Can You Force Yourself To Love Someone....

[J_trustno1]

.....when you are not attracted to them? I mean you are the same emotional level but not physically attracted. You can't see anything beyond good friendship?

I'm not trying to be mean or anything but there is this friend I have and I have known him for over 6 months. He's a good guy and nice person but I don't see anything more than a friendship. That's it. However, when I told him that I can't be more than friends with him he starts getting sad and telling me that "he's ugly, that's why?" A relationship needs to have different elements for it to work. You could be at the same emotional level but what happens if you are not attracted to them? I know a lot of you will say "beauty is skin deep and I'm shallow". I only respect him as a person and as a good friend but can't be more than that and I have told him that. Love is a combination of factors, it just can't be forced. I know the feeling and I just can't force myself to love someone I don't.. it just doesn't work that way :( :cry:

Lastly, I have been sexually assaulted by an ex almost 6 weeks ago and therefore I can't even think about being in another relationship. I need time for myself but I know what I want and this is not the time for a relationship but working on myself. I don't want to make wrong decisions and end up the same again. But I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him and that is it!

 

[Sideways]

Not being physically attracted to someone doesn't mean they're ugly, it just means they don't do it for you on a physical level. Nothing more. Def doesn't mean you're shallow:)

And can you force yourself to be attracted to someone? I doubt it, but I'm confused about the issue...You seem to be pretty clear about not seeing him as more than a friend, not wanting to be more than friends, and being in a really bad space to be starting a relationship. Why try and force a relationship when all the indicators are telling you No?:tdown:

The guy who assaulted you 6 weeks ago did a real number on ignoring your boundaries and repeatedly forcing himself on you to the point where you called the cops...I reckon maybe give yourself a little bit longer to recover from that, yeah?

 

[J_trustno1]

@Ragdoll Circus : Exactly. That's what I'm trying to explain to a friend here and he's kinda guild tripping me to like him. A relationship is a combination of factors, it's not just physical attraction, it has more to it. I like a personality that is bit naughty in humor, someone who can actually tease me, etc and that's what turns me on. I'm not asking for a bully but someone who can just pull my leg and light humor. Having a good friend is more than enough for me but I don't see any relationship with him and that's pretty much it for now.

 

[Riot]

@J_trustno1, I think any reason you don't want to be romantically involved should be respected, you know?

 

[Sideways]

STOP!!!

You don't need to explain or justify your position. No means no. Not Interested means "back the f**k off man".

You can't be guilted into liking this douche. But it is up to you to assert your boundaries. Are you going to let him guilt you into a relationship? Really? When the last manipulative @rse is still 6 weeks fresh??

Sometimes, the most supportive thing a person can do is gently and empathetically remind you that you're recovering from a very recent, and very abusive relationship, and this is really really really not the right time.

Tell this guy to drop it. If he can't (or you aren't ready to enforce your own boundaries), you need to physically remove yourself from this guy's company, yeah?

 

[J_trustno1]

@Riot and @Ragdoll Circus , I think you guys are right. I have told him in a message that I can't force this love thing on me when I don't even see him as a potential mate. If he doesn't respect that then I think I will need to stop talking to him. Being friends doesn't mean I will be in a relationship with him, I just can't and won't. I feel grossed out with the thought of being in a relationship with him, he could be a great guy but that doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship. That is it. Thanks for giving me a clear insight into this.

 

[Ka-9]

.....when you are not attracted to them? I mean you are the same emotional level but not physically...

I think you deserve to worry about yourself right now, and there isn't a bit of selfishness in that

2ndly, you should feel no guilt what so ever. There's near 8 billion people, not everyone will match up unfortunately. As a guy, usually a simple, polite, honest answer is just fine. Guy's who don't get that, are potential problems and should be avoided then.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Ka-9 , that was a really good advice. Thank you, because I have been guilty about how he felt etc but it's not my fault that I have no feelings for him. I have feelings as a human but not as a lover for him. That's all.

 

[Fadeaway]

You do not have to be sexually attracted to someone to love them romantically. I fell in love with my husband without ever seeing his face. I only heard his voice through conversations.
People fall in love all the time without ever finding their partner physically attractive because they find the persons other qualities to be more attractive. those things eventually make us physically attracted to that person.

People often find certain traits attractive that make them view someone as sexually attractive that other people wouldn't see as being sexually attractive.

So now we reach the difficult part of my post. Let's forget about your friend for a moment, others have agreed you can't force it. *deep breath* I am saying this because I consider you a good friend, and friends are honest with each other right? I have been concerned for a while about the type of guys you do say you are attracted to. I could be way off base but there is a real phenomenon where people are attracted to traits that their parents or former abusers have. I think you find the abusive type subconsciously attractive and mistake it for physical attraction. *ducks from flying objects* I think you have a lot of healing you need to do before you get in a relationship.

I would tell your friend that as well. He seems to be a good friend, the attraction just isn't mutual. Put up your boundaries, but I would also spare his feelings by not talking about other guys in front of him.

I hope you aren't angry at me for saying this, but I really do care about you and worry about you.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Fadeaway : You're quite right. I'm not angry at your point of view at all. I have told him politely that I can't think about romantic stuff for now and I'm not in a emotional space to think about all that at all. You're very right that I need to focus on my healing before I think about relationship and that's exactly what I'm doing right now. I am seeing a new counselor and I'll be working through boundaries, assertiveness, and how to be less vulnerable because I have been hurt really badly and i can't think straight.

 

[Sideways]

Thanks to @Fadeaway for having the courage to post that.

I think it rings true for a lot of us that we feel like we're attracted to the same qualities that our abusers showed us. It's a form of attraction that is wrapped in self-destruction. It's what we've always known, and it feels familiar and safe. That doesn't make it good for us. Too often it simply feeds the negative beliefs that our abuse entrenched in us.

I don't know how to get past that and be attracted to men that fulfill us in loving and mutually respectful relationships, other than finding our self-esteem, and coming to know that we deserve better, and that there is something better for us out there.

 

[Lionheart]

to quote a sad, sad song, "I can't make you love me if you don't, you can't make your heart feel something it won't.....but i think physical attraction is only one small part of the equation...for me, that is!

However, it may be an important element in a romantic relationship as an expression of love...so I don't know,,,it is a wise question that you have asked and I hope you find your answer!!!