We understand that brother but it don't mean shit, everyone is different. You have a combat wound. It doesn't mean you were weaker. It doesn't mean you had the same experience. You have a different life and the part before combat likely made you more reactive to combat stress. The sooner you stop beating yourself up and accept it, the sooner you can start to make some progress. You are not flawed. You are not a bad person. Start going after this stuff hard and you'll find other things to focus on. Distraction & coping skills! Having PTSD has nothing to do with weak vs. tough. Some of the most decorated warriors have this beast.
Finally, forget expecting your family or friends that don't also have to beast. They have no clue how to respond to you or understand. I tried. Any expectation you make is gonna set you up for more disappointment and anger. You will likely find one eventually that has a partial clue on how to offer some support. But expect nothing and then you will not be upset anymore. They have their own problems. They aren't gonna understand anyway. They only need to know you have a permanent combat wound and see you trying to deal with it everyday. Some would be more than happy for you to give them a reason to run away. So, don't feed their fear or negative expectations. I'm not saying to try and be the person they want, they person you were before, that is ridiculous.
Just be the person you are and realize that doesn't mean you have to be a prick. Maybe be reserved and cautious for awhile until you get a better handle on things. And when you do that you will know which people to keep away from because they really are too selfish anyway to be there for you in any manner later. Focus on your wife, that is the best way for you to learn how to deal with someone that doesn't have the combat wound you have and will never understand what you have to live with every day. The closer you are to someone the more of your best and worst they get. Head-up brother.
I get it man but I bet those brothers would rather be here now. Turn that over and look what they gave up so you could share their story, honor and respect their sacrifice. Yes this is it for us and it will be with us our whole lives. Just like if you had lost both legs or inhaled something toxic that meant you would be hooked up to some breathing machine or heart machine forever.
The real question for us is what are we gonna do about it? This is not to belittle the pain and hopelessness you feel right now. You have a fair question and right to feel that way. I understand, we have all been there and many still are. And we will be there again, guaranteed. The thing you have to figure out is how to live with it and how much time you are gonna focus on the worst stuff and start finding what is good. I can write this now because I have fought and scratched my way up and I was fortunate at times as well. I am not in the shitter right now so I can reflect on that hell hole I was in.
But I know how to get there fast, like a beast suicide: let myself self medicate as much as I want, tell everyone to f*ck off, stop sleeping, go driving in rush hour traffic, get in fights with everyone, try to be the biggest asshole I can and turn on the news to watch a bunch of talking heads and politicians lie endlessly about how screwed up living in this world is.
It took me 6 years to figure out that I had a big problem and acknowledge it was a combat wound. It took me a few more years to dig out of the hell hole it put me in and understand it was permanent. And then it took a few more to learn how to live with it. Now I can focus on more things because I've learned to live with it: when to distract, what to avoid, which coping skill to use, what to expect from others and what to not expect. And I try to keep myself from getting upset when I can't do it. Is it easy? Hell no! And I have no delusion it ever will be easy. I know it can reach up and knock me down hard at any time if I leave my flank exposed too often or too much. But I know I can live with it and I know I can get up and dust myself off when it knocks me down. Best thing, I know that I'll have actually have some good days, under the new rules of course. I know how to ration my coping and save myself for when it really matters, like when my kids need me to be fully there for them at a big event or moment when they need me to be strong and teach them. That is what I save myself for. To limit their exposure to secondary PTSD.
This why we talk about baby steps, it is a long, long journey that will never end. You just need to find the route out of the trash dump and start working your way up to where the air is clean, look for the palm trees and start toward the beach. If you find a group of battle brothers & sisters than it is probably a good spot to kick back for awhile. Once you make that journey than you will understand what I am trying to explain. Then it is safer to look back at the shit you started with. But you gotta start. Step on up, my hand is out for you brother...
Peace
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