Can Someone Please Stop This Ride...I'm Not Fond Of Rollercoasters

[catjudo]

Seriously, I feel like I'm on an f***ing rollercoaster. My mind is not in a good place. I'm fighting hard to keep it from going to a really bad place. Forget fight or flight, I'm just frozen. Like a deer in the headlights, trying to figure out what my next move is and hoping that it makes things better instead of worse. Sometimes it feels as though there is no predicting it. I know it's not the right answer, but I'm at a point of considering self-harm (cutting/burning) as a release because while not healthy, it is definitely preferable to suicide.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but as much as I absolutely LOVE and adore my daughter, last night I realized there are times that I hate her. If not for my daughter, I would feel as though I could just end it all...the pain, the fear, life (if you can really call what I'm doing living). But I have my daughter and I can't contemplate the pain that she would go through if I ended my life. I can't endure the idea of how she would be raised without me around to protect her. So if for no other reason than my daughter, I continue to live on but there are days that I resent it.

I have a therapist but honestly I'm still struggling with deciding if he is the right fit for me. When I last talked with my psychiatrist he gave me some tips for talking with the therapist to see if we could find a way to work together or if I just need to find someone else. While I know it's not the right thing, I know it's not the fair thing, part of me just wants to try a completely different therapist. I need to be able to go to my therapist and dump out all the stuff that is in my head and have them help me sort through it and come up with a workable plan. I don't feel like I can afford to waste time spending a session discussing whether or not this person is the best therapist for me. **** that...I need some help!

 

[cherryblossom]

Rollercoaster" is how I've described this PTSD ride many times, because that is exactly what it feels like. I know I just want it to stop, and get off, even if just for a little while, to get my head sorted. I also often think that the only reason I'm still here is because of family (parents and siblings, not children), and just how much pain they would endure if I were to kill myself. And yes, when things are particularly tough resentment does surface. I guess we should be grateful that we have these people in our lives that depend on us and love us, even though it's difficult at times.

No magic solutions I'm afraid, but I certainly relate to some of your feelings. If things aren't working out with your therapist, then you absolutely must change to someone new. You deserve the oportunity to work with someone who can help you work through things. You have to give yourself the best chance of getting better.

While I know it's not the right thing, I know it's not the fair thing, part of me just wants to try a completely different therapist

It wouldn't be fair, if you dumped him on a whim, with no good reason. But you've clearly been thinking about this, and if it isn't working for you, you have to be fair to yourself and find someone who does fit better with you. It doesn't mean he's a bad therapist necessarily, just that he's not right for you. It's time to be selfish, and choose positive steps to help you heal.

Regards, CB

 

[Pixie]

I am so sorry to hear that you are riding the rollercoaster right now. I can understand your resentment towards your daughter but I am also grateful that you recognise that in this moment, if nothing else, you continue "living" for her.

I have a therapist but honestly I'm still struggling with deciding if he is the right fit for me.

I think you already know what you must do but are perhaps afraid of taking that step? The inability to make a definitive choice or decision is one of those PTSD things and I can really identify with that so my advice would be to follow your instinct in this regard. Take action and do it sooner rather than later. I think this will help you to overcome the high sense of frustration that I hear in your post. If the relationship with your therapist isn't working for you, then find one who suits you better. Unfortunately, finding a therapist who you honestly can work with is a hit and miss scenario and can take time to find one that fits just right but it is imperative that you are comfortable with them. A therapist should make you feel valued, believed and show empathy and compassion.

I honestly think that this struggle is contributing to your feelings of low self worth but honey, you ARE worth the effort of finding a therapist who will be able to shine the light for you until you can see it for yourself. The pain of the journey won't be endless though I know it feels like it. All the struggle and pain and confusion will at some point resolve itself and you will be better for having continued through and conquered the dark places within.

Regarding the self harm, can you try a different approach maybe? Instead of expressing the pain through actively hurting the body, would a 'symbol' of that action assist you? Perhaps drawing a red line on your skin or painting your nails in a deep dark red colour... a symbol of your pain that won't actually "harm" you?

Rell

 

[Deleted member 541]

Cat, I agree about the therapist. If you are questioning if he's the right fit, then this has been an issue for awhile now, and the only way I see to resolve it, is to end it, and find another one......This isn't about being fair. At this point, it's about survival. YOURS!!!!

