Relationship Carers Need Support Too

[ISupportHer]

I guess this is not only a statement but also intended as a question.

First the statement. That this forum has such an important role for Carers too. I am not wanting a Carers vs Sufferers argument but simply stating that the resources here go beyond learning about specifics about PTSD. It is a place where anyone, Carers included, can share our feelings, touch base with others, get feedback. I have said several times that part of the beauty of the forum is the "people helping people" concept. Carers helping Sufferers, vice versa and any other combination! In a world where so many do not "get it" we can express our feelings here.

The question. Does anyone ever find this to cause problems with their sufferer? There have been discussions in the past about the pros and cons of disclosing the forum to our partners. Sometimes we retreat to this space as kind of a refuge but there can be the possibility of hard feelings if your partner sees and misinterprets what has been said. I guess I am just wondering about others' experiences.

The point has been made here, a valid one, that there should be the ability to be free to share all with our partners. Although this is true, I feel a lot of times things get in the way. Sometimes on the part of the Sufferer but also sometimes on the part of the Carer.

My wish? That we remember that PTSD is the enemy, not each other. That if a partner happens to come across something here, maybe feels hurt, that they try to look at the "why". That all of us here are doing all we can to combat that enemy.

ISH

 

[anthony]

My opinion.... if you say something here that you're not willing to say to your partner... even that you're not saying to them when you should be, then you are enabling bad behaviour and a lack of honesty within the relationship. This is why messages that get sent to staff about trying to delete or hide content from a partner or carer is ignored. Facts, truth, should not be hidden within a relationship, otherwise, what the hell is the point of being in the relationship to begin with. If anything, if one writes here and the other doesn't... you should let them read what you write in the public spaces... because if you can't say it, atleast it's a way for you to get it across to them. You shouldn't be hiding from it though... and again, I would say a piss poor way to have a relationship to begin with. Just my opinion though.

Do I have some secrets myself? Yes... but my wife knows this and knows they are military secrets which aren't for discussion. It is like having secret clearance in the military... because you have it doesn't entitle you to know everything classified secret, it only clears you to know what you need to know that is relevant to what you are doing. Many military personnel carry certain things around that just aren't for discussion unless with a person who has the same existing knowledge. So even secrets... aren't really a secret in my own relationship, because I have told my wife I have them, but she also knows they are military related, not something that I could discuss with her.

A relationship, mutual support and understanding... in my books, all comes down to being honest and open with one another. Call it love if you want... call it truth... call it a relationship maybe!!!

 

[Nicolette]

I read this thread before driving home and since it was peak hour (argh!) I have had a long time to think about it.

As some Carers know I have already stated my thoughts on conversations surrounding this subject but here are my thoughts while driving home:

• It saddens me that some Carers feel that they cannot post freely
• I believe the forum has the same set of rules and guidelines for both Sufferers and Carers and that is "you are entitled to your opinions and to share them in a non-attacking manner" and if someone reads something which could be misunderstood it is common knowledge that "clarification should be sought before jumping to the wrong conclusion".
• IMHO it is not healthy for Carers to stuff their emotions down or only disclose them in secrecy in fear of what reaction their Sufferer may have. This is borderline "walking on eggshells" and it is not demonstrating a healthy and open relationship.
• A Sufferer chooses to be in a relationship and should not be wrapped up in cotton wool by their Partner and protected from reality at the expense of the Carer. Exposure therapy is good and as a Carer you may have to pick your timing and select your words but hiding your true feelings is not healthy for anyone or the relationship - that is how resentment builds.
• If you don't say how you feel how will anything even have the chance of changing or at least coming to a compromise?
• Sufferers sometimes put us through hell and yes they have an illness to warrant it. Carers are people too and just because you don't have an illness does not invalidate you to the right to honor your true self.
• While a relationship is a two way street it doesn't mean that PTSD gives one person preferential 'power' over an other to the point where you don't feel free to speak.
• I honestly believe that some Carers, thinking they are protecting their Sufferer, actually enable behavior that may actually change if they speak up.
• Normal people in normal relationships have arguments, disagreements and discussions....why should one person having PTSD exempt the relationship from these normalities?
• If anyone comes here they must be prepared to have an open mind in order to help or better themselves. If a Sufferer is coming here to only read what you have posted and throw it back in the Carer's face it says to me you have a problem and it is not what is written (unless of course what was written was a blatant lie). Rather than look inward it is easier to attack someone else. It means that the onus is shifted and sometimes that is not what should be happening. There is a saying that the weakest form of defense is attack!
• We are all adults here so if we read something we don't like that doesn't mean it is wrong or gives us the right to invalidated it or attack someone over it. If coming to the forum and reading what your partner has written upsets you there are two options - either don't come to the forum or be an adult and discuss the issues with your partner.
• If you can be open, honest and reasonable there is nothing wrong with sharing your feelings and a partner should respect them - PTSD or not.

