can we really live in the same house and live apart?

[enough]

has anyone been able to avoid divorce by just living seperately in the same home?
i have no problem with being platonic and faithful to my vowes, I have so many hobbies and interests and projects that being free of my responsibility (Felt by me) to be a part of her life will allow me to do more of what i enjoy.
And not caring that she lies about anything that will make the next ten minutes of her life easier will reduce my stress levels greatly.
I have nursed her through 4 hip replacements and the infection that caused the extra two surgeries. I have put my life on hold for the last 10 years to try to help her through so many struggles, but i cannot stand the lies and disrespect and lack of gratitude for all of it.
I am being told I have to get my life back and if she isnt going to be a part of it thats her loss. She can sit and color in her adult coloring books, smoking her cigarettes and feeling sorry for herself. I am planning fishing trips and travel and a life free of the frustration of caring for her.
Or, I can just flat disappear.
there can be mo more love for her, I cannot forgive the sum total of lies I have been told, marriage counseling only works if both parties want to try and i am past thinking I could ever forgive enough of it to continue caring.
I have to end the life i thought i wanted and fine one that wont make me hate myself for tolerating it.
Does anyone here have any experience with making someting similar work?

 

[enough]

I had moments of hope the first week, we were asked what was the biggest problem we faced and instead of me saying she lies, she said it. And instead of her saying he gets angry, I said it.
The second session wasnt as hopeful. we were asked for examples of the lies and the anger and it turned into an argument right then and there. The lie wasnt in question, and the motivation for it was clear and openly discussed. But I am and always will be angry when lied to and when the following conversation/argument/raging battle serves only to convince me that the liar is more likely to lie again rather than less likely, it doesnt go away. Repeat the cycle and my anger is like a book opening to the same page you left it at, over and over and over.
So, maybe I am back to manufacturing apathy, or maybe this counselor can make her understand that lies get discovered and in this marriage it just isnt worth the ten minutes of avoiding the truth gained, it costs both of us a relationship that would have rewards for both of us, and it may already be too late to ever have it.

I hear words but my brain hears lies, my heart wants to believe again, but my hypervigilance says no you f*cking dont.

There is no doubt, arguing about it just puts her on the side of defending her lies and resenting my anger, so why even try? If the best thing to do when i am angry is to disappear for awhile, why not just take a pleasant day and keep it that way by disappearing for awhile?

Went to see a ball game alone last sunday night, my personal t was so excited. Going again. Maybe at a major league stadium on a weekend trip soon, maybe camping, maybe getting back to a weekly fishing trip or a road trip to yelliwstone or glacier, so many things i want to do. Didnt want to be doing them alone, but thats what i have been dealt and it is better than being lied to. Or angry about a lie. By FAR.

 

[Friday]

There is no doubt, arguing about it just puts her on the side of defending her lies and resenting my anger, so why even try?

Good the fight happened with the counselor.

If they can teach her to even say “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” And have you hear “I’m tempted to lie, so am waiting until I can be honest.” As long as the next thing ISNT a lie, or a never-gonna-talk about it? Well. That would be the next thing to work on.

 

[Ecdysis]

I learned about "negative interaction cycles" yesterday... a huuuugely enlightening insight to couples dynamics for me... It's going to take me quite a long time to process this, I think. It's about repetitive patterns in a couple's communication. You may find the following links helpful as I'm at a loss to put it into words better than these experts can:

Negative Cycle? Let's Do Something Different! — Cycles Couples Counseling

Do you find yourself in repetitive arguments with your partner? If so, you could be stuck in a negative cycle. Let's do something different!

cyclescouplescounseling.com

Understanding Your Negative Pattern: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy? | Austin Relational Wellness

There are many reasons couples seek couples therapy . There may have been a shared loss, an increase in life stressors like welcoming a new baby, a betrayal, an increase in conflict, or overall disconnection with one another. There are a variety of reasons people find themselves in my couples ther

www.austinrelationalwellness.com

Oh, and I've tried cohabiting with an ex-partner, but after several years of attempting it, it failed. And it's left my health at an all time low because of the strain.

Like you, I was living on a rural property and trying to save the property.

My personal take on it would be: it can only work if you physically divide the house into two self-sufficient apartments with each person having their own fully-functional space with separate entrances and no co-habiting spaces.

 

[scout86]

Good the fight happened with the counselor.

Yeah, maybe it will give them some ideas of how to help sort things out. It seems like if she lies to avoid an argument but ends up with an argument about lying, it would be better to just have the original argument.....

I'm glad you're doing some of the things you want to do. Granted, it's more fun if there's someone to share experiences with, but going alone is better than nothing & maybe going alone won't be forever.

 

[Tinyflame]

Totally agree with @Friday 's post @enough:

Good the fight happened with the counselor.

I would say it doesn't seem so but it's probably the absolute best thing that could have happened. Usually people learn skills and it often fails 'in the field'. This allows the T to see exactly both of your actions/ reactions (which neither of you at that moment can likely be impartial to). And see what you mean in action. I guess it's like the Dr can't heal the wound you won't show them? (And like ptsd the longer it festered the nastier and more complicated it may be.) It didn't get to this point overnight so new ways can't be learned overnight, either. You are beginning at the beginning, that's a lot to unravel. Take heart, stay calm, and try to be patient as possible (and be kind, especially also to yourself and the situation). We're pulling for you on this end.

 

[enough]

We're pulling for you on this end.

thanks, but hey, don't get emotionally involved on my account. I already feel like I need to get this all resolved and better for enough onlookers, it just makes falling asleep harder if I add people that have been helpful and encouraging to the already huge list of family and friends. I need to make this better for the 18 year old granddaughter that is only 6 and a half now. I need to make this better for her 5 younger cousins.
Hell, the only thing I can do to make this better all on my own is to become numb to it all and keep bouncing back up after each and every time I get knocked down and I wouldn't put much hope in that lasting very long.
I keep remembering some very good advice:
The only sure way to win a tug of war is to be somewhere else when the teams are chosen, don't ever pick up the rope. Find a shady spot, with cool drinks.

Survival through apathy is my new mantra.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's a heavy burden to bear @enough. All relationships are two. maybe time to put the burden down and not try to fix it atm.

My biggest hope is you will be happy. No expectation but gift.

A shady spot with cool drinks sounds lovely!

 

[enough]

A shady spot with cool drinks sounds lovely!

I like the ones that are brought to you when you are nearing the bottom of the current one the best. I don't care what it is after the first two anyway, it could be anything and it would taste great if it is brought to me as I was nearing the bottom of the current one. Bliss. In the shade. Aaaah, I pick fantasy life over the real world any time it looks like I get to choose.
Sure makes my next ten minutes go a little better he said ironically.

 

[Tinyflame]

@enough the last time I remember bottomless served drinks was about 25+ years ago, we were on foot, drinking pina coladas (easy, lol) , beautiful sunny day, and then just about walked in to traffic. OOPS. Fruit can be bad for your health.