Can Trauma Be Complicated By Home Situation

[seedling]

Your dad was also responsible for breaking your arm - period, no equivocations. He was also responsible for the fall down the stairs and it also may be that he is responsible for provoking you into acting out.

Take care of yourself since you are starting to relive this stuff in your dreams. It's good you have been able to post here. If you find that at some point it's enough and you need a break, the forum will be here when you are ready to go at it some more.

Meanwhile, I'm glad you talked to your sister - it may not have seemed like the full conversation you had in your head, but it's harder in reality. You did great.

 

[redfox]

Yes that is true he did break my arm and he did push me when I was standing near the stairs causing me to fall. I guess those are the facts really and what his intentions were don't change those. I don't know if that changes anything though. I mean intentions are important. If you just hear "my father broke my arm" it sounds worse than "my father broke my arm because I purposely destroyed things that were very important to him."

 

[The Albatross]

I get that. I think for myself it still skews who is the parent, and who the understanding "rational" person is... but that is pretty equivalent to the way I navigated my relationship with my own father. I just wasn't ready.

 

[The Albatross]

I fully was willing to bear the brunt of what I did to retaliate.

 

[seedling]

No it doesn't. (sound worse) (Sorry, not meaning to be snide or anything, just my own gut reaction :)).

Redfox, your second way of saying it, to me, is more alarming because it suggests the greater turmoil under both your actions - turmoil that he was responsible for provoking. Sorry to keep pushing you on this point - you keep making it all your fault somehow. Something I think I am good at doing with my trauma, maybe that's why it stands out to me.

Why not look at it as his fault that you broke his things - he probably did something that pissed you off before you did that. Why isn't that the perspective on the whole thing? Not saying you shouldn't take personal responsibility for your part in things, just trying to turn it around to suggest another way of looking at it.

How old were you when your arm was broken (if it's OK to ask)? I don't think you said but I'm somehow thinking it was before the trauma where your family member died?

If you get sick of my interference, just let me know!

 

[seedling]

I'm looking at your experiences (you too, Albatross) and remembering my own father. He was a great dad and I miss him now that he is gone.

He wasn't perfect but he cared and was capable of showing it and acting it out. He talked to us and got to know us, he enjoyed us as kids and was friends with us as adults. So, that is my internal idea of what a father can be like, what I think everyone deserves.

 

[The Albatross]

Oh ho ho... tough. Early my dad was a young and vibrant father. I know my dad cared, but he was never consistent about showing it, nor capable he was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and suicidal in his mid 50's. My father tried his best, when I was an adult and independent of his relationship with my own mother, to be a reassuring and "safe" parent. It wasn't entirely successful, but I understood what he was really making an effort to achieve and I know it was very hard for him personally.

I was petrified of my own internal idea of a father, and had to work my *ss off to find and grasp the concept of someone who was not like my own personal experience of what a "father" was. My father was not a friend, he could still be pretty cruel to me as an adult. BUT. (Big but) I knew that he was honest. As honest as he could be, and that his intention was not to hurt, but to educate or straighten out where he thought I was making mistakes. He did the best he could. I am a mixed bag of blessings and cusswords under his care. But... I do not question, that when not enraged on own and unable to detach... he loved me and provided for me as best as he could. He tough knuckled and loved me through what he perceived the worst life had to offer was. I didn't crack. King of blunt was my father... I wish I had him still... even if it hurt sometimes. No one is willing to be as candid and direct. I appreciate that even though I got a lot of hell.

 

[redfox]

It was actually 2 years after the trauma that he broke my arm, I was 12. So not a little kid... I knew better. I was very angry then and I could not control myself. I don't even remember what specifically made me break his things. I just remember doing it, and the aftermath. I was very angry at him for something but it must not have been a big deal if I can't remember it now. I do think my father did some good things for me such as teaching me to be tough and self reliant (though I am not sure how much I am either of those things anymore...)

 

[redfox]

Thinking about it more I think it must have had to do with my sister. I don't want to go into the details here because it's her personal business but that was around the time they were talking about sending her away and I was upset about that.. so that might be why. But that was so long ago I'm not sure.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's not the 'reason' that mattered redfox, his response and behaviour was wrong.

 

[redfox]

Well I have been thinking a lot about this over the weekend. I have been thinking about what life was like for me back then and trying to figure out the answers to some things that maybe don't have an answer. What I do know though is that the things my father did made me feel really bad and made me confused and angry and I guess that is where I was coming from on some of my behavior problems, not that I was not responsible for them but I can see how it made me more likely to be that way. But then it beomes this cycle where my dad was punishing me for acting up and I was acting up because of how he punished me and it's like a chicken and the egg thing so it comes out being meaningless. But I guess what I am trying to say is I realize I did not have a very secure or happy childhood and on some level that is the fault of my father...

 

[Heather]

That is a lightbulb moment for you redfox. Proud of you:tup:. You are putting the blame where it belongs with HIM!

But I don't agree with you about the chicken and the egg scenario. If it's a chicken and a egg thing your dad is both.