Can Trauma Be Complicated By Home Situation

[Kintsugi]

Hi redfox,
I don't really have any answers for you. All I can say is that myself, my brother (abuser), and my sister were all sexually abused as children. I don't know much about their experiences. I don't know how long term either of them were, though I suspect that my brother's experience was long term, as he was abused by my older foster brother. My sister was abused by a babysitter; I don't know if this happened repeatedly or not. My point in all of this is that I am the only one who manifested clearly PTSD traits, and I was the only once forced to go through therapy. My sister got really into drugs in her youth, went to a rehab center, but that's a different focus. I don't know what has actually gone on beneath her drug and lifestyle problems, but in any case, she has never hinted in any facet of her personality that PTSD is there. Similarly, my brother doesn't seem to have specifically PTSD traits. He seems to be tossing his life away. He has no ambitions, no plans. His idea of furthering his life is buying the next new piece of technology.

But my relationship with my mother was different than theirs was. I was not only constantly counted on by my mother (and still am sometimes: when she leaves for a trip and it's just me and my father at home, I am responsible for cooking, cleaning, locking the doors and windows at night, shopping, etc.), but I was also counted on her to be what she called her 'emotional trashcan.' She berated me for hours and hours a day--just she and I across from one another with her spouting one long shouting monologue--everyday. I was with her all the time. She relied on me heavily as both an emotional punching bag and a personal assistant.

I don't know if this played into any of my abuse (I think, if anything, the fact that she put me in a caregiver position toward my abusive brother), but I do know that ever since all of my memories surfaced and began affecting me, I have had a real problem with this dynamic. My other siblings never got this from her. I was the only one. When I was younger, I honestly thought that it was because I was special. When I got a little older, I thought it was because she resented me. Whatever the reason, I am stuck with these tumultuous feelings now, and they always rear their ugly heads when I am trying to work on my PTSD/trauma.

I hope that was maybe helpful.

I agree with Cheshire and Heather, by the way. No arguments. We support you and want to see the best for you. It's hard for this forum to feel non-confrontational, eh? ^-^

 

[redfox]

Thanks Sunshine, that really is helpful. I can see how your family dynamics contributed to you getting PTSD and not your siblings. Of course it's harder for me to think clearly about my own situation to apply it but I guess that is what therapy is for. I do think I had a different relationship with my father than my siblings... for whatever reason, maybe because I was one of the youngest, or because I was a twin (which he never liked how close me and my sister were), or because I had more of an attitude than my other siblings who had figured out early enough to keep their heads down... which I never quite got the hang of lol. Either way I do think I was his punching bag sometimes to take out aggression that didn't necessarily have to do with me directly. My sisters both had to do a lot of the things you describe though, household duties, because my mother was sick most of my childhood. My older sister basically raised us all and when she got married and moved out my twin sister did most of the housework at a young age. She turned out Ok though.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Redfox, that is so sad! No little child deserves to have that happen. I hope that it healed all well!!

As to why some people get PTSD and not others in the same family is a very good question. Maybe it is like one sibling might be sensitive and creative the other very practical. Or maybe later, there were more supports in terms of friends, etc. From what I have read, there is a very crucial time period of like 2 weeks after a clear cut trauma in which the brain is going to be "set." That is the case for Propranolol medication--- given immediately can reduce the chance of PTSD or so the theory. Maybe someone else can add more, but maybe during that time, you were forming the whole mental arena around the trauma that stuck and maybe she had someone or something to help her process it better?

Just a thought maybe.

I am really sorry that you are suffering so and hope that you can get help. I am glad you are here even if the reason you are here really sucks.

 

[redfox]

If you mean the broken bones, my arm healed fine, my tailbone didn't though and I still have lower back pain from it. It is not too bad though. The emotional scars though haha well clearly they did not heal.

That is interesting about the 2 weeks... that was a very rough time in my life not just because of witnessing the accident but because it put my family into major turmoil... I do remember that my father was extra angry at me at that time... of course he was going through pain too so it's hard to blame him... I don't want to talk about the details of the accident but someone in our family died. I guess my father was pretty rough on me at that time. Some of it I don't remember. But I do remember the night after it happened having my first nightmares about it, that was a really bad night. I wet the bed and he was so angry. And I've been having those nightmares ever since pretty much.

 

[redfox]

I wrote that list and gave it to her and she said pretty much what you guys said, that she thought it was abuse. So I explained why I didn't think so. And she asked me, would I do those things to a child, and I said I hoped not. She asked me if it would be abuse if I did that to a child and at that point I had to think about it because my gut reaction is yes. But I don't know if that is just because I am always hard on myself. She wanted to talk about that stuff mostly this session and not the trauma but that's ok with me since last session was really hard for me.

