Can Trauma Be Complicated By Home Situation

[Heather]

Oh, also I have a 7 y/o daughter and she can be such a l'il snot sometimes and her mouth! But I DON'T, EVER, EVER HIT HER!

redfox, I would die before I ever lay a hand on her or break a bone! My goodness! I can't even bring myself to enter that idea into my head. There are other ways to discipline. I use time-outs and I take away her priviliges.

This is my daughter could you imagine someone beating her to the point that her arm is broken? Her tailbone? Pushing her so she falls down the stairs?

 

[redfox]

Well I can imagine it but you are right that it seems really bad. I don't know how much is because she is a girl though. My father never hurt the girls much physically. I sure hope no one ever hurts your daughter though she looks like a nice kid.

 

[redfox]

Also I am not trying to ignore the other posts I just don't know what to say really. It's confusing to me

 

[Heather]

Gender has nothing to do with it. You were a child. Just like she is, an innocent. That is what you both have in common that is the point I am trying to make. She is no more to deserving than you are to be treated in such a cruel and inhumane way.

You made the first step today by sharing that list with your therapist. Kuddos to you! You are strong and courageous. Even if you don't believe it now. We're here telling you that you are! Take care.

Heather

 

[Dee Morris]

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. I just wanted to chime in on how much courage it takes to write out things that are hard to accept as true. The fact that you then chose to share that information with another person required a vulnerability that is not easily shared.

 

[redfox]

I guess I did not think that much of it, I mean most people get some kind of discipline from their parents. I didn't realize it was a problem or a big deal. The only thing that really bothers me was when I was 15 and he kicked me out I did get hurt pretty bad then and I don't like to think about it. But there was justification for that. And after that was where my life became very different from my sister's but that was a long time after the trauma happened. First I was living with relatives then I went into foster care and that was not a fun time in my life.. but then again what was... lol

 

[Dee Morris]

Most people do get some kind of discipline from their parents. Discipline is "normal". The extent of the "discipline" your father exacted onto you crossed the line. You can't change what happened. You can't change how painful those events were to you at the time. You CAN change the dialogue in your brain regarding those events. Changing that dialogue will eventually help you gain some clarity. You have the power to not allow reminders of specific events re-traumatize you. Easier said than done but a worthy endeavor none the less. :tup:

 

[Heather]

discipline from their parents.

I didn't realize it was a problem or a big deal. The only thing that really bothers me was when I was 15 and he kicked me out I did get hurt pretty bad then and I don't like to think about it.

But there was justification for that.

redfox, What he did to you was NOT DISCIPLINE! It was flat out abuse! And it is a HUGE PROBLEM! There is NO JUSTIFICATION FOR WHAT HE DID TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE 15!!!!!! I don't care what YOU DID!!!!

If he hurt you pretty bad then he is WRONG!!!! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG

I agree with Dee changing the dialogue in your head overtime will help you gain some clarity...i.e. telling yourself what happened was not a big deal, your dad was justified in beating you to the point that he broke your bones etc. etc.

Take care. Heather

 

[mamachick]

I grew up in a house with four older sisters and a mother. They were always fighting. My mother was verbally abusive to me at times even though she didnt think so. I witnessed a lot of physical fighting as well, often resulting in someone being drug off to a juvenile center or jail.

Even though I have been told that this childhood was the beginning of ptsd, I think in the back of my mind, I could see how I got in abusive relationships when I grew up and thought that was more traumatic. My reasoning at least in part was that even though childhood events were unpleasant, it didn't sound that traumatic (from a grown womans eyes and ears). I think I had disconnected enough to not imagine all this grown up chaos going on (while I was very little).
Big people with power and that you are counting on to care for you when you are small is a much different perspactive than depending on them when we are equal size and I now have the skills.

