can we really live in the same house and live apart?

enough

MyPTSD Pro
has anyone been able to avoid divorce by just living seperately in the same home?
i have no problem with being platonic and faithful to my vowes, I have so many hobbies and interests and projects that being free of my responsibility (Felt by me) to be a part of her life will allow me to do more of what i enjoy.
And not caring that she lies about anything that will make the next ten minutes of her life easier will reduce my stress levels greatly.
I have nursed her through 4 hip replacements and the infection that caused the extra two surgeries. I have put my life on hold for the last 10 years to try to help her through so many struggles, but i cannot stand the lies and disrespect and lack of gratitude for all of it.
I am being told I have to get my life back and if she isnt going to be a part of it thats her loss. She can sit and color in her adult coloring books, smoking her cigarettes and feeling sorry for herself. I am planning fishing trips and travel and a life free of the frustration of caring for her.
Or, I can just flat disappear.
there can be mo more love for her, I cannot forgive the sum total of lies I have been told, marriage counseling only works if both parties want to try and i am past thinking I could ever forgive enough of it to continue caring.
I have to end the life i thought i wanted and fine one that wont make me hate myself for tolerating it.
Does anyone here have any experience with making someting similar work?
 
Does anyone here have any experience with making someting similar work?
Not me. I'd be surprised if anyone else does either. I guess I can imagine it working in some situations........

It took me the first 11 years of my 12 years marriage to figure out that my ex lied so well that I really couldn't tell one way of the other without independent confirmation of the facts. We tried marriage counseling, sort of. Like you said both people have to be willing to work at it. About the third session he announced that he'd been the way he was his whole life and he was too old to change. (The first session the therapist said there were 3 options. Leave things as they were, change things, or get out.) Since we were down to option #3, I left that session and went to meet with a lawyer. Going through the divorce was hard. Because I didn't want to be accused of "costing him HIS farm" I walked away from a place that was everything I'd ever wanted (and that I'd made the down payment for, and made at least half of the contributions to getting things up & running & keeping them that way). Started over with basically nothing. It was one of the smartest moves I've ever made, even though it was hard. I'm still on good terms with his kids (from his FIRST marriage.) He remarried within a year or so. To someone who is between his 2 daughters in age. His health kind of went downhill & he died a few years ago. Sort of ironically leaving the farm to the young widow who finished the job of running things into the ground that he'd started. I repeat, it was one of the smartest moves I've ever made and there are things I regret but leaving isn't one of them.

I think the problem with making your scenario work is that that's going to require a bit of a joint effort too. You can try to set ground rules and boundaries, but I'd be surprised if she abided by them. You can definitely work on not caring about the lies, but I imagine it's going to be hard. Have you talked to her about this? What was her reaction? Personally, I think the minuses probably out weigh the pluses. I also think you deserve better though, and that she can take care of herself. There was a time when I worried about the ex taking care of himself. Then I realized that his version of doing that was to find someone he could con into doing stuff for him. Hence the new bride. Good luck!
 
@Teasel I have to bear the yoke of being willing to be lied to. I carry it at work because its where the money comes from. I have carried it at home because its how i get through a day. I guess i will carry it going forward because it is how i stay out of a courtroom, how i get to sleep in my home and not a crap hotel or worse.
i want to end this life, not suicide, but not just dropping everything and all I have worked for either. I need to pull out the parts that cause me grief and eliminate them but you can only control what is you, you cant change them. I have to drop pride, I have to drop hope, I have to lose the dream of a partner in this life.
35 years of hard work and sacrifice and she will make it all feel like a waste by telling me a lie to make the next ten minutes of her life easier by avoiding a truth. You afe right, there is no shame.
 
has anyone been able to avoid divorce by just living seperately in the same home?
i have for the past 10 years or so and have known quite a few other folks who have, as well. it allows us to continue pooling resources, keeping tax breaks, etc., while lightening the pretense/manipulation load considerably. most recently, it allowed hubs and i to rescue our 3 grandkids from foster care and make a happy home for them. love for those children is one of the bonds we still share. less functional bonds have been formed. i often wonder if our first parenting career would have gone better if we had dumped the romantic claptrap sooner.

i hold the arrangement as the ultimate endorsement for living and letting live.

for what it's worth
we haven't actually lived together for most of those years. i love road life. home is just a place to land between road trips. well ? ? ? it was before i inherited 3 young orphans at the age of 65. i often miss retirement.
 
My ex wanted to do that—still does—but I can’t. My personality wants all or nothing—the life partner or not.

Yes the idea of going to court and splitting up the equity sucks—it ain’t fun! But it’s just a temporary hardship that opens the door to your freedom. Your life would be different, that’s something to remind yourself. Not necessarily better or worse, but different. Better and worse are relative to moments of experience.

