Career And Ptsd. Now What??

[Wagon]

OK Here Goes. I need some advice on this one.

So 4 months have passed since being diagnosed and I still cannot answer the question.....Is my career over or not?

The problem with my career is that it is very closely connected with the whole reason I am such a mess today. I sailed on a couple ships in the Navy and went through my horrors there. Then I decided to make a career in shipping. So i got my Maritime Economics degree and all that and then finally ended up working as a Tonnage Planner. In essence managing the day to day chaos of running 100 ships around the world.

The problem with these operational shipping jobs is that for myself, there are triggers and reminders about my past around every corner, not to mention the natural high stress of the jobs in the first place. Then I got to add military operations to my repertoire when the wars started. We did the supply chain design and operations for Heavy equipment (M1s M2s, Humvees, Tank retrievers, I think they are basically old M60s) into Iraq and Afghanistan on civilian US Flag ships. I was extremely depressed during that time period.

Now it is one year or more since I have worked in the business. And I feel emotionally pretty good. But when I think about going back to my career, I cringe. I can't envision myself in that type of leadership role any longer. It really freaks me out.

Then I make a decision not to go back. Of course then reality sets in and I need a job. I've been working with ships since I was 18. So I think, OK maybe I should give it another go....BUT, then there is all that shit waiting for me and all those memories lurking.

There is also family to consider. I've patched things up with my wife and I love my little daughters to no end. I desperately want to spend time with them and help them on their way in life. The down side of my career is that if the family was all together in one place and I had my old career back, then I would probably be in Japan or Korea at the moment, dealing with the mess the earthquake has caused in manufacturing....... Catch 22. Not to mention, I don't handle those trips well anyway. I always came back exhausted, sick and then wanted to shut the world out for a week afterwords. Rotten.

So there is a job up now as Head of Operations.... Build your own team bla bla bla. And I can't decide. I'm still mind f*cked, but I am better off without all the stress. I can't decide. But I am kind of thinking that I should let this lie. It was a good career. Travelled everywhere, but maybe thats the end now. Feels like coming home in a way.

I this the right thing to do? I do note that some people here have given up their careers because of this for various reasons. Is it OK to walk away from this if it does indeed contain so many triggers? Sorry, I'm a little lost on this.

Wagon

 

[Fargo1]

Wagon,

I am feeling a bit at a loss myself. My work as an architect has been a passion since before I joined the military. I used to love it. Maybe loved it too much. I have grown to hate it. Dread going into work. This is made more difficult as I run my own firm. I choose the direction and have to lead the way. I have to be motivated every day to insure that my employees stay motivated. It is so, so hard.

Brother, your no-nonsense posts have been an inspiration to me in may darkest days. You are one of the people who held out a hand and grabbed mine as I was falling hard. For whatever reason I could not accept that from the people right here who could literally do it. But your voice from far away. That is what did it for me.

As I was having to balance trying to keep my firm running while I was being deployed in the reserves. Especially in '03 when I was sent to Iraq and then again in '05 with Katrina. Man what a mess.

I am shocked that both my firm and I are still here even if it is only by a thread. The stress of the construction industry imploding, trying not to lay off employees has taken its toll on me and my relationships. My girl, the woman I love is running away from me. Not sure if that can be stopped. I am scared that it can't. It tears me up and sends me reeling every time I think of it.

I often wonder if I should change careers. Move to a different place. I am afraid that it won't help. Hell I am afraid that it might help. I am just plain scared.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

—Frank Herbert, Dune

Now if I could only put that into action...

I can't tell you what to do. If I could do that I would. What I can say is this; I have ruined two relationship in five years. I have driven my business into the ground. I have f*cked up personal relationships that are the most important thing in my life.

You have patched things up with your wife. You love your kids. You can't help them without helping yourself.

Your kids will love you no matter what your job, title or how much money you make. Your wife loves you and has been willing to come back into your shit-storm (no offense intended). Can you keep that together in Japan or Korea? Can you take them with you? Do you want to? A wise man once said, "Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. In reality it makes the heart lonely and sad. You won't forget a smile, or the things she told you before she left, or that she held your hand. But can you actually remember that feeling when she did it? All you really know is that you miss her."

Make the decision based on those facts of life. Not on any of the other shit that is clouding your mind, body and soul.

And no matter what, realize that at the BARE MINIMUM, there are these people here. Your brothers and sisters in arms. Who will stand beside you. Will not judge you. Will listen to you. Will tell it to you as they see it. Then pick you up. Let you walk if you can or will carry you if they have to. Because that is what we do. It is who we were before the shit. It is who we were trained to be during the shit and it is who we are now. It is who you are now.

Re-read the quote above.

Fargo

 

[Fargo1]

Wow after reading that, maybe I should become and inspirational speaker.... **nervous laugh**

 

[Jimmy1]

After reading that I can say your both inspirational. When I was diagnosed my psych said I was unfit for employment in the foreseeable future, so the military kicked me out. I tried a couple of volunteer jobs, but ended up nearly losing it when they put time constraints or too much stress on my plate.

After doing the PTSD course they said that the majority of people with Chronic PTSD symptoms never work. For one, the medication they are on does not allow them to operate machinery, that being a motor vehicle, or anything else.
The second one is the loss of control. Usually they were someone in the military and had adapted to the military way of life and knew their place. To do anything else and be surrounded by dickheads usually sets them off.

If you guys can manage work and your PTSD then I think your better than me.
Anthony works from home building these websites, answering questions, yet he still needs time out.

