Supporter Can Ptsd Cause Infidelity?

[kizzy-love]

Hello all,
I am new to this site and really have no clue where to start so please forgive me in advance if I’m going about this all wrong.. I am looking and hoping for clarity, I am practically a newlywed to a soldier who suffers from PTSD that I believe started long before he joined the military due to abandonment and child abuse issues. I have known my now husband since HS we are now in our 30 years, we had no "history" during that time just that he was my best friends foster brother. long story short we "found" each other on a dating site and we have been inseparable since. During that time he was only in-town to get his self back together after a life threatening injury but chose to stay and join the reserves rather then going back active duty. He asked me to marry him shortly after (6months later) and within 2 months we were married. He had his fair share of women, a lot of women which he admitted in the very beginning of the relationship, even changed his # to avoid getting late night texts and pics. I didn’t have a reason not to trust him or doubt his love and commitment for me until I received a fb inbox from his ex (who we ran into before) that he had made plans to meet up with her but "played her" so now she’s all concerned about my life and wanted to share their "kik" messages which he completely denied. Less then a month ago i found messages on his phone under an unknown email address with a made up alias. I was so blind sided by the # of girls he was talking to, looking girls up on Craig’s list asking for pics through email, even created a "pinger" acct so he can have another # he can give out. Not only was the ex not lying, he was holding night long conversations(while working 3rd shift) with another ex from active duty days out of town. Prior to all this our affection towards one another decreased and when i addressed it he would just say things like "You don’t act like you want me" or "I feel unwanted" or "My head is telling me you’re my enemy" very random things that I didn’t pay attention to or for that matter understood because I knew in my heart that I loved him, wanted him, and that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him....so I just got frustrated and angry and upset and stopped doing the normal things I normally do making things even worst and pushing him away even more. The first thing he did was email the girl from active duty days that he was telling he loved and misses "don’t email me or text me I’m married my wife found out..we are never going to be anything" which really didn’t prove much to me other then "You're caught and you will do anything prove that this was nothing". of course he was very apologetic but claims that he didn’t do it to harm me, he had no intention of meeting up with anyone or seeing anyone, he just wanted to feel wanted, and was looking for attention elsewhere that he didn’t think I was giving him when in fact he was the cause that I stopped being me. He never once blamed it on PTSD he simply gave me the reason why he felt the need to do it and reach out to ex's and that there was no excuse for what he did and has been doing everything he can to "make it up to me". I have been trying to understand and find a way to cope, trying to make sense of the feelings he has and a way to help him get through those feelings. After reading articles upon articles I found one thing in common and that is the feelings he was having towards me "unwanted, unloved, taken for granted, or used" which I personally didn’t see, and couldn’t understand that the man i love and would do anything for could feel this way?! I am not the naive type I considered all the possibilities, the unknown is very difficult to deal with of course but I don’t rule anything out. Its easier for me to assume the worst and deal with it then make myself feel better by letting go of a situation that could potentially be way bigger then what it seems…its hard, very very hard to accept and deal with a disloyal husband but I want to give him a chance, I believe in our marriage and not ready to give up I just need some clarity on what I could be up against!! has anyone been in a similar situation? or experienced anything like this? is it safe for me to rule this out as such? or am I just finding an excuse to justify what he has done even thought I feel like it was excessive? Help!!

 

[rightkindofme]

I have all the same feelings as your husband and I don't cheat on my partner. I know that my partner loves me and my feeling unwanted is about *me* having feelings.

Have you considered therapy? Both for yourself separately and as a couple? If you are going to have a relationship with someone who has PTSD therapy for *you* is going to be a lifesaver. We are really hard to be with. :(

 

[Friday]

Can PTSD cause infidelity? No.

Can it cause feelings of distance, paranoia, foreshortened future, despair, guilt, rage, blah blah blah. Yep. In spades. Can it nix emotions altogether from time to time? Sure enough.

It's what one does with those feelings or jags of cold/dark that matter. And those are choices we make.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

NO. (To answer the title question)

Now I'll go back and read the rest of your post...

ETA

I'm not sure why your title says other as aren't you a supporter?

 

[Changing4Best]

I cheated on my husband (I'm a sufferer) when he was crippled and did not have use of half of his body from a stroke. I waited a long time, suffering from feelings of not being wanted for years before he had the stroke even (I had not been diagnosed yet, so I knew nothing about PTSD, nor its symptoms). I knew then that sex was impossible for him, so I was a bad girl. However, during the time that I felt ignored and unloved, I did not cheat on him, only after he'd had the stroke.

So, I would say that NO, PTSD does not cause infidelity, but it sure can cause feelings of being unloved, neglected, unwanted, etc. in spades!

 

[NicG]

of course he was very apologetic but claims that he didn’t do it to harm me

Whether or not he did it to hurt you is irrelevant. Whatever his "motivation", hurting you was a consequence, and he knew that, and ignored it. Cheating is almost always about the cheater, not their partner.

