Can't Connect

[spc_ralph]

I'm at drill right now, and I've seen a couple of guys I deployed with, guys that I got along with great, and loved being around over there. But now, I just feel awkward being around them. They talk about whats going on in their lives, and it makes me realize that they have moved on. I can't connect with them anymore. I feel alone when talking to them, because they got all these things going for them, and I'm still basically where I was 7 years ago when I got home (minus the drinking now). I can't talk to them about this shit, because I feel like such a shitbag, they moved on and are doing great, why can't I? I'm being med boarded for PTSD (waiting on the USAPDA for those who have been through it), and I feel like......like a shitbag soldier. Like one of those MFs who wouldn't get off their ass to do anything, and made more work for everyone else. The irony is, I used to love coming to drill after getting back, in part because when I was here, I was surrounded by friendlies. So almost all my PTSD symptoms would go away for a couple of days. I could actually enjoy myself. Now, thanks in part to this med board shit, I feel like I'm not a soldier anymore. And a big part of that is my profile. See, because of my PTSD, I'm not allowed to touch a weapon anymore. So one of the things I loved about being in the NG (rifle qualification), I'm not allowed to do anymore. I just want the med board shit to hurry up, so I can get out and at least get this stress out of my life. I'm glad I found this site, I feel safe sharing this kind of shit here.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Hey Ralph welcome man.
Yea I recall the process of me having to turn in my weapons.
It was especially difficult knowing how much of an expert I was using them.
Towards the end even in that bullshit I was going through I excelled.

There is a time where it feels naked with out a weapon, etc.
Lots of things out there, and only we really focus on that aspect.
Most people simply block it out or just don't realize it.
They haven't come close to it yet.

At that time I was hitting the booze hard and on my way out the door.
Facebook was drunken rants etc... was a mess. Just mostly venting on there
about the bullshit I was going through. Now I use the angry thread :D
Anyway Ralph welcome again to the forum.

Black.

 

[spc_ralph]

Wow, ain't this some shit. According to the Army's new GAT 2.0, my "real age" is 85 years old. Apparently, because I like my steaks and burgers, smoke like a chimney, and don't walk around with a stupid grin on my face all the time, I'm "old". Ain't that a kick in the groin. Oh well, the VA will be happy to hear this, they'll think I'm gonna be dead in a few years, and they won't have to pay me anymore. Too bad for them, I'm gonna live another 50 years, just to piss the f%ckers off:ROFLMAO::sneaky:

 

[Friday]

Handing in my kit was one of the hardest things I ever did.

I've honestly had a real hard time "owning" stuff since then. Granted, the next few years of up & leaving wherever I was at with whatever I had on me at the time didn't help, for sure. There some things that help, and some things that make shit worse, and that's one of the ones that makes things worse.

Connecting is hard. Most of the time I don't bother trying, anymore, and that's shame on me. Too convinced I'll f*ck things up, or f*ck them up. I'm constantly amazed by the people who see past my bullshit and put up with my shit. Hell. I don't wanna put up with my shit, so why should they? Not a great attitude to take.

I was looking for a f*cking awesome quote the other day and finally found it:

"Depression and trauma are disconnective disorders. They do not improve in isolation. To fix them you have to be connected to others."

It makes sense to be distancing yourself from people you're leaving. It hurts less. But keep trying, man. Alone feels safe, and isn't.

 

[spc_ralph]

its kinda embarrassing though. i feel like they don't have the same problems i do, and yet we all saw the same shit. why am i so f%cked up in the head and not them. i remember when i got back from iraq, we all had to talk to a VA rep as part of the demob, and the rep asked me 2 questions. first, was i having nightmares, and i said no, cuz at the time i wasn't yet. then he asked if i was lying, and again, nope. he said to me "son, you're lying to me and to yourself, you have PTSD." i told my squad leader about that, and him and i laughed it off, my squad leader thought i was tough, and wouldn't suffer from PTSD. i haven't physically run away, but there are days i wish i could. but i would feel too guilty leaving my dog and cat. ugh, i just feel like i'm alone, my wife doesn't understand, my parents don't, and my best friend, we hardly talk anymore. god, now i feel like i am a weakling.

 

[Grizzly]

Everything your saying goes hand in hand with the beast Brother. I think anyone here will agree.

The beast isn't some stigma glorified by a Hollywood movie. Its a thing. It sucks. And takes a lot of work to achnowledge and also a lot of work to learn to deal with it.

Thinking you are weak is part of the low self esteem that the beast wants. Just like anxiety etc.

Then there is the denial. "That will never happen to me!" Yeah...right. Been there.

Friends and family...I got nothing. Still trying to figure it out. Even after 25 years. Like my post in my other thread. Only my grandma recognized this a long time ago.

