Career Advise

[member]

I'm looking for some career advise or perspective and hoping one of you may be able to shed some light on things for me. I am a member here but am choosing to post anonymously.

I have several years of work experience in my career field and have a reached a level of stability and seniority.

Since the onset of my PTSD a few years ago, I have really struggled in said career field. I'm still functioning, but it's tough, and most weeks I just do what I can to keep it together enough to get to the weekend. Then the process starts all over again. To me, this is not really living at all.

This career field also seems to be out of alignment with my current interests. I say "seems' because I don't know if it's just the PTSD talking or if it's truly no longer in sync with who I am.

My current interests happen to be in a career field that does not offer livable wages. I don't have other supports. I don't have the bandwidth right now to go back to school for something else while remaining employed, and I need to remain employed in order to pay the bills.

I have tried to find positions in the same career field that are at a lower level and responsibility. This does not appear to be viable since the issue lies in the career field and management will try to squeeze you no matter your position. I have a very specific skill and I can't figure out how to find other work outside of the work I'm already in.

At the end of the day I feel I need to leave this job. It literally feels like it's killing me. Everyone I speak to says that I should not throw away the stability that said job offers. But what my question is, why does that stability matter if it's exacerbating my symptoms, impeding my chances of healing, and holding me back from other areas of my life? Why should I stay in the rat race just to pay the bills? What is the point of living this life then?

 

[anthony]

I think a persons interests change... PTSD or not, yet something like PTSD can assist the change process to occur before you may have ever thought it would.

But what my question is, why does that stability matter if it's exacerbating my symptoms, impeding my chances of healing, and holding me back from other areas of my life?

That is one of the problems of PTSD. It hinders your employment abilities, which compounds into home and other areas of your life.

Why should I stay in the rat race just to pay the bills? What is the point of living this life then?

No right answer to this. Personal choice. There are plenty of people with PTSD who kill themselves for this very reason.... they can't live life happily without discomfort. Again, a personal choice, not right or wrong, unfortunately.

 

[hodge]

I came down with delayed-onset PTSD in my 40s. I had also by that time achieved a level of seniority in my career. Like you, it was making me more ill to keep trying to work. At the end, I was only managing a few hours a week. It tore me up, but I finally applied for SS disability and got it about a year later. I don't know where you live, but in the US, it's a pretty awful process, but worth it. And a few years ago I was able to start working part-time using similar skills. It doesn't pay the bills, but SS does and I now feel more useful again.

 

[whiteraven]

I don't have any answers for you, because I am in the exact same place right now, but I wanted to let you know I read this and I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I know how very hard it is to try to make it through each day in a job that is - literally - killing you.

My best to you.

 

[member]

Thank you so much for all of the replies. I found them each to be very validating for separate reasons. I often feel like I never got the memo on how to do life and just wasn't sure if I was somehow overlooking something that every other person on the planet understands. @anthony thank you for pointing out the affect PTSD can have on ones interests and employment abilities. It helps to read that. I'm sorry @hodge and @whiteraven to learn of your struggles as well.

My therapist had talked to me a while ago about different options in terms of accommodations or disability. Unless the accommodation is I don't have to go work full stop then there's very little that can help. That is, if I even wanted to disclose my disability, which I do not.

I don't think disability would get approved. I still manage to perform at a high level. Attendance isn't perfect but I mostly manage. From the outside, I'm the ideal employee, but it's coming at such a huge cost to me. I keep saying it's not sustainable, and yet I am still here, chugging along.

 

[whiteraven]

I get this, about performing at a high level but it being at a very high cost to you. I could have written that myself. I am exploring small business options that have very low initial investment. Some things that incorporate talents I have that will allow me to cut back on my hours a bit initially, and maybe help me eventually build a client base so I can quit. It is not ideal, but it is the only option I can see right now. It will let me work at home, which is my only safe place right now, and it gives me a very minute bit of hope, which I don't have. It might be something you want to think about. I don't know what your field is, or what sort of talents or hobbies you have, but you may be able to use some of those and redirect them into a job that feels doable.

 

[Friday]

But what my question is, why does that stability matter if it's exacerbating my symptoms, impeding my chances of healing, and holding me back from other areas of my life? Why should I stay in the rat race just to pay the bills? What is the point of living this life then?

I guess that would depend on how much homelessness would exacerbate your symptoms, impede chances of healing, and hold you back from other areas of your life?

Not saying to stay in your job, just that having spent a few years at different times in my life completely unstable that it's one of those things people often take for granted... Until it's gone.