Anyway, I am sure that some wont like what I have to say but I believe all what I have written as it has given Anthony and I a fabulous relationship and now when he is sick it is not at my expense. Enough said!

 

[Frankie]

I am a firm believer that as carers, we need to find a place where we are able to vent, share, learn and make our own friends, if we are fortunate to do so.

I agree that we should share as much as possible with our partners. However, I also believe that everyone has little small white lies they keep from everyone else. That doesn't mean that our relationship isn't healthy, it just means we have the right to keep some things to ourselves.

I do agree with the above points and I did use those same principles in my relationship with my exbf.....like yours Nicolette, my relationship was fabulous too, as I know many here also have a great relationship with their sufferers. For 2 years, we were able to talk freely about everything, and we respected our thoughts and feelings. That changed when his PTSD got so uncontrolled and he left......and well, you know the rest :)

Unfortunately, like in all relationships......PTSD does not give us guarantees that the relationship will always be fabulous....there will be times when they will fall back and be triggered and so uncontrolled, that there will be problems....and it is mostly through their efforts, work and desire,........not what we say or do, that will make them better.

When we were together, and he was managing and controlling his PTSD, on top of talking to him about everything, I also did read many of my threads and posts to him.

But those are the magic words 'Managing and controlling". He was at a good place, when he heard what I had to say and read what I had written .....he was able to acknowledge and understand, and not overreact.

BUT, the problem is when they are not in a good place, when they are so fragile that anything they hear or read can have a different meaning for them,.....it is then, that we want to "protect" them..........not that we have a secret we don't want them to know about, ......but that we don't want them to be hurt more then they are already hurting and get to a worst place then they already are.

Frankie

 

[Grainne]

Great points here.

Yesterday I tried to express what Frankie did from a sufferers point of view, but failed miserably and deleted my words before I posted.

I have a good relationship with my husband and share much of what I post here with him, however, there are things that are mine and there are things that are his that we don't own mutually (emotionally speaking). I absolutely agree that a relationship should be open and honest and free, but, I also need to hold onto my own sense of self, as does my carer. We certainly do not lie to each other outright, and we're not being sneaky and omitting things that the other would want to know, but really... we share our lives, we share our child, we share love, respect, honor, friendship and support but we don't share every single thought in our heads. We are still two very seperate individuals, each with our own story. I learn more about him every day...as he does me, and I hope for that to continue for the rest of our lives, but I have no need for him tell me everything in his heart all the time. He keeps a personal journal, he leaves it out on the table in our office and I have never ever opened it and I never will. I think he is entitled to his own private thoughts and feelings, even if they are about me.

Sometimes, especially when I'm not at my best, I say things here that I wouldn't want him to misinterpret. He knows how alone I feel sometimes, how lonely this can be for me...panic, fear, all the rest. He knows I hate it...but he doesn't need to read about it, in a public forum. For him to hear how lonley I feel, without my face and voice and body language...might end up hurting him in a way I never intended.

I would NEVER tell him he couldn't read something I posted here. In fact, I've encouraged him to register more than once. He says that this is my place...my place to be free to say anything I need to say without fear of being misinterpreted by those I love. He stays away on purpose, to allow me that freedom. I think that there is alot to be said for that too.