Man, how I envy you, as far as your thoughts about the thoughts of your daughter and not wanting to have her grow up without a mother...That speaks volumes as to what kind of a parent you are....Good for you.... Unfortunately, I never had those thoughts when my daughter was growing up, I just couldn't think of anything but ending the pain and torment, so I made my attempts, and there were times that my daughter found me.....

this is a roller coaster, and not such a great ride either, but it does get better.......I strongly suggest, that you find another therapist, and work on rebuilding that rollercoaster ride, so that it doesn't have so many dips, and it is less frightening of a ride.....

Hang in there....

 

[catjudo]

Thanks for the supportive words, everyone. I called yesterday and made an appointment with a new psychologist. That appointment is in two hours. I can feel my anxiety building. I've tried to write down as much as I can about why I'm coming to him so that when I'm in his office and I draw a blank I'll have something to refer to.

I have not canceled my next appointment with the therapist that I've been seeing. I figure I'll see how things go with this new person tonight and then make my decision about whether to continue with my current therapist. Even if the psychologist I see tonight turns out not to be a good fit either, it may help me to see more clearly whether or not my current therapist is a better fit than I've been thinking. Just don't want to rush into any rash decisions. Even if he's not the perfect fit, at this point in time he is better than no therapist or psychologist at all.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hey, at least it's a start. I hope that things go well tonight....

 

[MizzASG]

I hope everything went well with your appointments, and are feeling better now. I can relate to feeling sick if the roller coaster ride, but hang in there. Every turn and dip is a challenge, but if you overcome them, it's makes you that much more of a person! You have your daughter, so help yourself, and help her grow to be the best person she can be while you get to be the best parent you can be.

 

[catjudo]

Things did go well with the new psychologist. I've been to him twice now and think that he seems to be a much better fit for me. I'm already much more at ease with him than I was after several months with the last therapist.

He's very goal oriented and determined to help me achieve a few short-term (within the year) goals that I was feeling were hopeless and insurmountable. I'm so easily overwhelmed and then result in complete inaction on somethings, but he just keeps reminding me one bite at a time and for whatever reason he actually has me believing that I can accomplish something and I had all but given up hope on.

I'm obviously still dealing with the depression and "those" ideas are there. But I think this guy will stay very goal-focused and help make sure I'm keeping on track with the little things to get where I want to be instead of just getting overwhelmed and throwing up my hands at the whole process.

 

[Pixie]

Well done catjudo! I'm glad things went well and it is a good thing to have a few goals that feel achievable. I'm glad that he keeps reminding you to take "one bite at a time"... that is very important honey.

I'm very proud of you and hope that this will be a new start for you on your healing journey.

Rell

 

[growingpains]

I know the rollercoaster feeling and wanting to release your pain. I hope that you get the support and help you need for you first and foremost and for your daughter. Coming up with strategies to delay the self harm thoughts can help you to push aside those urges--someone else mentioned it awhile back in another thread. It is kind of like quitting smoking I would guess--just put off that next cigarette another hour, take life one day at a time and before you know it you are nicotine free...in this case not self harming. Sending you support and wishing you self-affirming thoughts for the future.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Catjudo,

Boy do I ever identify with the feeling of not wanting to cause your family pain by "doing the deed". I am convinced that I am still around only because of the intense pain and suffering it would cause my mother, and now my daughter since she has come back into my life.

I did not realize there were so many of us on this roller coaster. I'm on a ride right now and it is not any fun as you well know. My mom is having trouble understanding what is going on with me this time. Makes this ride a little more difficult than other times.

I'm just so down and sad. Here's hoping we all come out of this soon.

 

[Gloria]

Dear Catjudo,

I can so identify with what you are going through. It doesn't seem fair. It's not right and I also get angry and tired and fed up. It is exactly as you described it - a rollercoaster. I have been so down and pulled myself up so many times that I get tired and when I am down, I just don't feel like doing it any longer. But then (sometimes slowly at first), you start to notice that things aren't bothering you as much as they did just a little while ago and then you are on the up-swing again. Out of the blue, I hit a brick wall the other day. Oddly enough, the son that I totally adore triggered me. Why does my son express his anger to me and not his father or other people? Because I'm his mother and he feels safe with me. When I remember that, it's a very good thing. Because my sons grew up to be really well adjusted and wonderful people (despite having a PTSD sufferer for a mother) because they didn't hold things inside. They always had me to talk to and guide them through. Your daughter needs you so much and nothing will ever replace her mother. She would be absolutely devastated without you. She would be so traumatized. Take it from someone who has lost family members to suicide.

Just know that you are not alone. Hang in there! We need you!

Big Hugs!
Gloria