Today is not a good day, and last night was not a good night.
I was at my house and we were having a party for my friend's birthday. We were drinking, and everyone was having a good time. I was worried though because I have been really stressed and my more vivid/violent(not physically) flashbacks happen when I have been stressed and under the influence of large amounts of alcohol.
I was talking to a friend who was discussing the big fight my friends and I had. I could feel myself losing control. I knew I had to leave so I ran out on our conversation. Another friend of mine helped calm me down before could go into a full blow flashback.
Later, I was helping the birthday friend who was getting sick. Another friend of mine got mad at how I was handling the situation and started to verbally fight with me. Our other friends took over caring for our friend, and told us to get out. She then proceeded to yell at me some more and I'm pretty sure she pretty much doesn't want to be friends with me anymore (another one lost).
After she left and the situation settled, my friends were on our porch and saw a woman being attacked and dragged across the ground. They intervened and brought the woman into the house where she said that he was trying to rape her. I could feel myself start to get triggered but I stayed and helped her.
The cops were called and came. They told all the guys to stay in the house (it was just me and another guy). Inside I could hear her saying "He drug me across the ground", "He tried to rape me" over and over. I couldn't take it, all of the stress erupted. I broke down and I began to just cry, strait out sobbing. I don't cry. My body refuses to. But the combination of everything just made it so I couldn't hold it in any longer.
The other guy knows my story but another friend of mine was there and completely clueless as to why I was so upset. So he had to fill her in. No details just that I have PTSD. I hate that it got to me. I feel like I turned the situation onto me. I didn't mean to our want to.
After I regained composer, I became numb and couldn't hardly speak. I just went through the motions. Cleaning to deal and keep myself occupied. Luckily no one besides the two knew about me crying and no one said anything about it. But now I'm dealing with the aftermath. Trying to make sense of everything. All my insecurities, where I stand with my friend, and how I'm going to keep things together. I feel like I'm holding myself together with tape and glue. Once I get one piece back together, another falls apart. It's never ending and I'm very tired of it all.
