Can Anyone Relate?

[Shasta'sJourney]

Does this experience ring familiar for anyone else? I'm trying to figure out how I work. I know that everyone is unique, and there is a huge range of experience, but I feel crazy. I haven't been diagnosed with anything (my counselor isn't big on labels, and frankly I'm afraid to ask). I might not even belong on this site. Maybe this is completely normal, and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I just want to know if anyone else can relate.

I'm sort of new to the idea of having parts. I've always had trouble articulating (even to myself) any intense emotions. It's like a thought will start to form in my mind, but before it forms, another thought- often an opposite will kick it out, and that one will in turn be kicked out by another. It feels like a big swirling mess in my head, all intense, but with no actual thoughts or ideas to grab onto. Therapy has always been difficult. I sometimes just blank out. Like I know where I am, but there are no thoughts in my head. I can't remember the question I'm supposed to be answering, and I can't even want to say anything. I'm there, but only as an observer. Other times, I'll "blur out", where I'm still mostly aware, but I can't keep my eyes focused (sort of like being tired, but once I snap out of it, I'm fully awake) and I it's really hard to understand anything that's going on. Other times, I can feel myself being "teenagery". My body language changes. I slouch, shrug my shoulders, even roll my eyes. My adult vocabulary shrinks. I have no desire to be polite. I become defiant. I cuss a lot. I am aware of the shift, but I don't care. When I snap out of that, I do care that I was rude, or that I said things that *I* don't believe. But when I'm in it, I just don't care about what anyone else thinks. There is another part that doesn't believe that anything is wrong, and another that is terrified that no one will believe that there is anything wrong.

Fairly recently, my counselor has started noticing the different parts, and speaking to them differently. The thing is, a lot of these "parts" only show up in therapy- the teenager, for instance. So could this be something that I'm just making up? I am still aware of what's happening. I don't black out or anything. There is a "teenage boy" part (I'm a 30 year old woman) that I notice during some specific social situations. He is confident, even cocky, and is very caring and protective of women. But it's still *me*. No one else knows any different, but I can feel the change in the way I walk and the way I hold my head. But everybody behaves differently in different situations, right? So how do I know if this is normal, or dissociative? Why would they only show up during therapy? I don't even know for sure if there was any trauma. Sorry for the rambling.

 

[Biz]

@Shasta'sJourney , you begin this by talking about possible diagnosis and from the tone, it seems like you think something is wrong. I don't think there's anything wrong with having different parts that act differently.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), the practitioners acknowledge that people have these parts that develop from stress/trauma; it's not associated with any one diagnosis such as DID but is instead about the behavioral patterns/coping mechanisms that you've developed to defend yourself or prevent hurt. I don't know what methods your therapist uses but if she's changing tones with you it sounds like she's pretty empathetic and accepting, whether she's using IFS tools or not.

I think even folks without trauma have their parts that play different roles and act/speak differently like their work self or their outgoing part. Or their tough guy parts. It's cool you have awareness of some of these patterns. Your articulation of dissociative blank outs and blur outs are really similar to what I experience in therapy and these moments make it hard for me to internally notice what's happening and what pattern I may be moving in to. It's good you've found some awareness to work with that.

As my counselor constantly reminds me, it's not a problem. :)

 

[Chava]

I have different "parts" or what I more think of as emotional states, that do also sometimes relate to certain ages. I also have a more clear outer self, that feels more structured, though that's been harder to maintain in recent years. Like @Biz said, some of this is normal to a degree in everyone. With trauma the different aspects of ourselves can seem very fragmented. I'm fine with different pieces...what I want to know is where the "me" is that holds it all together. I also don't black out. I dissociate also, without blacking out or losing time. I can't "see" anything but my hearing becomes very acute.

I also have a distorted sense of what is happening or going on with my body when in pain sometimes, I blur times and experiences together an meltdown quickly if I don't find a way to ground or grab ahold of the present.