A few months ago, I was triggered into feeling like that small child. My sister was staying with me and she is extremely angry and screams and cusses a lot like my mother did. She has a short fuse and a very low frustration/tolerence level. She got mad and grabbed her dog by the neck and started shaking her hard. It was like she was a mad woman-when I yelled for her to stop, she did, and seemed to bring herself back. I froze.It was a feeling of being a child and feeling the fear of a big person out of control. This feeling was brief but I had this urge to get away from her and I did. I felt sick all day.

While its a no brainer, I think some of forget that these abusers seemed like giants compared to our young little selves. Or maybe we disconnect from the fact to survive and unintentionally, minimize or stay in denial.
A lot of good responses and support here from others.

 

[redfox]

The way you guys put it things do sound worse than I thought. I mean, you are probably right. It's just hard to get my head around it. I want to ask my sister what she thinks but I don't know how to say it or bring any of this up. We don't usually talk about the past at all. As far as what you said, brat17, that makes sense too, I guess I am looking at things through adult eyes, and I think so he yelled and hit me sometimes, so what. But when I think about how I felt then instead of just what happened I do remember feeling afraid all the time and like I was walking around landmines and I guess that is not a good environment to be in when you are trying to deal with trauma. I never really understood why my father didn't seem to like me and I could not seem to stop myself from acting up which just made him like me less. Sometimes I worried he would go too far and accidentally hurt one of us really bad or even kill us... of course he never would have but when you are a kid you don't always know. It's funny I had not thought about these things in a long time. I just thought about the events that happened and how I feel about them now, not how I felt about them back then.

 

[The Albatross]

Hiya Redfox. I just want to let you know I hear you loud and clear. I know what you mean about thinking it was not a big deal because it was intermittant. I understand what you mean about the other siblings being treated differently. I was the eldest, a girl and my father treated me that way because my brother was born ill. I was scape goated. He pushed me to run away, mouth off, smoke... so that he could act up and punish me. Feel in control. Ultimately my younger brother and my mother treated me that way too. But it never made a dent in me until "the coast was clear" and my dad (who I maintained a relationship with all the way up to his death from cancer) died. I loved my dad, I knew he was hardest on me, I knew he got worse than he gave and understood that to him it was discipline. But he did abuse me. He did hurt me. I can so relate to walking around landmines... I felt like that too and it took every bit of presence of mind I could muster to hang in at home and cope until I graduated a year early and got a diploma. He could act on me with impunity in our family. Even when he got a divorce I wasn't safe. As an adult, it was more covert, verbal. I was in my 40's everywhere but with my father I was a scared 6 year old girl.

Even though I loved him, as my father, and understood he had other problems, so did my mom... my first thought was, "Now he can't hurt me ever again." when he died.

I'm in a complicated situation myself, and I just wanted to let you know, until about 6 years ago, I could not feel safe enough to come out of denial and accept that my father was physically and emotionally abusive, even verbally sexually abusive with me. Take good care of yourself, and I can really relate to what you've been sharing here.

 

[seedling]

redfox,

When you think about your dad are you angry at him now? Were you angry at him then? Is that anger hard to feel? Maybe your acting out was a way to release anger even though it meant more trouble.

I have trouble feeling anger toward the people who caused my trauma, that's why I wonder these things for you. For me it's gotten buried because it's so huge (seemingly), or I can't forgive myself for feeling it (maybe?).

I agree with Heather - what he did was not discipline. It's important to not be angry when disciplining a child. If a parent is angry it's best to wait to confront any issues. Real authority is laid down with calm decision, not loud threats and physical intimidation.

Whatever happened at 15 was the culmination of the relationship he had built with you to that point - one in which he was the much more responsible party. My parents could have kicked my brother out when stuff happened with him. Instead, they let the rest of us know that we wanted him to come home and work things out and be with us - which is what happened when he got to the end of his rope.

You seem to be so good at excusing him and minimizing what he did. I agree with Faye, the way you see things will change and you will gradually be freed from the grip of the trauma.

I admire your dedication to therapy, it will help my resolve when the going gets tough.