But in my opinion, if you have to retire due to your PTSD, don't feel bad. And if you have to work, try something from home without all the social interaction. Like you Fargo, I am sure you could work from home. But if you can make it, then well done to the both of you.

Jimmy

 

[Wagon]

Gents,

Thanks for that. I'll need to digest this all. And do some sleeping. Something that is out of sorts these days. The words are comforting though.

And Fargo, Man. Thanks for the Frank Herbert. I love that book and the original movie. A really great story of greatness from the ashes. Ever read "The Jesus Incident" and "Lazarus Effect" by him. Non Dune Books but just as impelling.

Good Night Brothers. Many thanks. Need to think.

Wagon

 

[BV101]

I got out of my work. I jumped just as they were bringing things to a head to push me. I am now in something a bit better, less massive with a boss who understands (he is an aussie combat veteran) and we don't discuss stuff, but he understands that sometimes I have unproductive days at work.
I was really worried about chucking it all in. I had my bank account drain (sorry I mean the wife) to think about, 2 kids, no house, no job etc, but it really was the best thing for me. It didn't seem so at the time, but as Alija looks to me, it really was. So sometimes its better to make the jump and your god will give you a net.
Thats my 2 convertable marka worth of input done!

 

[Wagon]

OK, I've given it a big think..... Then I thunk some more. Reviewed a bit of my life and I think I have come to a decision. I will not return to my career. I had a great run. VP of Global Fleet Operations, Head of Tonnage. Designed cargo ships, 10 of them are out there on the seas today. But that's enough. Its over. I have to admit whole heartedly and honestly, that I can't handle that business any more. I am officially burnt.

So, what am I going to do now. No big boy job, but I certainly have the big boy debts. Well for one, I'm going stop paying private doctors and get into the system in Norway. Now that it does not matter who knows. I'm also entertaining a bartending job............Yeah I know people, but the place I'm looking at is perfect. Very small bar, no fancy shit, don't like it? get out. Get to chose my own music...no requests, its policy. I also believe I'll dedicate some time to writing. That has taken a huge back seat over the years and its noy going to pay for anything, but it is pretty therapeutic.

Thanks guys for some good advice in this area.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

So how do you feel now Wagon? If there is the feeling like a big weight has been lifted from your shoulders, then you have probably made the right decision. Sounds like much less stress in your life--bartending while listening to music you like and writing? Sounds pretty great.

I hope you are feeling good and that it goes smoothly. Sometimes looking in a new direction can breathe new life. Best wishes on your new opportunities!

Red

 

[Ted Moen]

I think the question is does your work environment trigger your ptsd symptoms beyond your ability to manage your behavior given your flow of intrusive thoughts and feelings in that environment. For me, when I was away from my work environment I would answer 'I can do this' because I was in fact capable but the truth was when I was actually in my work environment I would lose control of my behavior, sometimes acting out old feelings of rage or anger on people who triggered stuff, sometimes going off on tangents to give leadership lessons in taking care of their responsibilities. So for me, the answer was my work environment triggered my symptoms beyond my ability to manage my behavior when triggered at that level.

I was a very hard decision. I had goals and ambitions and so on. But I was also in therapy and the therapists were repeatedly suggesting it was time for me to take the uniform off and openly pleading for me not to participate in any more wars (I was in the military). I felt I still had one more war/deployment in me.

Then there was the financial stuff.

In the end, for me the work environment triggered stuff at a level that resulted in me acting out, sometimes behaving in ways that felt good at the moment but was actually not in my own best interest in my current situation. I finally agreed to cooperate in a medical retirement due to ptsd.

It has been a good decision for me. I have my protected little corner of the world, an environment which does not trigger stuff beyond my ability to manage my behavior appropriately while the thoughts and feelings and moods are passing. I have a set of activities and relationships I participate in and find rewarding. I experience a full range of feelings including joy. I can experience sadness without it leading to clinical major depression. The homicidal and suicidal stuff is gone. Life is good.

Ted

 

[Jimmy1]

I agree Ted.

I know a lot of people that still do some sort of work; however, they are usually in a position where there is little stress and no wanker screaming in their faces.

A lot of my friends work from home too.

It just needs to be somewhere where you can stand up and have a break if it is becoming too much.

The big drama I had and still have is the fact that 5 years ago, I was a Sergeant Major, or the OPS Warrant Officer. I used to command and administrate for a couple of hundred soldiers. I used to be the discipline officer at the same time and could do a whole lot more things.

Then all of a sudden I am flat out remembering to tie my shoes or find the right way down to the local shopping centre.

You are right Ted though, you need to find something that does not trigger your symptoms.

Jimmy

 

[Wagon]

Yup. Even clearer signs that its over. My career had way too many stress triggers. Reminders every day. And I was on call 24hrs a day seven days a week for 10 years. My mobile phone was never more than a meter away. My wife hated that.

At the end my mind was as about as sharp as a spoon. My memory was for shit and was really starting to disappoint people around me. Not to mention the rage incidents which just don't fly in a Norwegian office setting, much less anywhere else.

It feels good to walk away from this. I never want to experience the white hot stress that stays for hours and overshadows all rational thought, then leaves you feeling exhausted and hollow at the end. It's been very good not experiencing that for a few months.

So for now I feel that I'm heeling. But I feel very damaged as well. Like I'm walking around in pyjamas and a bathrobe all the time........in a Victorian 19th century sanatorium. This sailor has finally come home. But it is going to take some getting used to.

Wagon