If you have childhood trauma a lot of this would be normal, without needing lots of extra labels (why people like Van Der Kolk were working to get CPTSD or Developmental Trauma Disorder in the DSM). If you don't know if there was any trauma, then you just have to go with your symptoms and personal goals for therapy. Yes, everyone acts and feels differently in different situations. If you notice a bigger change in therapy it could very likely be because you have been able to let down your guard and feel safer to allow deeper or different parts of yourself.

Does your therapist suspect trauma? Any possibility of attachment or early trauma that you know of? What brought you into therapy? Intense emotions and difficulty regulating them can relate to many different things, but it's great if you have a therapist that can help you with those symptoms, whether related to trauma or not.

 

[Shasta'sJourney]

@Chava I started therapy because of over the top anger reactions. I also have (apparently) trauma reactions to some pretty specific things. I've always had trouble being intimate with my husband (I actually did black out one time there. I came back at the end and freaked out, because I had had no idea anything was even happening). If anyone touches me in my sleep, I start swinging. I can't stand to have anything touch my neck (My dad told me once that he had choked me as a kid, which explained that one. But I have no memory of it happening). The thing is, these reactions became much stronger after starting therapy, and so a part of me says that I had an idea planted in my head, and I started making things up. Part of me doesn't believe that. I'm hoping that eventually, I'll be able to come to a more solid place with it. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm overplaying my experiences.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hi Shasta,
Welcome to the forum!
People experience disassociation in different ways; my best friend who has PTSD describes her disassociation episodes a lot like a blur, but also an awareness of the fact that she is disassociating in some way. She described it to me as "watching a movie about someone else's life" sort of way, an outside distancing view. Disassociation is different for everyone; some don't remember at all when they're disassociating.
Some of the things you have discribed do sound like trigger or anxiety reactions...I've heard by many that often, when it comes to therapy, things often get worse before they get better. The reason for this is because bad memories or negative feelings often need to resurface in order to be confronted and managed, and this is...understandably very stressful and not easy to deal with, therefore it can make symptoms worsen sometimes.
I hope this helps!

 

[Sideways]

Heya Shasta - if you're feeling confused because there seems to be a dozen different possible reasons, take heart - it's just that it's actually really confusing and there could be a dozen different possible reasons:)

If it makes any of this even a little less confronting, the fact that some of this only happens in therapy is potentially a positive sign for you and your counsellor, because it's more likely to indicate that being with your counsellor is "safe" (even deep down in your subconscious), which is reeeally valuable, whatever the cause.

Trash the worry about "do I belong here", because you're welcome, with or without the big shiny certificate that says "I'm mentally ill!!". And as scary as it is, do give some thought to asking about your diagnosis some time, when you're ready. Worst case scenario is you get a label, but that can be an incredibly validating experience just by itself.

 

[Chava]

The thing is, these reactions became much stronger after starting therapy, and so a part of me says that I had an idea planted in my head, and I started making things up. Part of me doesn't believe that. I'm hoping that eventually, I'll be able to come to a more solid place with it. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm overplaying my experiences.

Like do you feel like you have control over these reactions? Do you tend to overplay in other areas? If not, I wouldn't think too much about it and maybe chalk it up to letting your guard down. How does your therapist help you navigate these different parts or feelings aside from talking to them differently (that would confuse me a bit, but I think I understand...I just prefer relative consistency of my therapist to balance my inner inconsistencies)

 

[Shasta'sJourney]

Like do you feel like you have control over these reactions? Do you tend to overplay in other areas?

I feel like I SHOULD have control, but have no desire to control it until afterward. Maybe awareness, but not really control? I feel like I overplay lots of things, but people I'm close to say I tend to underplay. I'm still tossing that one around.

How does your therapist help you navigate these different parts or feelings aside from talking to them differently (that would confuse me a bit, but I think I understand

She isn't nearly as weirded out by all this as I am. She often asks who it is that she's talking to and what is their purpose. Depending on which one it is, that question can be very affirming or downright maddening. She is of the opinion that everybody needs to be heard, but we're also working on *me* (solid here-and-now me) as a traffic cop directing the others instead of getting run over by them. It seems to be somewhat helpful so far, but I really am very new to this. She is also fairly inexperienced in this particular area, so I wonder sometimes if I might just be pulling one over on her. I guess that's why I wanted to know if these experiences seem pretty consistent with other people's experiences of "parts".

