Can't Be Liked

[desiderata310]

I am going to try to keep this pretty vanilla in the sense of what I am discussing mainly to keep from triggering myself.

I can't be around men once they express any attraction to me. Period.
On the urging of my kids I decided to go out with someone who I had met through cycling. It was pleasant. We met for a beer and just chatted. At the end of the night we went our separate ways but he began texting me fairly often. I was mostly ok with this and it consisted mostly of silly banter that one would exchange with a "workout buddy". Last night he started making overtures that he was attracted to me.

I got a little uneasy but I kept telling myself that he was just being nice and that this was a normal progression of things and that he was (and he really was) just being nice.

This morning while exchanging more workout banter (I haven't actually seen him since Sunday) he made another pass... flirting. I didn't respond and I've been a freaking mess since. I got to work this morning and sat in my office bawling for over half an hour trying to get myself together.

I can't bear the thought of talking to him again. I am sick to my stomach and feel that I need to just hide in a cave for the rest of my life. WHAT THE HELL!!??

I'm trying to work on budget crap and I can't concentrate to save my life because I know that tonight he is going to come back and try to continue the conversation and I can't do it. This was a terrible idea. I can't even consider being around him, let alone having the slightly flirty conversation he's trying to have. I'm getting panicked THINKING about it. I can't do this!!!

 

[scout86]

Then don't do it.

This stuff is supposed to be "fun". (I guess?) If it's not, don't do it. You don't owe it to him and you don't owe him much of an explanation. A nice, "thanks, but I'm not really up for a relationship" ought to work. (You'd better get advice from people who actually ARE good at this kind of thing on how to word it!)

All I'm saying is, if it's that stressful, you don't seem to be ready for such things just yet and you don't HAVE to proceed. Find a nice way to brush him off. ASAP. And good for you for giving it a try! Do that again sometime too.

BTW, I went through something a little like this last winter. (He, maybe, wasn't such a nice guy, he may have been more of a user. I'm not sure & didn't take the time to find out.) When I kicked him out of my life, it was kind of empowering. Really! I'd never considered that "No!" was an actual option. Felt kind of good! He managed to do something that fed into old history & made me mad, so I didn't actually have to think about it. You get extra credit for thinking about it, in my book.

 

[Friday]

Ditto Scout.

You can firmly place this guy in the friend-zone, and that's 100% okay.

I'm a 0-60 kind of chick. I've never had any problem "just being friends" with people after I've slept with them. Heck. Ive even slept with people I have no interest in just so they could be friends (like we had to check this thing off the list, and then I could be chill and totally relaxed in my boundaries). But this whole not going there in the first place, while single/not married, has been a whole new adventure in uncomfortable WTF am I doing? In theory, it's normal. It's what most people do. They like someone, but aren't ready for or plain and simple just don't want to be in a romantic relationship... So they don't. Even if they're wildly attracted to someone. They draw a boundary, and each of the two people involved is fine with it. Or even if not fine, and would really like something more, chooses to respect it. There may be some dancing up to the boundary by one or both for a little while. But there's not of this "I am obligated to do this, in order to have that".

Ironically one of the only things I dislike abou being divorced is not having a ring on my finger. Not having the automatic out, so that I can be friends, without needing to lay a boundary. The boundary is inherant. It's basic. It's a rock solid out. "I like you because you're awesome, not because I want in your pants." Dude. Married. Don't be a douche. Now, coffee on Tues?

I'm having to relearn how to have that level of comfort just being friends, without the automatic out.

 

[desiderata310]

I guess the big thing I am trying to figure out is WHY I can't. This person presents ZERO threat to me- especially via text but I'm sitting here getting panicky thinking about it again.
I actually have pictured him at this point standing over me about to do me harm. There's NO reason for me to assume that we would even ever hold hands.

I'm not even especially all that concerned about the idea of dating again but the fact that it is so completely off plate for me is disturbing.

 

[scout86]

Just because it's off the plate now doesn't mean it always will be.

As for the "Why?" well, you have PTSD, for a start, right? And, I don't know (or remember?) your story, but I'm guessing somewhere in your past are "relationship issues"? Might those things have something to do with "Why?"? The eye Dr wasn't really intent on hurting me last Fri either, but you wouldn't have known that if you'd just been watching my reactions. I think this is probably just "another one of those things".

Another option, I guess, is explaining your situation to him so he has an idea why a text message might lead to a panic attack. You CAN learn a lot about someone by watching how they handle not totally getting their way.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Be firm and tell him that you enjoyed your time together, but at this point you are not ready for anything serious past friendship. Its OK to not want to be involved with anyone right now. And based on your recent posts, I'd say its a bit too soon to be thinking about a relationship anyway. I urge you to keep working on your healing and at some point you'll be comfortable enough to get back out there and start dating. I wish you the best.

 

[scot]

When I was reading this, my heart first started pounding like nuts,.... then I had to smile somehow. This could have been from me. I actually ended up asking a friend to help me chasing a man to the moon no matter what because I was such a mess that I couldn't do it on my own without going completely nuts, wasn't funny at all. Strangely enough, it turned out that that man actually didn't like taking a no for an answer and it was good that I had support because that was quite a struggle. Though, I only figured that out after mentally beating myself up really badly about how evil and unreasonable I am, thinking so badly about man right away for no good reason.

I actually follow scout86s suggestion now and "test" men by telling them straight forward please not to take this personally, but I have trouble with XXX and need XXX. I don't know if that also works for you, but me, there is an amazing side effect. I found out that I actually (only) feel comfortable around men after they passed that test and prooved themselves harmless by actively showing me that they respect my needs, have no trouble taking a no for an answer, are perfectly happy with backing off when I need that, and give me room to breath. Maybe that isn't even in any way surprising..? Sometimes I have that wage feeling that this "slightly" strange acting nervous system is actually doing nothing else than working very hard on protecting me in a somewhat quite unconventional way?

 

[Go Hungry]

Good thread. Actually I have the exact opposite problem right now, but the reminder on just relaxing and telling the truth, in representing yourself honestly... That's good stuff. Thanks. :)

Oh yeah, and @desiderata310. Just be honest with the guy. Tell him you aren't up for a relationship right now. It's the best thing for both you and him.

 

[desiderata310]

It's true. I don't really even WANT one. I'm so damn tired of doing EVERYTHING alone. I've been here almost a year. I don't have 'friends' at work because I'm the boss, I've tried reaching out and getting involved in riding and running groups, those have been complete failures because no one is interested in socializing after and during we are all too spread out to have conversation(not to mention sucking air).
I used to volunteer at the homeless shelter back home but things here are so impersonal it's hard to get involved here.
I don't do the bar scene for obvious reasons (and I can't stand restaurants) This was just another avenue to try to get into my community.
Wah f*cking wah.
Sorry
I'm so damn untrusting of everyone I can't let anyone get close anyway.