Can Someone Help Cause I'm At A Loss

[Aronoch]

Hey, I'm the fng so it's like basic again. I'm a former E-6 got busted down for punching my CO pretty dumb. But he got a bunch of my boys killed so I thought I was justified. Any way I am a former Ranger. I was operational all over the world. But mostly SA the Moug and desert storm. I was a sniper and combat medic. My first MOS was 45B small weapon repair I bounce around a lot for training to get to special operation. Well that who I was. Now I'm a disabled no body. But the point of this is I need help and advice from my brothers cause no one else gets it. I've destroyed my relationship with the only woman I ever loved. I've been in therapy and on meds longer than I can remember. I've lost three wives because of the way I am. I lie to cover up everything i do. I'm always hyper vigilant which makes me very hostile in arguments. I do stupid self seeking behavior to fill this void in me. I hurt her verbally when we fight cause I get caught doing dumb things. I take all my anger out on her. I can't explain any of my combat ops to her, so she can't really understand. She asked me to day we don't I have feelings or remorse or quilt. How do you say that's the way they trained me. I killed people in the line of duty and on mission. I can't tell her that. How do you say I don't feel guilty or bad about it or anything else. All I've done is push her further and further away. I won't let her get close. My men and I were brothers we were family, we did everything together and there gone and I'm still here. "Never leave a comrade behind" is part of our motto. Well I'm still here and there not. How do you explain that to someone? Why do I do what I do? Why do I hurt her so much? How do I make it stop? Please someone help me before I loss my mind.

 

[Zipperhead]

I spent the day standing in the rain at the markers for 6 of mine not far from here. It's not going to bring them home, but it's still something I needed to do. But I'm home now, and my wife doesn't deserve this. So I take the pills and do my best to keep it normal. Make sure she knows your working on it, and keep ahold of the good moments. They exist.

 

[Aronoch]

I try to but she only focuses is in the bad. Not that I don't deserve it. I'm the one that lies and hit things from her and take my anger out on here when it's my fault. I sometime I wish I hadn't survived the Moug or in the ambush in South America. My boys my friends brothers and family are gone and I'm still here. It just doesn't feel fair to her or me being this way.

 

[Aronoch]

That should of said hide thing and hurt myself so I don't do it to someone else.

 

[Afghanmadman52nd]

I feel your struggles bro, I'm going through some of the same right now. If you ever wanna talk, PM me or get on chat with me ANYTIME.

Spc. Dave

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Aronoch, there are many of us on here that have lost relationships to the beast, you are not alone there brother.
I am Jimmy from Australia. The beast is indiscriminate in who it takes, it's the invisible illness, sometimes I wish I was without a leg or something, that way people would not ask me why I can't hold a job down so don't work, or why I had to send my kid to live with his mother because I could not handle him, or why I take a hand full of drugs morning and night.

But the reason I do is for my current wife. She did not ask for this, so she does not deserve this. She does not want me to leave. Just as long as I am trying.

All you have to do is try mate and you know what, it can only get better from here mate.

They say 'Rock Bottom is solid ground' and 'A dead end is a place to turn around'.

Cheers

Jimmy

 

[Spock]

First, welcome Aronoch and know that you are not alone here in how you feel; the guilt, isolation, anger, etc. There are several folks at different stages of trying to move forward. There is no magic cure or drug. You just need to take one small step at a time and deal with yourself first. If you want to try to explain things to your current lady then you might start by watching this video (from the media section) with her and let an expert explain some of the issues you are dealing with:
Link Removed

Stay strong, stay safe...

 

[JarHed]

I'm always hyper vigilant which makes me very hostile in arguments.

Hey Aronoch

Welcome to the forums Mate.

Perhaps misery doesn't love company but the things you've said are things we've all had to deal with and still are. What I quoted from your post above is me to a T. People just don't get it and you honestly can't expect them to. Times the factor, it takes a whole lot more of it that we'd like.

If your current relationship is one the rocks just try to remember that it will take work and understanding on your part to make it better for you both.

This is a good and safe place. Good people and a ton of info. We do understand.

JarHed

 

[Ned]

She can't understand without having been through it. And you wouldn't want that.
Treat her as a bit of a sprog, mate. Needs your protection, including from yourself.
Oh, and welcome.

 

[reddevil1111]

Ned said it best imo. protection. I like that one a lot. welcome to the forum.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

When things really get tough for me my Brother I stay in the moment, not one day at a time or even one hour at a time, but right now. During that time I look for anything that will help, and set everything else aside.

There have been times when I walked out of the house at night in the middle of a rain storm just to give myself some time to get my Dragon back in his place. During one episode with my heart pounding and my hands sweating I tipped my head back and screamed. "If I'm dying then kill me now cause this just isn't worth it".

And, before long the episode ended. Here's the important part. The episodes never last forever. And, when they're over, that's the time to start looking for the things that make life worth while. They are hard to find, but they are there. BELIEVE ME MY BROTHER, THE ARE THERE.

 

[Aronoch]

Thanks guy for everything you said. It nice to know I have new brothers here. I'm sorry it took so link to respond. Things got really bad for a while I started with a new therapist who tore the scabs right of the wounds. This wald il hawyaa says to me well if I had lead my boys the right way then they wouldn't have did right? So it's really your own fault then from what you said. So I took a real bad spiral downward. I snapped and ended up in icu for two weeks and then hospitalized for quite sometime. The hospital was a good thing I think but put yet a larger rift between my soulmate and I. He also said I should relate one of my ops to her to hope her understand. So obviously I gave her the abriged reversion because of the sensitivity of the information. So because Everthing else that's happend she felt I wasnt being toally truthful because I couldn't tell her everything and I explaind that when I was deployed I couldn't say where or what I was doing so her belief was that I was cheating. So this guy just made it all worse. But hearing I'm not alone that my back is covered is reassuring I don't so by myself now. Thanks