Can't Connect

[Jay]

I am dating one of the girls I mentioned in another thread and I truly enjoy being with her. However, I am having difficulty...well...I know this is gonna sound weird...I have difficulty having an Orgasm during intercourse. It gets to the point where I am exhausted and she is exhausted and still I have yet to orgasm. The past few times I have simply given up and I must say that it is frustrating. It seems like there is some mental block keeping me from doing it, like it is somehow wrong. The first couple of times I faked it, but I came clean with her tonight. She is understanding but worried about me.

I'm not exactly sure what to do, because I have no trouble Orgasming through self-stimulation. So confusing...

 

[Kairos]

One thing that helped me was to put my intimacy into a completely different setting to my abuse...I had similar worries/thoughts to you Jay when relating sexually to women....it's different when I am with a man....I just get terrified...but fearing being an abuser was worse...one thing that really helped was to imagine I was giving her spirtual healing when I made love to her.

I would visualise a gentle pink light and feel all the thoughts I could find about wishing her well and wanting gee to heal from her emotional traumas...or we would make love in a forest or after spending hours just painting healing symbols on each other.

This was an amazing way forward for me in making sexual intimacy clearly and distinctly good and different from child abuse!

 

[Jay]

Hi,

Thanks adjuva for the advice. I tried my best, and though I have no problem getting my girlfriend to orgasm, I am still at a loss. It's not like I'm not into it, or that my mind's on something else, but because I just...I have no idea. I might bring it up with T later on, if I'm comfortable to do so. I do things on my own after sex with my girlfriend and this concerns me, because doing it on my own seems like the only way I can orgasm.

I don't understand it. It's like sex is good and all that, but I just can't bring myself to climax with another person. It feels as though I am an outsider and that intimacy is both confusing and strange. Ugh...it's frustrating and scary. I'm not sure how to tell my girlfriend that sex is just...foreign...when it happens to me, because I have avoided it for at least two thirds of my adult life. (Especially after the rape) I'm at a loss as to what to do...

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Jay,

I entirely understand the frustrations of sex and intimacy, and it just 'not working'. The problem is the more you worry the worse it gets and is such a vicious circle. For me I had to take a big step back for a while and just ask for kisses and cuddles but a promise that it would not progress. I guess I just had to take the pressure off. Pressure that I was putting on myself.

Things are getting better for me, but it is really slow progress. I get frustrated with myself and feel that I am letting my husband down. One day things will be so good that I think I am 'cured' and then the next time it all comes crashing down and I freeze again. But all in all it is still progress.

For you I also see progress. Read back through this thread from the beginning and you will see just how far you have come. You are doing great. Be proud of yourself and accept that there will be bumps along the way, but you are moving forward.

Lucy x