I know this is an old thread and it seems the original poster has already left the site but I wanted to tell her that she isn't alone and I've done similar things in my own marriage to try and justify my husband's hurtful actions.
I married my high school sweetheart at 18 he left for Korea, I stayed to start college. The next 8 years brought on 2 deployments, several moves and difficult times. His first deployment his Humvee rolled over an IED, he lost consciousness and woke up to pull his comrades out of the burning vehicle. Both deployments were full of trying to save his friends as they bled out, or marines who lost their whole lower body,or burned children, the list could go on forever. He recovered bodies, mainly pieces. He later told me of the first time he had to kill someone, a 15 year old kid, he shot him and then being the medic went to try and save the boy. He felt like a murderer, and still does for the 8 people he killed. The lives he couldn't save he carried heavy on his heart, still does. Those night terrors haunt him nightly. He was so happy to start the Army Physician Assistant Program, even with diagnosed PTSD and TBI, he was excited to have a purpose. He did awesome that first month, but one morning I woke him up at 4 AM for his PT test it was rightin the middle of his night terror and the intense anxiety was too much.he drove to work but that anxiety would build and result in a seizure. He was rushed to the ER for not breathing and I couldn't get to him in time. I was at a speech for work, I was too late by the time I got the call.
He survived but I wasnt there for him. That was the last day he worked in the Army. He had to end his dreams of being a PA.he started his med board which would give him a lot of spare time on his hands. He went to his dark place. I was in a new job, working sixty hour weeks, it was a recipe for disaster. He sought out attention and found it in someone else's arms. On our 9 year anniversary I discovered his affair. What followed was the most embarassing 10 months of my life. Like you, I knew my husband, ultimatums wouldnt work, I decided to show him how much I loved him by staying. It was the equivalent of letting him run over me day after day in a big truck hoping my loyalty would one day make him stop. I made excuses for him, I blamed his PTSD, I saw him hurting, the cry for help, didn't want to be too harsh, didn't want to be the one to make the decision. I didn't want to fail at the marriage, or to give up, but my husband already did. He was trying to get me to leave by doing everything he could to hurt me so I would. The wake up call came to me Thanksgiving of 2012. My husband wasn't home, again I kept pushing out my deadline, if he isn't with me on "insert holiday" then I'll know he doesn't love me and I'll file. I kept changing the holiday. I called him, no answer. Instead a text message from the other woman," maybe if you'd keep him happy he wouldn't be here with me" I lost it. I drove to her house, I sat on my husband's car hood until he came outside, we fought. I ended up going home and taking 10 sleeping pills, I just wanted that day to end. My husbabd called the ambulance and I had to drink charcoal but it was my lowest of low. We both knew we had to change something,probably divorce too.
I went through six therapist before I found one I liked. All the others toldme to leave him, so of course I left the instead. My new counselor specialized in PTSD and my husband came to several of my sessions. She explained so much to me and help me deal with it all. I was addicted to love,so much that I would do anything for my marriage, even allow my husband to treat me that way. No one EVER called me weak, or pathetic, but ME I felt that way about myself. For allowing someone to treat me that way, to justify it, excuse it. What was wrong with me that I thought that was okay? My self esteem was zilch. She told me my husband had an abiding love for me, like he wanted to take care of me but he may never be capable of loving me like a husband or like I want him to love me. She explained how war had changed him, and the husband who was crazy about loving me was different now.
We spent 6 months separated, I worked on being ok on my own and he spent time with family and friends. We decided to try and make things work in the marriage. It's been around 18 months and I can't tell you if we will make it in the end,but we are trying and are in a much better place. My husband is still very depressed,unable to find work,he tried school but was too anxious trying to get there on time or dealing with younger students and their comments. He went on some wounded warrior trips which helped, but mainly he is still unhappy with his life but is talking to me about moving, going on trips, going back to school, etc. We had our first baby this last November, she only lived for 18 hours and it broke both of our hearts. He was very sweet and supportive,he did not leave my side and he encouraged me to talk about my feelings every day.
There is a lot of compromise in marriage. Mine has been hard because of all the pain, and how much we have oth changed from 18 to 30 year olds. We talk about everything now which can be hard. My husband tells me I deserve better, someone could love me better than he is capable of loving me, he even tells me when I kiss him and it feels weird. I like you prepare for the worst now, so I have trouble being vulnerable now and often try to convince him he would be happier alone. Our counselor helps us talk through the issues we can't solve on our own. I think my husband is a different person, constantly changing, still growing and I am too. I'm less naive now. He probably doesn't believe in marriage anymore but stays to make me happy. We are best friends, we may not make it in the end,but I'm ok now regardless of the outcome.
I just don't want you to keep searching for PTSD to be a reason for your husband to disrespect his vows. Yes, being in a relationship with someone with PTSD requires a lot of bending, but don't break yourself in the process. Love yourself too, even more than you love your husband. Talk to a therapist that you feel comfortable with, and don't run away if they tell you a truth you don't want to accept. If somethingis bothering you talk it out. Don't keep compromising to the point where you are no longer happy. For instance, I would get upset that my husband never wore his wedding ring or didn't advertise he was married on facebook, it made me very insecure, when someone told me it meant he wasn't commited and just waiting for someone better to come along it hurt. After talking to him about it, my husband deleted facebook and explained he stopped wearing his ring in combat because of safety and hasnt been able to like the feel of it sense. We're still gonna talk about it with our counselor next week and I'm prepared to hear things I may not like. I never did an ultimatum, but I did say "I want you to be yourself, but if in being yourself your actions are ones that don't make me feel good about myself, then I have to love myself enough to walk away." I don't want to change him, but I have to realize he isn't the person I married at 18 or even 28 and either am I. He often feels hopeless, bored, depressed, unwanted, unhappy but he knows it's no excuse to hurt me and often his feelings have nothing to do with me.
Take this for what's it's worth and I may be late in the discussion but your story hit too close to home. I hope it helped, sorry for the novel.
