Can't Prevent The Inevitable, Divorce In The Future

[Redtail]

I have posted a few of my problems in different areas of the forum, but my marriage with my wife has come to a point were divorce is inevitable. She has told me should could forgive me the way I had acting during my untreated phase of my PTSD. I acted horrible the way I treated her. I never did or would physically harm her but my anger, anxiety, depression and other issue caused her a lot of metal distress.

I am on medication now and it certainly helps, but the support I need from her just is not there. She said she still 'loves' me but does not think she will ever be able to feel the same way about me before I developed PTSD. She said she will always have questions of how I will react during conversations. She said she will not allow herself to open up to allowing me to show her I am on the way to recovery. I still love her but the way she treats me it counterproductive to my recovery. Last week in T my wife said she felt divorce was going to happen.

I have decided to start living in a different areas of the house until it can sell, because she wants to keep going on the same path we are going, essentially faking we are married, and I can not do that anymore. To make things more difficult we have two boys, an 10 year old with ADHD, and a 5 year old.

I have extreme guilt for the situation, my disorder and I, have put my family in, but if she is not willing to support me just a little bit, t I think it is the best for all of us in the long run.

Am I right in thinking my recovery is more important than living with an unsupportive wife?

How would be the best way to describe this to out children when we tell them about our new living arrangement and divorce?

 

[anni]

I'm so very sorry. It must feel like the PTSD took one more thing away.

Your T can probably help with you talking to the children, but do have to say that in my experience, they'll be looking to you for your 'lead' on this in the immediate future. If you make it ok, and into the 'new normal', for now, they'll just be reassured that YOU are ok. If you are, it's easier for them to be, you know? Kids don't miss much, even at those young ages. I'd have to think it might not be a big surprise to them. I'm guessing that at least with this decision made, your home is going to be less tense. at least in their perception. That's going to help show things in a better light, also.

It just doesn't sound like the final decision is yours here. so worrying if it's selfish on your part seems a moot point. It can't be selfish, at any rate, to just plain heal-who and what would you end up being if you had not taken that path? From what you described, it sounds like your PTSD, untreated behaviour would have split your marriage up itself, if left unattended to. That would have left you without the marriage AND without yourself. It's awful this way, also but at least you've managed to reclaim yourself, so something valuable has been salvaged-for you and the children. Given the two scenarios, and the sort of lose-lose proposition you seem to have been presented with, it has to be better to be divorced but healed rather than divorced and still completely lost in the PTSD.

All anyone can do with any situation is the best they can, bottom line. You're doing the best you can. If it's not what your wife wishes there's nothing one can do about it except have the personal dignity of knowing it's been your best effort. That's actually an awful lot, if you think about it. It might not take away the pain of divorce but it's got to be something to hold on to, and hopefully be kind of proud of in the end.

Again, so sorry to hear all this. I've personally had more than one marriage blow up so have sort of 'been there'. I know it sounds like just something people always say in this situation, to say 'You'll be ok', so don't wish to be annoying with this. I have to say it though because you really will be ok. Maybe not today or next week but an awful lot sooner than if you hadn't come so far with healing the PTSD.

All the best,

Anni

 

[Redtail]

It does feel like PTSD has stolen my family life away. The thing I cherished the most was that of being a great family. And it will never be the same because of it. I have a lot of anger right now, but trying to keep keeping it under control (positive step for me). Wish I has something to focus it on. If I was not with my kids a good gym session would be in order, but my spouse is at a party.

Good way to look at the untreated problems and it would have ended my marriage if left untreated. Could have probably hurt my children's relationship too if I left it untreated. My health would have gotten worse.
I would just have never thought she would act this way, maybe there is more I don't know about.

We used to have a great relationship, friends, had a good time together and enjoyed each others companionship, we have been together for almost 20 years and it all seems for not. I have tried everything I told her I was willing to try anything else but live the way we have been living.

I dread the day my children ask why we divorced and I all can say I tried everything to keep us together but Daddy had a problem that caused mommy not to love him. God knows I have been a pillar for her before. We have had a lot of life trauma together.

I just cant believe how this @#$% disorder is so destructive.

Is it normal to start losing faith? Why am I deserving of this??? I trust there is a reason, just wish I understood it better.

 

[AdamAnt]

Redtail, Could this possibly be the PTSD talking? Has this had ample time for any temporarities to work themselves out? Is it possible that your wife was having a bad day when she said that?....dunno, I guess you've already grabbed at all the straws, I'm just looking for something positive.

 

[Redtail]

I have grabbed everything I could at this point. Thanks for the positive thought though!!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Redtail,

Please forgive me in advance if this is neither useful nor accurate, but something in my 'gut' has to agree with AdamAnt: I can't quite put my finger on it except to say this: I so agree how much ptsd can and does steal away, and I realize how you acknowledge and regret how much pain this has caused, and how critical it is (not self-centered) for you to concentrate on your healing. But to be honest, 'now' is not the time to expect a spouse to be supportive: that is, your wife I believe very much will be able to be and will hopefully want to be, but right now she has to make sense of this and deal with her own hurting. I know that, at least for myself, as some things start to make 'sense' it feels like I've cracked the code, only to find it's just a step or 2 into healing. She needs time and to see that you are healing, but you need time also and there is so much to heal. Any time I hear "how it will be better (for others) if (you) leave"- yes there can be (some) truth in that, but there is also truth in that much can be overcome, but you have to perhaps not expect your wife to be supportive now- and that's ok considering what she's been through. I would persevere, and not make any huge changes yet, except to work on managing this ptsd and relinquishing an expectation that (anyone's spouse) would/ should support them at this early stage, that's to be expected with all the pain/ fear/ hurt/ lack of understanding.
But it may be possible, if you accept 100% responsibilty for managing this ptsd- without even thinking of another's involvement whatsoever- to be able to regain the love, trust, respect and fun that was there before.

It reminds me of my dad saying getting sober: after 1 year he thought he was doing great/ was very sane; after another year he looked back at that year and could see how far he still had to go.

I just say that in relation to myself- I hope you don't feel offended, I certainly don't mean it that way. I just mean your recovery has to be 100% up to you- your wife's support is not the question, (but also) not to isolate yourself due to self-blame or guilt, etc.
Please be kind on her and kind on yourself.

-Best wishes-

 

[Redtail]

Junebug,

Not offended and quite possibly the best sense made out of my recovery. I do need to take it upon myself, and I am isolating myself and I don not know how to get over that part. My profession and my upbringing instills the internalization. I have been with my wife for 19 years (14 married), I was just hoping and expecting more than what I am getting. One of my problems is I over expect and get disappoint when reality happens.
Thanks for the time everyone takes to post.

 

[LSNP]

Divorce can often bring on its own PTSD symptoms. I live with these every day.

 

[Redtail]

LSNP,

Can you please explain, have you recently divorced and it has triggered you symptoms or am I missing what you are trying to say?