Sufferer Will Someone Please Believe Me

[torietoo]

Does your doctor know you are taking a lot of OTC drugs? Are you working with a trauma therapist? So...

Thank you for replying:) I have another thread called "can't sleep without taking alot of medication " and I kind of answered about meditation, somatic therapy. I am hopefully going to find a therapist that works with trauma. I agree with everyone that says that it's not about diagnosis but treating the person from their experiences and not by diagnosis. I don't know if I even said that right.

The problem with therapists and why they fail is because they won't let me try to explain in words they can understand about my inner world. I know all of us don't even have words in the human language to even compare to our experience with. I had a therapist who told me to make a collage of what I can't explain with words. It actually was great doing that. I made 7 poster boards of images and words and my therapist was saying wow, you're in alot of pain. I thought Finally!

But, I can't blame the therapist or anyone who can't understand because I don't understand it myself.

I didn't know I dissociate until I was with my first therapist which was maybe 8 years ago. I was caught shoplifting so I told myself that I'm never going to be so out of control again so that's when I started seeing a therapist. I had the diagnosis of bipolar since I was in my early twenties but didn't take it seriously (total denial).

This therapist was great for helping me get through the legal problems and psychiatrist problems but she talked about herself more than me because obviously there was alot going on with me that so many things fell between the cracks.

There was one time when I butted in from her talking and asked why do I always feel like the room is moving, you're blurry and we're in a tunnel and looks like she's a million miles away from me.

She asked how long that had been going on and I said I didn't know because I always feel that way. She set me up with a therapist who does EMDR so I saw him (really nice guy) and after a couple sessions he wanted to use EMDR. We're all serious and I started laughing so hard! I didn't know why but I would settle down and he'd keep trying different ways so I wouldn't start laughing.

He wanted me to take this test home called MID and I filled it out and it took him about a month before a psychologist ran the test through the computer program to get results.

Showed very high levels of dissociation without amnesia.

The outside world was getting extremely stressful thanks to my ex husband so I didn't do anything about it like continue therapy nor did I even think about this word dissociation.

Two other therapists tried EMDR and there were funny voices in my head being a clown and talking and images of funny things and they wouldn't leave me alone. Sometimes some of them would call my therapists names because they think she's stupid for even thinking that was going to work. And that was the nice things.

I'm not holding my breath about this therapist I'm going to make appointment with but willing to give it a shot:)

 

[KwanYingirl]

Reading your post reminds me of how far I've come. I used to have hallucinations and auditory hijinks. I'll I can say is that it was hard work and sometimes close to annihilation. Talk, talk, talk get it out so it stops haunting you. Haven't had EMDR too dissociative which it seems you are battling while trying EMDR.

In my experience, PTSD waxes and wanes. Sometimes two steps forward then three steps back. When I look at the big picture, every therapist I had had something to offer. You know, like getting prepared to do the work. The energy work I've done has been really helpful. It helped my sleep. Being able to sleep has in turn given me more energy to talk. Just keep heading towards the light!

 

[Flower Power]

My coming to an understanding of complex PTSD has helped me more than anything and it sounds like you might want to read up on that. There is a wonderful book on Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving and also The Tao of Feeling Fully both by Pete Walker. He has a web site too. His work really changed my life in coming to an understanding of what was going on. Also IFS therapy, which is not very well known. IFS is Internal Family Systems. There are therapists that are certified in this, others just play with it. I would highly recommend one that is certified. For me having a really loud internal critical and condemning voice is part of the whole problem that kepts me down, defeated and depressed. I now can say that I don't hear it anymore. Once in a while, but not like it was. Also having dealt with rape and repeat rape there is a pretty deep well that we can fall into and separation from the body and feeling self that gets created. At least I know it did for me. It was like I was totally raw as far as being with other people and in the world, I was hypervigilant at all times, triggered super easily and unable to sleep for fear of dreaming. Yet, I would dissapear at the first sign of any kind of perceived threat. It could be a tone of voice, a look, etc. With therapy and having read everything I can get my hands on, on how to re-establish connectivity with my body, feelings, spiritual self. It is quite a recovery process when I never felt like I got a chance to develop a real self because of all the emotional and verbal abuse, and repeat trauma that occured. I have always sought answers but only within the last 3 years have I really seen healing. Everything you are describing can fall under the complex PTSD heading. Reading those books I saw myself so clearly in everything. The writer is not just a therapist but also lives with complex PTSD himself. Powerful writings.

 

[katz]

Hi, Torietoo,
Welcome to the forum. I can assure you that you will find people here who understand what your feeling. You will always be welcome. I have a few things that I want to share with you.

You sound like you have a number of things going on inside you. Have you been checked by a neurologist? I was on medicines for most of my life. Lots of medicines for what everyone thought were seizures, and lots of them for "mental problems" as they called them, but none of them seemed to work, so they just added more, or upped the dosage. Finally, my new neurologist said that he would not prescribe any more meds for me till I was checked into the hospital. I went in just after Christmas a few years ago. I was hooked to an MRI machine and put on camera and even a mike was put into my room. She interviewed me and told me to push a button on my bed if I felt that I was "stepping out" as I called it.

By the end of the week, she had taken me off all but one of my meds. It was the one that I will need for the rest of my life. It is for the seizures (epilepsy). All the others are gone. Even the one that I was told I would "have to take for the rest of my life". (I would have put his kids thru college for him!)

The doctor at the hospital was also able to diagnose me with PTSD. I was soooo relieved to have an official name for it! It nearly brought tears to my eyes. I asked her to tell my parents so they would believe it was real. My mother was shocked! I wish sooo much that I had looked at my dad's expression! (He is one of my "demons" that hurt me) Since then, I have never 'stepped out". And I still don't have any seizures-ever. That was over 8 years ago.

I think that you do have a number of things going on. I would really think about seeing a medical doctor--not a psychiatrist. When someone has PTSD, the doctors can diagnose it from medical tests. They may also be able to find out if there are any other conditions that you are not aware of. Remember that if you do need a medicine for any of the other symptoms, they will give you what you need--from the physical stand point. Not from what they "think" you have or need mentally. It was such a relief for me when I was officially told that it was PTSD. It wasn't just me "going crazy" like I had been told by my family for my whole life.

Most important--remember that you will always be welcome here in the forum(s). You are not alone in this.

(( )) Many Hugs!! to you