interludes

Thank you for explaining it exactly the way it feels to me (too)...

 

[Megyn]

I used to do this all the time. I think many people do. It's a way of trying to regain control over th...

Yes, that sounds right.. trying to regain control.. I didn't know tho that other ppl do it. You know how when you experience something shameful or bad or whatever, you think you're the only (sick) person that does it. Thank you for responding.. it really helps :)

 

[Megyn]

Absolutely. I trigger myself all the time. Usually to be pushing at the boundaries of a thing / wor...

I'll have to check into Exposure Therapy, btw. Never heard of it before :)

 

[Friday]

I'll have to check into Exposure Therapy, btw. Never heard of it before :)

Link Removed

 

[Miranda]

I can relate to you. I have horrible thoughts that pop into my head when I am triggered by certain things. Sex is sometimes a trigger for me. But sometimes when I am having sex and am NOT being triggered, I will force myself to be triggered. ??? I have no idea why. Its like my brain is saying "You know your not suppose to think about that, common, think about it" and the horrible things start popping up in my head and I try my hardest to force them out so it doesn't ruin everything. Then I am thinking WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF.

I know how you feel, its horrible and weird. I have not been to therapy or found a way to combat this. But know that you are not alone!!

 

[Miranda]

I trigger myself a lot, often I lie in my bed in the exact same position as I was raped in and just sort...

(I just joined this site and have no scientific knowledge about any of this stuff or anything) But I think maybe this is our way of trying to work through it ourselves? Putting ourselves back in the situation, trying to sort out what happened/why, maybe trying to gain control over the situation, maybe trying to face what happened and work through it, come to terms with it and move past it. I am not sure. But I do hope all of us on here find the answers!