You won’t be living in a hotel, but an apartment may seem like one after living in a house for so long. What if it’s better than you imagine? It’s definitely work. But it’s work with an end in sight, unlike your current relationship situation—no end to that if you keep doing what you’re doing.

No right answers, just what you’re willing to put up with.
 
@OliveJewel
Oh, I can put up with a lot. Now the question is- for how much longer?
One thing I know I can't do is expect a fair liquidation and clean split. The first lawyer she calls would tell her she can get more and they would be right, disabled, diabetic, and a mother of 3 in her sixties? I will be paying support until she dies, and she could probably have this house too. It's paid for, but maintenance is a full-time job, just the yard takes a full day every weekend in the summertime, the farmland is year around. Either I stay and do it or I pay someone else to, that's almost a given.

I know I can keep the interaction to a minimum, and there is almost no dependence on her for anything, we sleep on opposite ends of the house, she has a cousin living here for free that is supposedly here to help her with the things she can't do herself.

The rest is under my control, hope breeds disappointment and trust has left the building so I just need to get used to that and it just might work. It will be easier to make this work than trying for so long to make trust, honesty and partnership work. Now that was a hard pull that went nowhere! This could be an adjustment that sees me getting to travel again and get a life going again. What have I got to lose that isn't already a foregone loss?

And anything less than a home I designed and built myself will feel like a cheap hotel
 
And anything less than a home I designed and built myself will feel like a cheap hotel
Completely understand! I went from a huge house on an acre of forest to a townhouse that was a cook house prior to moving in. Not to scare you (I probably have way less income than you). But I gained something else… which was invaluable. There are different reasons people have to downsize, it’s rarely enjoyable, but often something is gained in the end.

I don’t agree that any lawyer would guarantee her more. Her disability and diabetes have nothing to do with how much she gets, as far as I know. And if she got a lawyer I’d imagine you would too. From the way you describe her it’s hard to imagine her putting much effort into fighting you, she seems pretty tired.

Fortune-telling will just stress you out. One step at a time. The way I started was by googling “divorce in my county”. There was a website out out by the court and they even had lawyers that offered free consultations to help with the process.
 
Hi @enough , this is perhaps totally out of orbit and may not be useful, but I'm going to say it anyway. I can only relate to lies/ mistrust, having to be where and how I don't want to be, and in the past great frustration and hurt. Of course the question, how can I survive or make this work (end, improve, etc.)

You said:
And not caring that she lies about anything that will make the next ten minutes of her life easier will reduce my stress levels greatly.
I have nursed her through 4 hip replacements and the infection that caused the extra two surgeries. I have put my life on hold for the last 10 years to try to help her through so many struggles, but i cannot stand the lies and disrespect and lack of gratitude for all of it.
I will say, people lie for a reason. even reasons never thought of. Sometimes anxiety, sometimes substance abuse, or painkiller addiction, sometimes they don't (or can't) remember, there's even the existence coined now of fight-flight-or fib. The reason, the motivation, is critical to not only how it's viewed but perspective. Chances are what she is driving you to may be part of the very reason she's lying in attempts to prevent it.

Somewhere like me I think you might be hugely triggered by it. And when we are it's a consuming mistrust.

What you have described sounds like you are engaged in life and she is running from it. For example, you just paid off your beautiful home. You are planning retirement. You are excited about projects and hobbies and leisure. To your credit you are even considering your vows.

I would wish, I would ask you, for me, to try an experiment for one month. Even 9 days if one month is too long. To stop yourself when what you hear is thought to be a lie, and in your mind to find a more generous explanation. To put what you need in the positive (eg. I'd love if you'd come outside with me, versus You won't get off your as* and leave the room, etc). Try to be an observer, a thinker, and forget reacting (unless it's directly connected to your safety). And let her make her own decisions. The real key is from your heart, not faking it. Giving yourself distance and autonomy, not isolation.

Trust me. You have nothing to lose to give a short time before a big decision. Literally put the past behind. Find one thing about her to focus on good each day (even if it's just a spot of hair on her head). Share something you thank her for each day (yes I know you're doing everything).

I know this sounds crazy, silly, ridiculous, naive, disrespectful of yourself, that I am not 'getting it'. But I am and I do. Give it a week or two and see what you find. I believe there's more going on here for her and around this situation than may be what's obvious.

Good luck and hang in there. Do things you love and care for yourself. Reduce your stress as you said. Not by avoiding what are her lies, but by adding what is good and saying to yourself, wait: there may be more to be known.
 
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I don’t know your full story, but I wonder why staying in the house is outweighed by potential outcomes of splitting up? You have a large property that you could sell and get half the money and each of you could buy a smaller property. Are your children adults? As that makes it easier too.
it sounds incredibly difficult to remain living with someone like you are, when there are so many other possibilities for calmness in your life.
 
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