Can't get motivated or feel much, healing feels unnecessary

[Strangelongtrip]

Recently I've been doing much better, so I feel like I shouldn't really reach out for help. I've stopped really doing anything in therapy, I've stopped seeking out help in general. But I still have these leftover symptoms that make living hard, just not as hard, so I feel like it's not important. I've tried typing this out like three times but keep closing it and crying.

It's really hard to describe and I don't know if it's a physical health problem or mental health. I feel so unmotivated and want to lay in bed all day, I've been having bad fatigue. I feel really numb but then I'll randomly feel really happy or content, like waking up from this weird fugue state. It's strange, it's like I'm doing better but worse. I haven't been able to get myself motivated. I've been trying to write a novel, I'm about halfway through and want to finish it up by class starting, but I can write for three days and knock out two or three dozen pages and then I need like four days of break. It makes me feel like a failure that I can't write every day, which probably makes me depressed in the first place. I try to do smaller tasks, like one page at a time and take a break, but it still makes me feel like I'm never going to get anywhere. It's also putting myself out there--something I'm creating and hope to sell, and hope people like, and I was always told by an abusive family member that writing wouldn't get me anywhere and there's only ONE good career path.

And every time I have to leave my house, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I've started hyperventilating when I just have to go to the gym. I've had panic attacks and not been able to go into the gym. It seems like the gym is a huge trigger for me, and I think it's because of medical anxiety more than PTSD? But they're linked in that my medical issues that have made me nearly pass out at the gym before make me feel helpless, and unsafe, which is a stressor or trigger for flashbacks, pain and panic. I also get nervous around all those people with heavy equipment. It may be dumb but I feel like they're going to hurt me sometimes. They have such serious faces, I feel like they're mad at me for not knowing what I'm doing. They look so fit and I'm so weak, but the whole reason I'm there is to get strong for my injuries and for feeling safer.

And the small stuff I still have to work on feels so unnecessary, but I guess after reading this back it still is. Thank you for reading.

 

[Recovery4Me]

so I feel like I shouldn't really reach out for help. I

One arm open hug (if you accept).
‘Should’ is such a sneaky word, right? Creeps right into my inner critics’ cognitive distortion and sets up camp.?

Be gentle on yourself. Creativity is sometimes like giving birth, or harmony of motion. When your writer’s block opens, I am sure you will be fabulous and unique! In the meantime, glad you extended.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

‘Should’ is such a sneaky word, right? Creeps right into my inner critics’ cognitive distortion and sets up camp

This is so true. Thank you. I’ve been so hard on myself like if I just do this and that then I’ll be able to perfectly write it.

I had a complete sobbing breakdown after writing this and everything that happened to me or I did I was reacting badly to. I did as much self care as possible and now I’m feeling a bit better!!

 

[Recovery4Me]

Your tender allowance for self compassion as well as self care offers your true sense of courage. Good for you and thank you for sharing.

 

[Ronin]

The small stuff is either part of foundations, or can influence foundations, so not really all that small, or not worth working on.

Small does not mean weak, weak does not mean easiest target... You can be strong & ready in so many more ways, and likely are already in anticipating the danger.

That writing depression is totally normal. So normal that writers regularly joke about it, or about amounts of brilliant novels they will never publish... because they will never finish them, in the first place, and the initially (totally sure to be) million dollar movie script *again* went down the drain with that... just like its twenty seven siblings. But all the marbles that were lost in the time, count THOSE. :sneaky:

Seriously, seconding Recovery, baby steps may be a lot.

 

[Friday]

I feel so unmotivated and want to lay in bed all day, I've been having bad fatigue. I feel really numb but then I'll randomly feel really happy or content, like waking up from this weird fugue state.

Sounds like depression, yeah?

 

[Strangelongtrip]

That writing depression is totally normal. So normal that writers regularly joke about it, or about amounts of brilliant novels they will never publish... because they will never finish them, in the first place, and the initially (totally sure to be) million dollar movie script *again* went down the drain with that... just like its twenty seven siblings. But all the marbles that were lost in the time, count THOSE. :sneaky:

it's probably why it's taken me so long to really work on this, it's been years of piddling away without committing. Maybe I can kind of look at it honestly that it's sort of an aid to writing, deep empathy if that makes sense. My T always says the way I'm able to put myself into other character's moods so strongly may be because of having had intense mood swings for so many years? Trying to look on the bright side haha.

@Friday yeah, that sounds like depression. I just don't know what else to do. I know living with my family isn't helping, but I'm stuck here until I can finish my degree and get a job, and living in this area is expensive. I have doctors and medicinal here, which some of these doctors are very hard to find anywhere, and I need to stay on my parent's state insurance because of being on prescriptions and therapy. I hate living here still though, I can tune out the toxic crap but sometimes I feel like I'm just soaking in a lukewarm tub of negative energy.

I've been on three or four antidepressants. I guess I could try another one but I'm scared after the last one, it made my heart beat go up to 200 just sitting down, but it really did give me lots of energy, but enough where I didn't need to sleep for days on end which isn't good. I was doing really well, but it's just hitting hard.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I know exactly what started this bout of depression. I was supposed to be graduating this month from college, but because of having to leave school for almost two years because of my chronic pain and PTSD and multiple major changes, I'm two years behind. I feel like I'm left behind. It was tiring seeing everyone on social media graduating and getting jobs and I'm stuck at home, and I won't be graduating for two years (maybe a bit less if I ramp up my course load, but that's a bit too much for me).

I think if I write this book it'll make me feel like I accomplished something, because although I've accomplished a lot of self growth and running my own business, it still feels like it pales in comparison to people graduating. Honestly though, all of my friends who have graduated are so lost, and I've never felt less lost in my life. I know what I want and what I want out of life, at least at this point, and I'm only twenty-two. I just guess it's weighing heavily on me, these shoulds and expectations. No one is pressuring me to graduate faster or anything, my dad even took an extra year because of some family stuff and is always telling me don't rush it, you're okay. I just feel like a failure I guess.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I think I'll make another post specifically about that, thank you all!

 

[Ronin]

and I'm stuck at home

While very much minding social life / being on what everyone else is doing,

While healing,

While writing,

While making more notes to writing,

While checking out medication options / researching treatment (while hurting, even.)

While trying to exercise / be and stay fit,

While having a business,

While doing a lot of financial planning,

While doing educational counseling for yourself & the added needs,

& those are just the ones that jump out at me.

Reframe.
You are not Doing nothing.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@Ronin those are very good points!! I have a blog and just sat down and worked out my feelings in an essay form, and it helped a lot!! I don't know why I have this state of mind where life doesn't begin until xyz happens. It's probably something I was taught. for my that xyz is get a degree, have a partner, lost enough weight, and move out. This feels like life on lite mode, like isn't real life yet. Trying to reframe so this is life too.

 

[grit]

This is my personal feeling and I do not know how common it is but after I accomplish a huge thing or take a great adventure trip, I am down and out in deep depression. However, I most often frame depression as a journey to mourn something and make a space for something else and it is never clear until a while after the depression is gone. I feel you work so hard and your body could use a down time but yeah it never really feels like down time.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@grit i get the same feeling!! I get it at the end of every semester. Sometimes I think it’s my body begging for rest. So that’s probably contributing to it too. I feel like I should take a vacation or something.