Can't Remember Therapy Sessions (dissociating), So What Use Is Therapy?

[Rose Monarch]

Hello, I'm new here and having trouble with opening up so thought I'd start with a bit of a practical problem I'm having (no talking about my past just yet, I'll work up to that!)(avoidance anybody?) Anyway, I'm sure nobody will read this so it's a good way to break the ice from my perspective.

I recently started seeing a lovely therapist. A couple of weeks ago she told me I was dissociating, I'd heard of it, but only vaguelly. I go blank and stutter terribly (I am not generally a stutterer). The blankness is worrying, but the worst part is the periods of time I loose.

I 'confessed' to her that since I had started the sessions a few months ago I had these blank periods. One particular time I walked away from preparing some milk for a kitten I had been hand rearing (it was very important she was fed). I left the tap on full (I'm O.C.D. and panic about leaving taps on, it's my most maddening obsession!) I really don't now how long it was, but I found myself playing a game on my iPad, listening to music! I had a high score, and the earphones in, but no memory of doing any of it!

My Therapist was wonderful, she just said that was fine, I wasn't going mad, and that under the circumstances (with what we had been going over in our sessions) she wasn't surprised, that I was just extremely stressed. Although this was really comforting, I'm terrified of what I might do, the O.C.D. Means I obsess about turning things off, fires, the usual household hazards, what if I do it when the cookers on?

Anyway, that's not really the problem, last time I saw my Therapist, as usual she asked me if I had any thoughts on the last session, the trouble is I can't remember it, I mean it's a total blank. I told her this and again she was fine, the thing is, I have another appointment Monday, and the only thing I remember from the last time is telling her I couldn't remember the previous session!

I've just started to come to this forum, and was hoping that someone might have some experience with this. Private therapy in the U.K. (after a disastrous experience with the NHS!) is very expensive. I suppose we can manage, but what use is therapy if you can't remember anything from the sessions? Is it worth all this fear and money?

My Husband says the money's fine, but I already feel so guilty about how I've ruined his life, I can't work and I'm draining any extra money we have, it's like I'm sucking the life out of him with all my neurotics (and not in a sexy Twilight way!)

Anyway, Any input would be gratefully received,

Thanks, R.M.

 

[piratelady]

Maybe you and your therapist should work on some grounding techniques before talking about the more stressful things that are causing you to dissociate. Or, if your therapist is able to tell when you are dissociating, she can stop and help bring you back into the room.

 

[Hashi]

I agree with piratelady. It sounds like the most valuable thing you and your therapist can spend time on is talking about the dissociation and how you can manage things so you're present for the session and can remember it afterwards. Wise forum member gizmo has pointed out in another thread that we dissociate when we don't feel safe. In my opinion, safety is the most important thing to work on as a basis for therapy and any work on healing.

I have private therapy in the UK and I really relate to wanting to make that 50 minutes count. I'd consider work on safety, grounding and being able to stay present to be essential, because it's the basis of all trauma work and will give you tools you can use all the time.

 

[kers]

My therapist and I roll with the dissociation. I agree that discussing the dissociation in session is invaluable. I can often tell now when it's happening, and he can often read my physical cues to it, too. I don't think of dissociation as an enemy in therapy any more. It's informative: it tells you that something you were talking about was overwhelming. Whenever I come back from checking out, we backtrack to see what set me off. I have also learned to admit when I have no idea what's going on, and often at the end of a session I ask my therapist to summarize what we addressed. Sometimes I take notes to help me remember.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Therapy is more than just talking about your problems. It's about learning how to better your life. Having said that, your therapist should be able to teach you coping skills which include grounding techniques. If the discussion of your past sends you into dissociative episodes, that is an indication that you're not ready to talk about such issues yet. It is imperative that if you're prone to dissociation, that you know how to keep yourself safe and grounded when an episode occurs. Good luck!

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

You are so lucky to have found a therapist who understand dissociation! Congratulations on that!

One thing to remember is that you have been dissociating for many years. This is not new, you are just more aware of it now.

The fact that you dissociate in there probably means your internal system needs to feel safe and they are checking things out. Your T sounds very capable and well trained.

Please know that in order to treat dissociation Things Will Get Worse Before They Get Better! This is very very important! Please don't quit or think she's a bad therapist if you 'get worse'. This is the nature of getting better. (Think cleaning out the junk drawer -dump it all out, sort, put back away -it's messy to begin with, gets even messier, but then you have a nice clean drawer.)

 

[SevenWolves]

Until the dissociation is under better control would taping the session help? With my very first therapist we would use a tape recorder and tape each session. He'd give me the tape afterward to take home. That way I could listen to the session throughout the week. It helped, especially if there were different things he wanted me to do for the next session - like art therapy or journal sheets.