If it makes any of this even a little less confronting, the fact that some of this only happens in therapy is potentially a positive sign for you and your counsellor, because it's more likely to indicate that being with your counsellor is "safe" (even deep down in your subconscious), which is reeeally valuable, whatever the cause.

I think you are probably right.

 

[BlueOrange]

I really like the way you talked about one thought chasing another thought out of your head - it's a really good description of something that happens to me a lot.

The feeling of not being in control when I could tell (or part of me could tell) is one of the most upsetting and difficult feelings I've ever had. One thing that helped me was to think about something sad - this seems to slow down the process that makes thoughts chase each other away.

 

[Chava]

She is also fairly inexperienced in this particular area, so I wonder sometimes if I might just be pulling one over on her. I guess that's why I wanted to know if these experiences seem pretty consistent with other people's experiences of "parts".

But why would you be "pulling one over" on her? What do you get in return? Not saying you have to answer that, but maybe clarify if that's what you might be doing. ?

If she is fairly inexperienced in this area, I'd personally be loath to talk about "parts" much. I don't have names or separate them out. I more just think of it all as different feeling states. But I also understand they feel more differentiated to other people. I understand not getting into labels too deeply, but have you had any kind of assessment that might further clarify some of this? I primarily ask because of the bit about you mentioning your counselor doesn't have much experience in this area. Then narrowing down diagnosis stuff is sometimes more helpful. Do you mean she doesn't have much experience with "parts" or with trauma? If she understands trauma well, then the diagnosis isn't probably as important, but maybe you could talk to her about some of this...like how does she see these parts and how does she envision helping you with them (or maybe the two of you have talked directly about it some).

Not sure any of us can tell you if you might be overplaying anything, so I'd be more curious why you might. But also, it's pretty normal to act/feel differently because we don't have our same walls up in therapy, at least not if we basically trust our therapist.

 

[Shasta'sJourney]

She's not had a lot of experience with parts, but she's pretty understanding, and she is willing to try to understand better. She is also taking the opportunity to learn more on the subject. I don't have any evidence that I'm faking it, just a feeling sometimes.

 

[HappyJock]

Hey Shasta, I can totally relate. For me, it's the same thing. I feel like the moment is "spaced-out", less real and blurry, like I'm 'fading' away. This is commonly known as dissociation. Supposedly, I think it's the mind's way of rebooting because it's under a lot of stress.

As for the different 'parts' of you, that's ironic, I was just about to write that same thing down in my log. I'm not a therapist, nor a doctor and am the last person who can tell you what any of that means or is, but it sounds like a dissociative disorder. It kind of sounds like DID, but I'm not sure. It could me many, many things. Like you, these different parts of me behave differently, act differently, speak differently, yet I'm fully aware of it. I don't know if I can control it, I've never tried, but I'm fully aware that it happens but it's just that it's so strange, I observe but don't do anything because I don't get what that even is. These parts for me, however, avoid showing up in therapy at all costs. But, like you said, if it shows up in therapy and your T is speaking to them differently, then it means that your T is cluing in on something and trying to figure some things out to properly diagnose you.

Perhaps the teenage boy wants to help you. I call it an internal family. Even though my parts won't ever show up in therapy, they prevent me from self-harming. So when I'm changed into my other part, I don't remember my trauma. I'm confident, cocky, 'coo'l, distant, have self-control, am somewhat rude and humorous. I don't think your brain is 'making anything up.' Perhaps that's what your T is trying to figure out? Maybe this other part knows more about your past than you seem to recall? Does that sound feasible? I think it boils down to really something about your brain, therapy and what you feel in session, perhaps this is also another way of getting the help you need and I think your T is starting to notice things, too. Again, I have no clue, but these are just my two cents.