Hi,
I'm new to this forum & new to understanding PTSD. I have been so desperately seeking answers to all that just unfolded in my life. I've been with my husband for 7 1/2 years, 2 1/2 of which we've been married. Two weeks ago, he sat me down and told me he was leaving me. That the route of all his unhappiness stems from the marriage and me. I was in utter shock. I had NO idea he felt this way. He had expressed unhappiness once about 2 months ago claiming that he was unhappy but referenced "surfaced" reasons why - household division of responsibilities. I put more focus on the areas where he thought I was not contributing enough and he acknowledged and appreciated it. We'd been really busy in life and over the past 2-3 months I had felt disconnected from him but I thought we'd have time to try and get back to our connection. We both have high-stress jobs, he is in business school and we just bought a beautiful home where we thought our future would be together.
When I felt him withdrawing I just told him I loved him, was hear for him and that he could open up when he was ready. He would cry, have a lot of trouble breathing and told me he was incapable of "being here for me" or "loving me" when he didn't love himself. The night he broke it off he blamed things in our marriage like we didn't have enough time for each other, I had too busy of a social life, I put friends before him, I didn't need him enough. He said it'll never work because I want to live in the city and he wants a simpler, country life and I'd never be willing to move (this is not true). He would flip between blaming me for all of his unhappiness to anger about things in the marriage that hurt him to then telling me he had to a go on a journey by himself and I could not come along. He said he had to work on himself and I would never understand. He'd been seeking counselling on & off for a year without sharing this with me. Things that had presented issues in our marriage (ones that I believed couples communicated about and worked through) were now so final and the end of our marriage. I asked for counselling, a chance to try and understand and work at it and he said absolutely not, he was done, it was my fault and I took him for granted too long. He seemed very angry with me and blamed me for the reason he was leaving. He never once communicated the extent of his unhappiness and for the majority of our relationship seemed very happy and totally committed until the last 2 1/2 months.
Background
From the beginning we had an incredible connection and draw to one another. He strongly pursued me, we moved in after 6-months together at 27 and we lived together for 4 years before he proposed. We were engaged for a year and then happily married. Everyone in our life always said how much he adored me, looked at me with such love and I felt this way all the time as well. I reciprocated that love deeply but now he says he never felt it.
In 2006, he suffered a sudden pulmonary embolism at the age of 30. He essentially died at the hospital and they brought him back. I went into crisis management mode calling all family, staying strong and sharing details when they arrived. I gave the doctors critical information that saved his life and slept at the hospital for 4 nights while he fought for his life.
We walked away from the hospital on the 5th day and he was considered a miracle. I remember we told each other we'd never take each other for granted and held each other and shared our hopes, dreams, future etc. I encouraged him to see a counsellor to process what had happened and he went a few times but did not feel he needed it a the time. Things had not really processed for him.
A year plus later we were married. Things were still wonderful although I noticed he did not handle stress well. He would get very aggravated over little things that to me should not have been a big deal. If I'd drop something on the floor, if there was any clutter in the house, if he had to pack for a business trip - he became very angry. He started hating our tiny apartment in the city and blamed the city for his unhappiness saying it was making him into someone he is not. (he is from a rural area)
Then a year and half ago he was diagnosed with stage one testicular cancer. They removed his testicle and eradicated the cancer. He never had chemo, radiation or anything of the sort. He would sometimes say he wished he had so he could process it better. He struggled with having one testicle, the cancer the whole thing. I again encouraged him to see someone. He did not tell me if he did. He became increasingly angry and wanted for us to move into more space so badly. He hated our apartment and it became a real source of anger and agitation.
So finally, we saved and borrowed and called in every favour in the book to buy a house. It was a compromise a little outside the city but still very close and an urban area. All of our friends lived over here and for a few months he was happy. We renovated the basement which started to make him really seem very angry and stressed and we moved in a tenant downstairs. He had remarked how much he loved our new home and could see us living here for 10 or so years and we talked about the children we'd raise here.
Then the house became the source of anger. We had a few incidents with a very nosey neighbour, our car was violated and them he began to hate the house. Every little house problem, rain coming in from a window, light needing to be fixed all caused him so much anger. His anger made me retreat a bit where I thought he'd need space and alone time. I would go to hang out with friends without him. His drinking was also very extreme. We always would have cocktails on the weekend but he would drink whiskey and heavily.
Fast forward to 2 1/2 weeks ago where he sat me down, told me he was leaving and that he was not in love with me anymore. He said he should have never married me. It was all a big mistake and that his vows meant nothing to him. This was a man who acted deeply in love with me as soon as 3 1/2 months back. He blamed me for neglecting him, not seeing his problems and basically said we are fundamentally wrong for each other and therefore he was never willing to work at it. He also said he didn't think I'd be a good mother and therefore didn't want a family with me so that was part of why he was leaving. He used the things in our life - city life, socialness with friends as all reasons that he wanted out. This was not the life he wanted to lead anymore. Instead of compromise and work - he was just done and wanted out.