Only profound advice I have...go to therapy. Ask questions. Read about the beast. Ask questions. Keep an open mind. And ask questions.

There is an immense amount if wisdom from all over the place.

 

[BryanKTE]

No disrespect intended here but there are some vets here that have been suffering longer than I've been alive. Is this it for us? I don't ever see a payoff from the endless counseling/meds. Does anyone else? really? There is no dulling, instead it spreads, takes everything good and leaves the shit behind. Lucky brothers that got to give their life. Seems like the whole world went bad right after. Like they left right on time .

 

[Grizzly]

No disrespect intended here but there are some vets here that have been suffering longer than I've been alive. Is this it for us? I don't ever see a payoff from the endless counseling/meds. Does anyone else? really? There is no dulling, instead it spreads, takes everything good and leaves the shit behind. Lucky brothers that got to give their life. Seems like the whole world went bad right after. Like they left right on time .

I really can't answer that. I can only hope that I'll learn how to be better to myself and my family. I know I have been a turd for a long time. I never had to deal with the unfortunate death of a friend. Not in combat anyway. Ask yourself this. Would your Brothers want you too to feel this way about you if the role was reversed? Doubtful. They would expect you to live life.

Is it it? I can't answer in all honesty. One day it feels like it is and one day it doesn't. I have better coping tools now than I did a year ago though. Counseling...it seems I have some good ones. All I can say.

 

[Friday]

its kinda embarrassing though. i feel like they don't have the same problems i do, and yet we all saw the same shit. why am i so f%cked up in the head and not them.

A lot of them do. Statistically, probably about 1/3. But my personal bet is higher.

I hid my shit for years. Which was luck more than anything (I tended to have my biggest meltdowns in private, or around folks who had their own demons come calling from time to time who hid that shit for me), and I still ended up getting diagnosed while active duty (they just didn't care about it back then). In & outta the brig & restriction barracks one too many times. At one point in my life "everyone" I knew / everyone I served with had been diagnosed with it at some point or other. It didn't affect your op status, so no worries, what the f*ck ever, collect your pills, round file them, and get to work... Just don't get caught being stupid. Avoid, distance, isolate, distract, drown it out. f*ck it, fight it, faster, and oblivion. Christ that sounds so tempting right now. But I'm kind of a mess at present. And those are easy fixes. It's a helluva a lot harder not to run from this shit.

A lot of the people deliberately avoiding you? That you think have seen and done the same shit and aren't touched by it? Are deep in it. And trying like hell not to get caught out. You're facing this shit, and they aren't, which (from the cowardly side of the street / running from the beast)... Trust me... Feels like you're wearing a neon sign when you're around people being honest. Exposed. Exposed. Exposed. Ugh.

 

[Friday]

No disrespect intended here but there are some vets here that have been suffering longer than I've been alive. Is this it for us? I don't ever see a payoff from the endless counseling/meds. Does anyone else? really? There is no dulling, instead it spreads, takes everything good and leaves the shit behind. Lucky brothers that got to give their life. Seems like the whole world went bad right after. Like they left right on time .

Yeah, man. It gets better. I don't actually believe that right this moment, cause I'm all in the badlands and there is only now-now-now & then-then-then, here. Past and present all mixed up, instead of present gliding into future. Everything is all f*cked sideways. But I also had about 10 years in between badlands where I got rid of all the shit I hated about this nonsense and put the other 8% to f*cking work for me. I can remember that in my better moments. 10 f*cking years. That's almost 1/3 of my life. So I might not believe things are going to get better, but I remember that things were better. I try and hold onto that. What if I had the next 10 years sane again? Would this shit be worth it? f*ck. Yes. All this pain and awfulness in trade for 10 years? Done. Hell if someone even laid that bare for me: will you take 10 good for 2-5 bad? On it like white on rice. Lol. I just forget I'm not as tuff as I think I am when things are going good. It's f*cking hard to man up, and grit it out when things hurt.

 

[Grizzly]

Friday makes good points in running. I did that for a long time. Remember the denial thing? Thats been me for over 20. Run mother effer run. The beast catches you eventually I guess. But it does get easier.

 

[atilla]

Friday makes good points in running. I did that for a long time. Remember the denial thing? Thats been me for over 20. Run mother effer run. The beast catches you eventually I guess. But it does get easier.

Been dealing with the beast, like Grizz, for 20+ years. Yes, it does get easier to deal with it. But, like anything you have to work hard at it. Some days are fine and some days are hell. I may go a month or two without the beast showing up. The nightmares have gotten less frequent, and the anxiety also. It's not going to go away completely, but with therapy, and the other tools available it can be managed. Don't get me wrong this past week i almost made a trip to the psych ward, I got through it.