 

[seedling]

redfox,

My husband and I went through the same trauma together as you and your sister did. I got PTSD and he didn't. I suppose I could say "I got it because I'm a woman" but I really don't know why and sometimes this goes around and around in my head.

I think it has a lot to do with the perspective of how we view our trauma, how we're seeing it in relation to ourselves at the time. What we believe about it.

It sounds like for you the dynamics with your dad could have played a large part in it. Him being in pain does not excuse in any small way his taking it out on you in anger. That's a completely dysfunctional way to deal with pain. Maybe your sister got more sympathy and compassion at the time or at least not a load of crap for being upset about it. Perhaps you felt that you didn't deserve any compassion since everyone was suffering, there just wasn't enough sympathy to go around.

Hang in there, your therapist will help you see out of all this.

 

[Heather]

. She asked me if it would be abuse if I did that to a child and at that point I had to think about it because my gut reaction is yes.

But I don't know if that is just because I am always hard on myself.

Your gut reaction was yes because you know deep down inside what constitutes abuse. You are NOT being hard on yourself. Facing this sh*t is hard. Who wants to believe that the people that are suppose to love and protect us could do such horrible things to us? It's hard to face that reality. Somehow you must want to face it you took my advice and you don't even know me.

I could be some lunatic for all you know. Just go ask my sister.....she thinks so:p. Ofcourse she also married a man that sexually assaulted me so, I wouldn't put to much stock into what she has to say. Sorry, I'm getting way off topic here..........

Be proud of yourself. It took a lot of courage to do what you did today. I think you're very strong to put it down on paper and show it to your therapist. Good for you redfox!

Take care. Hugs. Heather

 

[Cheshire]

I'm so proud of you, redfox :) It took huge strength and courage to give that list to your psych. Seems to me like she's focusing on that because she sees it as another element of your trauma, not that she's disregarding the death that you see as your particular trauma. It takes time, she'll cover all of the elements eventually.

I'm just wondering, maybe you didn't think it was abuse because it didn't happen regularly? I was thinking earlier, I wonder if that's how it can be thought of by some people.. if it only happens a couple of times, like not on a regular basis, then it's not abuse? Just a thought.. feel free not to answer if you don't want to, and I'm definitely not trying to be offensive again.

Look after yourself ((redfox))

 

[redfox]

Well I don't know if I am "strong" for handing her a piece of paper but thank you guys. Yes the irregularity of it has a lot to do with how I see it. Those were the only two times he hurt me bad except when I was 15. Usually he just yelled at me or pushed me around a little but I did not get bones broken regularly or anything like that. You know, when you think about abusive fathers you think of some drunk guy who is always throwing his kids across the room or some really uptight scary guy who has his children constantly living in terror. It was not like that for me. He would break things in the house or yell more often than he hurt us and I can understand why becuse I have always had anger problems too. Usually the most he would do was grab or hit me or shake me around some.

 

[Cheshire]

Well.. I can't change how you view things, and it's not my place to do so anyway. All I can say is that in my personal opinion, if my father used to grab me and hit me or shake me around or yell or break things in the house when he was angry, and do those things unreasonably, not just in the regular course of discipline (back in the day when you could get smacked without people getting all up in arms about it?), I would have called it abusive. Not all abuse is physical, and from what I have experienced and can tell from others, too, verbal abuse and mental/emotional abuse (i.e. intimidation etc) are sometimes more damaging than physical abuse, or at least they leave more complex scars.

You are definitely strong for handing her a piece of paper.. you're strong for seeing a psych in the first place. It's a scary thing to be willing to face your issues, and even scarier to face them when you're not sure they're issues in the first place.

 

[Heather]

redfox - Where do you think those anger problems came from? Children LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE.

Well I don't know if I am "strong" for handing her a piece of paper but thank you guys.

Usually the most he would do was grab or hit me or shake me around some.

Yes, you are "strong" for handing her a piece of paper because it took a lot of courage to do that. And do me a favor add to your list: grab me, hit me and shake me around some. Because that is abuse too.

You DIDN'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THAT WAY! I don't care how mouthy you were. How obnoxious. How defiant. etc. etc. etc. You didn't deserve it!

 

[Faye_Valentine]

Smile, Redfox.

You've got a whole arsenal of friends here now to back you up and here you out. Your perception and acceptance of things that have happened will change and you will become a better and stronger person for it. Without the hardships we go through we wouldn't be the people we are today and I see strong, smart, supportive people here. :)

Best of luck with your therapist. Let us know how it goes! Keep your chin up. ^_^