I can't even begin to explain how much instability affects every area of one's life, including PTSD (and a freaking self perpetuating cycle of :wtf: that is; as symptoms get worse, which makes things even more unstable, which makes symptoms worse, which makes things even more unstable, rinse lather repeat), and how frustratingly hard it is to come back from that and rebuilding ones life, again, is. Get stable has been my mission for the past 2 years. Still ain't got it. Came close a few times, but one of the pieces to it is that when you're living on the edge, any minor little thing becomes a crisis that pushes you right back over.

 

[GrayOwl]

I could probably write for days on this topic.
Essentially, what I would say, has already been spoken.
I've kept my insane job for another year.
3 trips to urgent care. 4 trips to emergency room. One surgery. Bankruptcy. Homeless since June. 20 doctor visits. Partial disability. Depression. And now fighting docs to stay off hydrocodone, oxy, and morphine. That's the downside.
Those are the work and related stress and work induced problems.
Upside?
Medical and labor settlements? Maybe?
I would trade those to see the criminals that own my company jailed or out of business. I work with people across many states and herein with similar issues - which are far more common and less addressed than we admit to. I have been asked to develop and bring forward changes to the labor laws by state legislators. I have testified and spoken in federal court and state capital on these problems. And I have stood my ground against dishonest, bullying owners and management for myself and for co-workers and am proud I have done so.
I weigh and question my position in life daily. Sometimes hourly.
I have an exit strategy. I am working into other employment that can sustain my finances ( requiring some $ sacrifice) and provide a nurturing and healing environment for my worn and damaged body and psyche.
And I need to be careful, exactly as Friday wisely speaks, not to tip the scale beyond my limits. Only you, or only I, can honestly judge that for ourselves. Once beyond those limits, it does become a dark and scary place to return from. Difficult at times.
I thank all of you for the continuing strength, support, and wisdom to continue.

 

[member]

One of the downsides of writing in as a guest is I can't figure out how to quote or view the responses as I'm typing a response, but I'm going to do my best.

@Friday you have written on a subject about which I have thought deeply. As I've really begun to explore other career options and starting out all over again somewhere, I have realised just how stable my current job situation is. Speaking in generalities, salaries and cost of living do not seem to line up unless you are in the few niche careers and maintain the right qualifications. I have worked hard to this point to get to where I am so that I have not had to stress about how I'm going to pay my heating bill or get my next meal. I don't take it for granted.

Enter PTSD.

I don't see the point of keeping my job just so I can pay my heat bill and eat my next meal whilst being driven into the ground by said job? To me, that's not really living at all. I fear I will get to the end of my life only to realise that I've been living someone else's version of what life is supposed to be and have had no real quality of life at all. I can't hold on to a vague hope and idea that things change all the time. On a practical Monday-Friday 9-5 level, that's not enough.

@whiteraven I am pleased you are working towards another option that will be safer for you. It's not easy stepping away from something that is known to pursuing an unknown. It takes courage, especially where PTSD is concerned.

I have thought and continue to think about other jobs and options and have engaged professionals to assist with that as well. The only ones I have identified do not offer livable wages. There's one job that is in a very remote but healing location and would remove me from the few supports I have now. I would be scraping by to pay bills or even find affordable housing. I do wonder if I should do it anyway, to reset and gain some other skills. I can't seem to get clear on it.

 

[Friday]

I don't see the point of keeping my job just so I can pay my heat bill and eat my next meal whilst being driven into the ground by said job? To me, that's not really living at all. I fear I will get to the end of my life only to realise that I've been living someone else's version of what life is supposed to be and have had no real quality of life at all.

One of the things I learned the last time I was doing badly and this headspace struck, is that once I nuked my life and went to live on a beach somewhere, is that it rarely lasted for longer than about 6 weeks. Then the fog would lift, and life would parse, and I'd be SOL. So it finally occurred to me that 6 weeks? Wasn't forever. I didn't need to nuke my life over 6 weeks. 6 weeks was a vacation. So when I rebuilt my life -for real- the first time, I included that into the equation. That from time to time life would just simply quit making sense. So I would pay my rent & bills quarterly, instead of monthly, and take periodic breaks. Ideally before life quit parsing, but even if I waited until the DGAF struck? My life was taken care of. I could walk away from it for a month or three, with no consequences should I decide I wanted it back.

Were there times Does not grok. lasted longer than 6weeks? (After completely walking away, before walking away it can last indefinitely). Yep. But, again, my personal upper limit of doing nada before I go out of my mind with boredom is about 6 months. But my upper limit was something I rarely reached. Most of the time I didn't even need 6 weeks, much less 6 months.

 

[joeylittle]

One of the downsides of writing in as a guest is I can't figure out how to quote or view the responses as I'm typing a response, but I'm going to do my best.

Join? :whistling:

 

[member]

I am a member but I was trying to post anonymously as stated in my first post.