Can't Sleep, Been Thinking About...

[macbeth]

Compliments. I was abused as a child and as an adult. I find that compliments are a trigger of mine. If someone pays me one I tend to run the other way.(I know it's illogical but this is PTSD we're talking about). I can't help thinking that the person paying the compliment is trying to draw me in to a sadistic world or something along those lines. Does anyone else have a really hard time with this? I know that when you have low self esteem it can be hard to accept compliments but this is different. I actually feel a lot of fear if I hear someone say something positive about me. I also have the same reaction to criticism, positive or otherwise.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Hmmm, interesting topic. I despise compliments, because I feel like once I accept them, I have to live up to that person's expectations. I'm a people pleaser, so compliments put TONS of pressure on me..

 

[macbeth]

BTW Thank you to @Ms Spock for the idea about a post.

 

[macbeth]

I understand that too @FindingMyself88

 

[Justmehere]

My therapist and I have a running joke about complements because it is so hard for me to take them. I became so triggered once by her complementing me that I visibly physically pulled back from her in my chair.

For me, on some level that isn't cognitive, accepting too many compliments means basically maybe I am really an ok person and maybe I didn't deserve what happened to me. It also means I exist in the world, and I take up space, and sometimes that can feel so threatening to me.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

I have always felt uncomfortable receiving compliments, thought it was just a self-esteem thing, but this is a really interesting perspective. I agree with Justmehere.

 

[Mayday]

I often get that feeling about compliments too. I suspect that as a child, sometimes compliments did lead to unpleasant situations, which is consistent with grooming.

Also if I got any compliments my parents would later criticise or make fun of me so I guess I started to associate compliments with that.

Edit: I've done a lot of work in therapy on this and it has become a lot easier and more pleasant to receive compliments. I still struggle with them but not nearly as much.

 

[fly away home]

My T pointed out that I need to say thank you when someone compliments me. This was a hard thing to learn because she was subtly saying that it was rude when I just shake my head 'no' to a compliment. Very embarrassed!

I feel manipulated when someone offers me a compliment, I wonder what they want from me. I tend to sit there dumbfounded trying to figure it out. It is hard to come to terms with.

This happens with acts of kindness towards me as well. I remember being given a birthday card and flowers from my work mates when I turned 18 and thinking they had the wrong person then crying in front of all the customers. Couldn't believe how stupid I felt. I was crying because I knew this kind thing, this sign of gratitude and that people liked me, was something I had not experienced often but it still touched me deeply. I still don't understand why people go to the effort to be kind to me.

I have to remind myself this is not about them being kind to me it's about them actually noticing something THEY like. It's not actually about me but their perception. This helps me to take a step back and feel removed from the compliment and therefore it sits better.

 

[macbeth]

Wow @fly away home . I could have written the post above! You read my mind!!

 

[Pencil]

I need to say thank you when someone compliments me.

I can't do it. When I receive a compliment from someone I don't know well, I'm convinced it is motivated by sheer malice, such as telling the Hunchback of Notre Dame he is handsome and sexy.

When I receive a compliment from someone I do know well, I'm convinced it is motivated by pity or condescension, 'say something nice to the poor sod'

And so I return it, e.g. if someone says 'I like your hairstyle' (and I think, 'so you think it looks stupid and if I say thank you, you'll get an evil grin'), I respond with, 'Oh, I was thinking yours / [your whatever else] is great'. In this way, if it was motivated by nastiness, the person will wonder if I'm not nasty in return - and leave me the f*ck alone, or alternatively if the motive was a simple compliment, the person will be rewarded with a deserved compliment.

What a convoluted mess.

 

[Rizen]

I get something along the same lines as this. I tend to distrust people and think they want something when they compliment me.
I don't know if this is a healthy reaction but it helps me fit it; I 'act' in those situations as if I'm reciting lines from a play or speech or something. It takes me a step away like this is some formality that doesn't really relate to me like saying hello or something.
Afterward it really bugs. It feels like everything is so superficial but it does help me fit in.