PTSD messes with our emotions and sense of reality but it is not an excuse for terrible behaviour. If you look around this forum for a while you'll find lots of examples of supporters, spouses etc asking if they're being too judgemental because their sufferer is cheating/abusing/hitting them. The answer is always a resounding NO. PTSD is not a hall pass to abuse or mistreat others.

 

[kizzy-love]

@Solara ...i am a supporter i just didn’t want to identify my post incorrectly. i read several posts where ppl seem to get a little serious about that lol... to everyone else i know my post was SUPER long i just wanted to draw the picture of my circumstances but i appreciate you taking the time to read it....
He doesnt seem to blame his actions on PTSD, it was just important for me to understand why he felt the need to do it even thought it was unacceptable. I might never know the true reason behind it, but i have to believe something...something that will help me hold on and not lose faith. part me feels like maybe he did what he knew best, when we starting dating his phone never stopped and he never tried to hide it and simply changed his #. so am i right to assume that he was willing to give it all away at that time? and due to his PTSD symptoms it caused him to refer back to his old ways?! ruling out that PTSD causes infidelity which at this time seems to only be "sexting" its still cheating in my opinion....how can i avoid him from feeling that way if im doing everything i need to do to be a good wife?!
@rightkindofme i have scheduled a session for myself and hoping that will help him go with me eventually...he doesn’t want to be on meds, doesn’t trust talking to anyone about it. and supposedly i am the only person who knows he has PTSD.

 

[kizzy-love]

@FridayJones that about sums up all the feelings he says he has. i guess i took it lightly?! i thought i was being very considerate of his feelings and his condition and i refuse to blame myself for what happened but feel very guilty that i didn’t take all his feelings into consideration..maybe I could have avoided it? but maybe not?! I’m just very lost but hopeful, I would do anything to help him I just don’t know where to start?!

 

[rightkindofme]

Hahahaha. I throw down 6,000 word posts. It's all good. (The average book "page" has 500 words.) Write as much as you need to write to feel purged of your stuff.

You can't change his feelings. Part of the reason I'm encouraging you to go to therapy is because you can't change him you can only change you. You can't "make" him feel wanted any more than my husband can "make" me feel wanted.

Meds aren't always helpful for people with PTSD. And finding a therapist you can trust is an exhausting process. Bringing him to your sessions won't be very helpful in getting him to change his feelings. At best it can help you two negotiate better about *your* feelings.

If all he is doing is sexting, you can take comfort from the fact that he *is* respecting some boundaries in your marriage. He is using coping methods you wish he wouldn't. He is leaning on other people for support when you wish he would lean on you.... but if he isn't having *sex* I would try to find a little compassion. (But you don't have to care about my opinion.) He is using the coping methods he knows how to use. He doesn't currently know how to put you in that role. It can be really rough.

I have trouble treating my husband how he wishes I would treat him. Life is like that.

 

[kizzy-love]

@rightkindofme omg!! thats EXACTLY what he said... i dont want to change him, hes perfect for me the way he is when hes not in a dark place. I have no other issues with him hes a great father to my kids, and the sweetest husband when hes himself which is why im so shocked by his actions. I hate to put it this way...but its like dealing with multiple personalities. im learning everyday the triggers and how to keep him calm in some sitiations, i used to try to have him talk to me but he doesnt like to so im learning not to push it. its like living on edge everyday, one day hes ok with my actions and another its a problem!

 

[Friday]

@FridayJones ... i refuse to blame myself for what happened but feel very guilty that i didn’t take all his feelings into consideration..maybe I could have avoided it? but maybe not?! I’m just very lost but hopeful, I would do anything to help him I just don’t know where to start?!

Blame yourself exactly as much as you would if he reacted to anger by punching you. AKA not at all.

As far as avoiding stuff? This is mostly on him. If he entered into a committed, closed, relationship... He needs to stop f*cking around. If he wants to keep f*cking around, then he needs to either be in an open relationship, or none at all.

Self control may be a difficult thing for most of us... But we are, in fact, capable of it.

There's a phrase you'll probably start to hear quite a lot: don't accept as treatment anything you wouldn't accept in any other relationship. I couldn't agree more strongly. For example: most military spouses can handle quite a lot of separation and still be & feel quite strong in their marriage. There's some difference between deployment separation & PTSD-isolation... But the same kind of person who can accept separation due to work, can also usually accept separation due to medical reasons, or passion & play reasons (hunting-widows come to mind). There are people who can handle no separation whatsoever. Be it for work, health, or play. It's not something they can accept for deal with.

Yes, there are things we can do to make things easier or harder... Learnin triggers, talking about what makes things better/worse, etc... But support does not mean a wholesale consigning of bullshit. Seriously. Don't accept anything you wouldn't otherwise.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You have to be careful as a supporter not to fall into the "it's his PTSD" trap. Sometimes when he does something jerky, it is because he is a jerk.