Can't Find A Solution Or Even Keep Track Anymore... (rant?)

[.45 Princess]

Due to the possibility that I might have f'ed up my relationship with my amazing for good, I've been flip flopping emotions constantly for the past week.

I've gone from sad to anxious to frustrated/angry to "okay" to sobbing my eyes out.. etc.
Usually around every few/several hours to a day. Today it felt like I went through at least three of them within an hour.
(The "okay" feelings weren't really "good", more like apathetic and disconnected)

I frequently think about the "inner peace" feeling I had right after I was recovering from a neurological condition last year.
Being sick was my "rock bottom", because it affected me physically and mentally. After a few months in recovery, I decided to look at it as a silver lining. Since I had memory loss due to the condition, I either forgot about certain painful events or the painful emotions from them that I couldn't let go of before.

Now all my emotions are back along with my old PTSD symptoms. I can't even "get back up" because there always seems to be something else added to knock me off again..

I'm hurting my family, friends, and pushed my loving boyfriend away.
Days like this, I only live out of guilt/obligation, but it feels like f'cking torture..

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Do you belong to a church? If so, maybe this would be a good time to have a good talk with your pastor or priest. They are good at comforting us and also giving good advice. Maybe your pastor or priest can even speak to your loved one on your behalf, or arrange a meeting between the two of you.

 

[.45 Princess]

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Do you belong to a church? If so, maybe this would be a...

Thank you for your response.
I'm actually a pastors kid believe it or not lol. Both parents are pastors...
Everyone in my family goes to church except me.
I'm not against religion or anything, just not in a place emotionally to go to church regularly, etc.
Thankfully my parents have been understanding and don't force it on me.