Can SA be unintentional and would this qualify as SA?

[Warrior Sunflower]

I am disabled so I do need help with baths/showers and drying off however I have communicated multiple times to my mom that I don't need help with drying off my bottom and the response she had the first time I said that was "Geez, sorry. I'm just trying to help." But I'm starting to wonder if that's truly the case because she keeps doing that and acts like that conversation never happened and today she went too far. She never went inside my bottom with the towel before and she went too far deep practically lifting up one of my buttcheeks and now I feel too uncomfortable of even just facing my back to her say for help brushing my hair and now I'm too scared to have her help me with any bath and shower stuff. And a long while before this, when I tried to set a boundary, she implied that me setting boundaries are because I'm mad at her and she implied that me setting boundaries makes her feel unloved. How do I handle this especially because she is the only one in my house that can help me with my disabilities?

 

[Movingforward10]

I struggle with the 'intention' aspect too. And started a thread tok to try and work out if what my Mum did to me was sexual abuse. I'm still confused about all that however.

What might help, is knowing how you feel.
You asked for care about your body. And what you can do for yourself what makes you comfortable and not comfortable.
For reasons known to her, she's chosen to ignore what you said about your body and she has done what she wants with your body anyway
Then she has been emotionally manipulative by saying she feels unloved by you. That is guilt tripping stuff.

You have a right to say what you do and do not accept about your body.

Is there anyone you can tell about this? Is it possible to have someone else do those care tasks with you?

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[Charbella]

I can’t speak to the abuse or not.

Wondering if you could thank your mom for all she does for you but tell her how much you wish you had Independence and would she mind letting you do some of the drying yourself off for yourself and then she can help with what you miss then sit on a towel wrapped in a towel. If she seems upset maybe ask her how she’d feel to be so dependent. Don’t make it about what she’s doing wrong, make it about you.

If you weren’t in a position to need her help I’d recommend telling her off but you can’t because you need her. Sorry you’re in an impossible situation.

 

[Friday]

Wanna reeeeeally bake your noodle?

It is a type of sexual abuse to NOT clean the penis/vagina/rectum/breasts/armpits/groin of the person you’re providing care for.

To let them fester and supporate in filth, decay, & infection…. Does get some abusers off.

Meanwhile it’s straight up neglect, &/or neglect & abuse, to refuse to clean parts of a person’s body out of personal/religious/etc. repulsion.

Just because sex-organs are involved? Does not decide sexual abuse.

Similar to a seatbelt shredding one boob in half, then needing a mastectomy, is not sexual (but physics, and poor belt design or application; seeeeriously, spend a couple hundred bucks and get an adjustable 5 point that secures you across your sternum and UNDER OVER your breasts, not across them like the male-design McCheapo 3 point cross shoulder belt, if you’re a woman).

SOME carers for the ill/injured/disabled? Are perverted f*cktards… getting off on either cleaning, or not cleaning. Most aren’t. If you have flaps, folds, creases? They need to be cleaned, and dried, and ointments applied. Whether it’s a vagina, belly flap, boob/moob, asscrack, etc. If someone ISNT cleaning/drying/applying the appropriate creams/powders/ointments/etc.? That’s neglectful, or abusive. Full stop.

- So if someone IS NOT cleaning/drying/anointing all your bits? It’s abusive or neglectful.
- If someone IS cleaning/drying/anointing all your bits? It MIGHT be abusive (or unskilled).
- It’s only sexually abusive if they’re getting off on cleaning or not cleaning. Both happen.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Fiercely independent disabled wheelie here I can't help with the abuse question, but adapting to my disability has become somewhat a specialist skill for me

One of the most challenging aspects, for me, about becoming disabled was having a body that felt like 'access all areas' to carers sometimes. Bar questions of capacity and best interests, and that's a high bar to set, we always have the right to autonomy over our bodies. Even if that means that we're not dry properly or someone thinks we've not washed well enough or whatever. Just because we physically can't do it ourselves doesn't give anyone else the right to decide what they think is better. We are allowed to make 'risky' decisions, we're allowed to make choices other people might not like, or go against best practice or guidance.

Often, people can forget this....that we are not another task to achieve or a thing to tick off.... Just because your body doesn't work doesn't mean you have lost all capacity to make choice in the process...and that we want independence, even if that means the task is slower.

Honestly, getting anything on my lower half is site to behold as I can't push with my legs, so I'm wobbling around like a slug. Socks. Hilarious. Thank goodness for old lady giant fluffy numbers because otherwise I'd be fighting all day to get a pair of socks on me. When I was in hospital people would actually walk in and take my trousers from me without saying a word and just shove another pair on me. Erm..nope. I asked for a chair in the shower so I could do it myself, and instead was offered a bowl of water at my bed . When I said nope, I needed a shower, I was told that was 'too dangerous'. Good grief I'm just a wheelchair user taking a shower it's not like I'm suggesting white water rafting.

I'm sorry for the situation you are in, it sounds deeply uncomfortable. I'm wondering if disability aids would help bridge the gap between your disabilities and someone having to do it for you? They are not pretty things, and I have a love hate relationship with mine... but, they do mean I can cover the basics on my own. It is slow and unauthadox but that doesn't matter.