Can't Feel...

[Haley13]

Something I've noticed lately is that whenever a really emotional situation occurs I can't seem to muster feelings. I can feel anger, but for example When my grandmother died I didn't cry. I didn't feel much at all. I was numb. I choked up a little when I read her Eulogy but that was it. Just recently my cat got out and was gone for over 24 hours. Now this cat (Lola) has been my world since and before the my sexual assault and was there through my horrible marriage. So when she went missing you'd assume I would be devastated... and deep down I knew I was, but for some reason I couldn't feel sad. I began to formulate anger and blame to displace what I couldn't feel. I stress ate and consciously so. I forced myself to cry because I knew I should. This whole situation makes me feel like I'm broken, like something is seriously wrong inside me which I know to not be true. I am aware of my PTSD and the problems it causes, but still these doubts swirl around, and I don't know how to handle it. I try to talk to my friends and work through the problem but some get frustrated and tell me to go get help or go get on medications. (which I am in the process of doing but the VA takes their darn time with things and I've been waiting since January to get an appointment to see a therapist. it's almost may now). Just looking for some people who may be experiencing the same thing because my friends obviously don't understand.

 

[franciemarnie]

If you are like me, the feelings will come when it's safe. My beloved grandmother died when I was 21. It hit me full force like it just happened when I was 48. I cried and cried and thought my heart would break. A friend died when I was 42. It hit me when I was 56. Same unbelievable fresh grief. It will come. You can't force it.

If I had gotten the right kind of help younger, it might not have taken decades for the feelings to kick in. I don't know.

I attribute it to the paradigm of processing extreme emotion that trauma changed. It would skip me right into non-feeling dissociative mode when big mad or sad feelings would've been appropriate.

 

[arfie]

When I was experiencing this, my emotions were erupting at inappropriate moments when my guard was down. "Irrational responses" was the label I finally accepted when I was ready to start working on it. I still have a hard time with synchronizing my emotions with the corresponding events, but at least I am no longer projecting them randomly. Progress over perfection.

But that is me... Supportive hopes while you sort through yours, Haley.

 

[Haley13]

Thank you. It helps to know I'm not the only one. I find myself waiting for the emotions to come with an event like that, and when they don't I start to force myself to project the emotions so other people don't think I'm heartless or don't care. Like I'll force myself to cry and if I can't I'll just get angry and be irrational.

 

[arfie]

You are nowhere near the only one, Haley. Awareness is an all-important first step. Be gentle and loving with yourself and give yourself time to digest. Small bytes and long chews.

Healing happens. Hope it happens to you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sounds like you're a bit numb. Try finding one of those charts of emotions and use It to help identify how you really feel or even how you think you might feel. They gave these to us while in the trauma hospital and they really helped.

 

[Notsowild]

I am the same way. My T even commented on it. I am emotionally numb and rarely cry. Part of it for me is I dissociate a lot so it holds your emotions in. We've been working on it in therapy. In the last few weeks I've cried more than I ever have.

 

[Phantom23]

I have been dealing with the same stuff. I have a past full of emotional pain and lately when a situation that should bring me to feel something comes up I just don't feel anything at all. I have been married for a year and a half and whenever my wife gets upset or cries or gets mad I just feel numb. Today I talked to her about it and tried to explain to her what I was feeling and she got mad at me and asked me why I even married her if I couldn't feel anything towards her. I thought that my wife would be there to help me but how do I get her to understand?