He also told me he had formed an emotional connection through a support group with a woman (25 years old) who was going through cancer and did not have very good odds of making it. He said he was completely in love with her and therefore not in love with me. He'd been having this emotional affair for 2 1/2 months - when I sensed the withdraw. But he has never met her in person. It's all phone and email.
His therapist had said he may be suffering from PTSD. He said he lives in fear, has constant anxiety and panic attacks. He goes from anger and blame to I'm soo sorry I'm doing this. But his one constant is that he feels better now that he's made this decision and his trying to deal with so much in his life that he is incapable of being married. But then goes into blame mode that it's my fault for him leaving and he made the biggest mistake of his life marrying me.
He does not believe that any of his emotional struggles (PTSD) have anything to do with the demise of our marriage. He wants out immediately and has literally just unplugged his life from me and all of our friends.
He's cold, distant and the 7 1/2 years I gave him now just seem like I'm in the way. I don't want to make excuses for what has all happened but I know this is not rational behaviour. I am wondering if anyone has had similar experiences? I've read in the carer section and it appears so. Does PTSD do this to a relationship? So sudden, no warning and all is blamed on me? He is sooo certain it has nothing to do with his emotional turmoil. He says that he feels a huge relief now that I'm not in the picture and that I'm using his emotional struggles as an excuse for him not being in love with me anymore and claiming like he not been for awhile. The way he portrays our past is like an entirely different relationship that I wasn't even part of.
It is so hurtful. I feel so helpless. He doesn't even seem like the same person. Is the PTSD making him do this? It's like he made up his mind about our marriage, never included me in the conversation and just said that's it, I'm done and it's all your fault. There are truths to the faults in our marriage but they should have not been deal breakers.
I need to accept and understand all that has happened. I just don't want to make excuses for myself but it all seems so irrational, impulsive and not in character with who he is. It's like he snapped.
I'm wondering if anyone has words or advise on how to move on. I've been treating him with compassion and understanding but the bottom line is he is leaving me, he has had an emotional affair on me but he's also blaming me for it all on the way out.
I just needed to unload here. Sorry so long..any advice, understanding, words of wisdom are much appreciated.
Thank you.
I'm new to this forum & new to understanding PTSD. I have been so desperately seeking answers to all that just unfolded in my life. I've been with my husband for 7 1/2 years, 2 1/2 of which we've been married. Two weeks ago, he sat me down and told me he was leaving me. That the route of all his unhappiness stems from the marriage and me. I was in utter shock. I had NO idea he felt this way. He had expressed unhappiness once about 2 months ago claiming that he was unhappy but referenced "surfaced" reasons why - household division of responsibilities. I put more focus on the areas where he thought I was not contributing enough and he acknowledged and appreciated it. We'd been really busy in life and over the past 2-3 months I had felt disconnected from him but I thought we'd have time to try and get back to our connection. We both have high-stress jobs, he is in business school and we just bought a beautiful home where we thought our future would be together.
When I felt him withdrawing I just told him I loved him, was hear for him and that he could open up when he was ready. He would cry, have a lot of trouble breathing and told me he was incapable of "being here for me" or "loving me" when he didn't love himself. The night he broke it off he blamed things in our marriage like we didn't have enough time for each other, I had too busy of a social life, I put friends before him, I didn't need him enough. He said it'll never work because I want to live in the city and he wants a simpler, country life and I'd never be willing to move (this is not true). He would flip between blaming me for all of his unhappiness to anger about things in the marriage that hurt him to then telling me he had to a go on a journey by himself and I could not come along. He said he had to work on himself and I would never understand. He'd been seeking counselling on & off for a year without sharing this with me. Things that had presented issues in our marriage (ones that I believed couples communicated about and worked through) were now so final and the end of our marriage. I asked for counselling, a chance to try and understand and work at it and he said absolutely not, he was done, it was my fault and I took him for granted too long. He seemed very angry with me and blamed me for the reason he was leaving. He never once communicated the extent of his unhappiness and for the majority of our relationship seemed very happy and totally committed until the last 2 1/2 months.
Background
From the beginning we had an incredible connection and draw to one another. He strongly pursued me, we moved in after 6-months together at 27 and we lived together for 4 years before he proposed. We were engaged for a year and then happily married. Everyone in our life always said how much he adored me, looked at me with such love and I felt this way all the time as well. I reciprocated that love deeply but now he says he never felt it.
In 2006, he suffered a sudden pulmonary embolism at the age of 30. He essentially died at the hospital and they brought him back. I went into crisis management mode calling all family, staying strong and sharing details when they arrived. I gave the doctors critical information that saved his life and slept at the hospital for 4 nights while he fought for his life.
