Can someone break down hypervigilience for me?

[Fancy Dancy]

I feel like I'm browsing the forums in fast-forward motion. Absorbing so much of what everyone's saying, finding connections, relating to experiences. I'm trying to find puzzle pieces to put together. I read something a moment ago about being hypervigilent and closing your eyes being a trigger.

Can someone explain this? Perhaps in terms of personal experience?

I've been trying to understand why lately I've been having panic attacks hit me as I fall asleep. I assumed it was because the main episode I relive was an attack I woke up to. But that doesn't seem to explain it properly.

When I read the blip about closing your eyes something resonated. Could I be in an elevated level of anxiety, or "hypervigilience" (I don't quite understand what the term encompasses yet), and the panic hits when my guard drops or I try to relax or let go? I know that often times when my anxiety is dangerously high, I avoid closing my eyes, because the second I do I know I'm gone from reality, so I stare wild-eyed at anything I can to keep a grasp on reality. There's definitely something happening with me when it comes to relaxing/closing eyes/etc.

 

[EveHarrington]

For me hyper vigilance is...

You’re not just “seeing” like a normal person... Your eyes are scanning for danger, anything that is unsafe.

You’re not just “hearing” like a normal person... Your ears pick up what is out of the ordinary.

The kicker is that you aren’t taking in EVERYTHING. Oh no no... You’re on high alert and just picking up what is out of the ordinary.

I don’t pay attention to normal stuff. I’m so oblivious to normal stuff it isn’t even funny. I told my guy that he looks really good in polos. I say “do you wear polos often?” He says “yes, sweetheart, I’ve been wearing them on our non-date dates that we’ve been having since February.” Ouch. And while this may seem like a slight oversight, it’s not. This kind of scenario plays out all the time... I don’t pay attention to normal/safe stuff. I’m only on alert for the unsafe stuff around me.

Closing eyes?

This takes away one of the ways I keep myself safe. If my eyes are closed, that’s one major sense GONE and I’m less able to protect myself.

I can’t meditate with my eyes closed. Fortunately I’m able to block out everything even with my eyes open, which is something most of the population cannot do with their eyes open, so really there’s no need for me to close my eyes.

Closed eyes meditation=MAJOR freak out. No, it’s not calming in the least!

 

[Fancy Dancy]

That's really interesting! I never really thought of it being "abnormal". I mean, I understand that what I perceive around me is usually different than others, but I never attributed it to anxiety/PTS/etc.

I definitely hear every little sound everyone else is missing. My hearing is superb when it comes to listening for things that mean something's up. I NEVER know what someone's wearing. My partner could wear the same shirt for a month straight and I probably wouldn't notice. It's never been a thing I've really noticed about people; but I see their faces, their eyes, their energy, I hear their words and the intent in their voice. I fixate immediately when they do something "strange"/"suspicious" if I've already got my hackles up. I perceive their emotions more readily when they're negative or agitated.

I can definitely clear my mind, think of nothing, watch and wait, etc. with my eyes open. I can shut out just about any sense I need to. I think I'm also to a point where I can go several minutes at a time without blinking when I'm extremely anxious- I've also been told that sometimes I sleep with my eyes open...

 

[Mach123]

It meant I was always getting put into fight or flight. Little things made me feel like I was going to die any second. Eventually, I understood my reactions were totally inappropriate for the situation at hand. Then I had episodes, which were something else but equally difficult. I remember thinking as I sorted it out, it was like someone was after me always with a whip, lashing me and I was always running, trying to avoid the next blow.

 

[Fancy Dancy]

It meant I was always getting put into fight or flight. Little things made me feel like I was going to die any second. Eventually, I understood my reactions were totally inappropriate for the situation at hand. Then I had episodes, which were something else but equally difficult. I remember thinking as I sorted it out, it was like someone was after me always with a whip, lashing me and I was always running, trying to avoid the next blow.

That's interesting as well. I have frequent "physical anxiety" (is what I call it). My mind might be totally calm, but my body is in a "Holy crap we're going to die" state, and it can be very difficult to function, but I usually manage to pull it off. Lots of self-distractions, no socializing, and sometimes the right kind of physical exercise helps.

 

[grit]

I think EveHarrington described the best of this thing.

It is like you are wearing lenses and only if you are lucky and one day the lenses is broken (or this case healed), you will see the real thing and then you go back to the lenses and you are like yeah!!!!! wow! what a difference.

I will give you an example of the lenses. My husband complains I do not really hear him. and I am like really. I am a good listener and I do hear you. and he is like not really...and we go in a circle.

Now, all of sudden one day, he said something in a normal tone (his usual tone) and I was like hmm yeah like I am not taking it seriously. and he repeated. and I was like sure sure...and then he changed his tone (this is all automatic) and said I SAID THIS AND THAT ARE YOU HEARING ME?
all of sudden I heard! but more importantly I realised all of sudden (and in a sad way truly) that I only hear him all the time, when he raises his voice!

All my life, I hear and believe voices that are raised like my mother always yelling or scolding or just never speaking normal tone.

I swear to my dog, I was shocked. I was like ooh babe no wonder you said I never hear you until you ask same question many times. I only hear you when you show anger voice!
boom! another healing journey starts.

I saw the difference between the lenses and the reality! When you recognise one area, few other subtle areas also get healed cause they are all from the same experience. now I speak softer (I was also using anger voice as normal voice) and I can hear others in real life so much better. My whole life has improved significantly.

Hyperviglience to me is like today we are driving one hour out of town to a concert and all I can think of is we cannot leave the dogs what if bad thing happens? and my husband and his sister are like nothing will happen...they do not seem to have the same anxiety I have. Why is that? both dogs belong to us and we are doing the same thing (even her dog is much older and not well) but yet I am "worried" and they do not know what the future brings but they do not care cause they do not know.

yet I feel like the future is bad already. Hope this makes sense to you.

The best way I open myself is when I learn something I keep open mind for others cause I know if I learn that thing, there must be million little things I did not learn from my mother or she beat them shit out of me.

So I hear my husband and his sister and I am trying to see if that seeps in me. they are OK and I should be too.

 

[Fancy Dancy]

boom! another healing journey starts.

I love it when that happens :) Isn't that how it always goes down, too? Some little thing and it's like a door has opened to a new unexplored corridor.

we are driving one hour out of town to a concert and all I can think of is we cannot leave the dogs what if bad thing happens

I feel like the future is bad already.

they are OK and I should be too.

This is something I've been observing in myself a lot. When I'm voicing things that I recognize are worries exclusive to me, I remind myself and others "My anxiety is telling me this / urging me to remind you to be careful / etc". Like, I know I should be able to trust and relax and I know there is some divide there that I can't bridge. I'm stuck on the "everything is doomed" side and everyone else is on the "it's all good" side. I'm only like this about certain things, but very much in the realm of worrying for others' safety. I swear I have miniature heart attacks watching kids play rough or watching people use sharp tools or do dangerous stunts. I don't know HOW it always seems to be okay, I just see all the danger and worst case scenarios!