We walked away from the hospital on the 5th day and he was considered a miracle. I remember we told each other we'd never take each other for granted and held each other and shared our hopes, dreams, future etc. I encouraged him to see a counsellor to process what had happened and he went a few times but did not feel he needed it a the time. Things had not really processed for him.
A year plus later we were married. Things were still wonderful although I noticed he did not handle stress well. He would get very aggravated over little things that to me should not have been a big deal. If I'd drop something on the floor, if there was any clutter in the house, if he had to pack for a business trip - he became very angry. He started hating our tiny apartment in the city and blamed the city for his unhappiness saying it was making him into someone he is not. (he is from a rural area)
Then a year and half ago he was diagnosed with stage one testicular cancer. They removed his testicle and eradicated the cancer. He never had chemo, radiation or anything of the sort. He would sometimes say he wished he had so he could process it better. He struggled with having one testicle, the cancer the whole thing. I again encouraged him to see someone. He did not tell me if he did. He became increasingly angry and wanted for us to move into more space so badly. He hated our apartment and it became a real source of anger and agitation.
So finally, we saved and borrowed and called in every favour in the book to buy a house. It was a compromise a little outside the city but still very close and an urban area. All of our friends lived over here and for a few months he was happy. We renovated the basement which started to make him really seem very angry and stressed and we moved in a tenant downstairs. He had remarked how much he loved our new home and could see us living here for 10 or so years and we talked about the children we'd raise here.
Then the house became the source of anger. We had a few incidents with a very nosey neighbour, our car was violated and them he began to hate the house. Every little house problem, rain coming in from a window, light needing to be fixed all caused him so much anger. His anger made me retreat a bit where I thought he'd need space and alone time. I would go to hang out with friends without him. His drinking was also very extreme. We always would have cocktails on the weekend but he would drink whiskey and heavily.
Fast forward to 2 1/2 weeks ago where he sat me down, told me he was leaving and that he was not in love with me anymore. He said he should have never married me. It was all a big mistake and that his vows meant nothing to him. This was a man who acted deeply in love with me as soon as 3 1/2 months back. He blamed me for neglecting him, not seeing his problems and basically said we are fundamentally wrong for each other and therefore he was never willing to work at it. He also said he didn't think I'd be a good mother and therefore didn't want a family with me so that was part of why he was leaving. He used the things in our life - city life, socialness with friends as all reasons that he wanted out. This was not the life he wanted to lead anymore. Instead of compromise and work - he was just done and wanted out.
He also told me he had formed an emotional connection through a support group with a woman (25 years old) who was going through cancer and did not have very good odds of making it. He said he was completely in love with her and therefore not in love with me. He'd been having this emotional affair for 2 1/2 months - when I sensed the withdraw. But he has never met her in person. It's all phone and email.
His therapist had said he may be suffering from PTSD. He said he lives in fear, has constant anxiety and panic attacks. He goes from anger and blame to I'm soo sorry I'm doing this. But his one constant is that he feels better now that he's made this decision and his trying to deal with so much in his life that he is incapable of being married. But then goes into blame mode that it's my fault for him leaving and he made the biggest mistake of his life marrying me.
He does not believe that any of his emotional struggles (PTSD) have anything to do with the demise of our marriage. He wants out immediately and has literally just unplugged his life from me and all of our friends.
He's cold, distant and the 7 1/2 years I gave him now just seem like I'm in the way. I don't want to make excuses for what has all happened but I know this is not rational behaviour. I am wondering if anyone has had similar experiences? I've read in the carer section and it appears so. Does PTSD do this to a relationship? So sudden, no warning and all is blamed on me? He is sooo certain it has nothing to do with his emotional turmoil. He says that he feels a huge relief now that I'm not in the picture and that I'm using his emotional struggles as an excuse for him not being in love with me anymore and claiming like he not been for awhile. The way he portrays our past is like an entirely different relationship that I wasn't even part of.
It is so hurtful. I feel so helpless. He doesn't even seem like the same person. Is the PTSD making him do this? It's like he made up his mind about our marriage, never included me in the conversation and just said that's it, I'm done and it's all your fault. There are truths to the faults in our marriage but they should have not been deal breakers.
I need to accept and understand all that has happened. I just don't want to make excuses for myself but it all seems so irrational, impulsive and not in character with who he is. It's like he snapped.
I'm wondering if anyone has words or advise on how to move on. I've been treating him with compassion and understanding but the bottom line is he is leaving me, he has had an emotional affair on me but he's also blaming me for it all on the way out.
I just needed to unload here. Sorry so long..any advice, understanding, words of wisdom are much appreciated.
Thank you.