 

[Frankie]

Ooppps sorry, I just reread what i had written and I don't mean "little small white lies" but what I mean was "little small white secrets" as in "thoughts".

Grainne, I do appreciate your post, it gives us a much needed perspective from a sufferer's viewpoint. Thank-you :)

Frankie

 

[Nicolette]

I thought this discussion wasn't about talking in private.....to me the little "small white secrets" are what you post in the Carers Private Section. To me to the topic was more general about posting in public and a Sufferer reading it and having a reaction versus that which remains private.

 

[ISupportHer]

Actually, the Sufferers view point is what I am interested in as far as their thoughts.

I agree that the points above are great and what SHOULD occur as far as feeling free to say anything. I just wonder what a Sufferer, particularly one with an abuse history, feels about their Carer coming here and posting things.

Not trying to get argumentative. The first intent of this thread was really to maybe share an awareness that Carers need to talk and that hopefully the Sufferer doesn't read something else into it. But like previously mentioned, CAN a Sufferer in crisis see that aspect all the time?

Maybe some can. I really don't know that all can but I appreciate all the ideas expressed.

ISH

 

[Nicolette]

ISH why don't you post your question in the Sufferers area & ask them if that is what you are after? You will be more likely to get an answer there than waiting for Sufferers to venture into this section.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am a 'sufferer' (hate the word), have an abuse history, and am not sure if I am (technically) a "carer" of a family member with undiagnosed ptsd.

I believe that 2 people in every relationship find and have a way of relating that is more complex when it involves communicating not only verbally, but to a great degree nonverbally. By that I mean, as a person with ptsd (or perhaps it is also based on my own deficiencies in communication), I am beginning to realize that much of what I process and worse yet trust is actually nonverbal.

I believe that abuse puts great mistrust on words.

I believe, as Frankie said, that a sufferer in a better place can be more objective- as we all can be. I do not believe that reading (their) carer's posts should be a negative thing- in fact, I think that it is absolutely critical for a carer to be able to express their needs, sadnesses, frustrations, and how they feel to their sufferer. Speaking for myself I think that a sufferer has to hear that, has to face facts and has to accept responsibility. However, that part of the equation I believe is likely best face to face.

I believe the "danger" (for a sufferer) in misinterpreting posts from a carer lies in reading some posts and not all posts; one post taken the wrong way yes, I believe could be very damaging to the sufferer taken in the wrong context. They will not necessarily see/ "hear" the love or forgiveness that is expressed perhaps in every other post. I think that this is partially due to black-and-white thinking, plus poor self-esteem/ self-worth, negative distortions, and mistrust (looking for validation of why your carer should not be with you). Granted, much depends on the content of the post, but I think the second danger lays in not being able to continue a back-and-forth communication (like in person, or live chat, etc). I think that if I read something negative (or so I thought) I would shut down completely (as opposed to questioning it or getting more info). Too many problems trusting, too much guilt and shame and self-rejection.

I realize that we (all) have to be responsible, and brutal honesty is absolutely necessary, too. But I know I have had times where I have felt so "raw", I don't think that I could ever properly process what I heard or read, if I could see it only from that vantage point.

I think that abuse (can) cause terrible ramifications that really strip and beat you down to rock bottom. I can only say that I think any carer should do whatever they feel out of love, to really try to objectively ask your heart-of-hearts what you think is best, and go with that. Every one is so different, every relationship so different, every person (sufferers and carers alike) can be in such a different place, at times. I know with ptsd I feel like: "How do I feel.. ok, what time is it?", sometimes.

Conversely, I imagine to read how much you are loved and forgiven or understood, would likely come as an astonishing surprise and ultimate gift. However, carers have to be honest, too, and sometimes ('we') are not so lovable. Or our behaviours/ symptoms aren't. Sometimes it's as hard for 'us' to blame the 'disease' as it is for carers. It's hard to seperate something that has been there forever from what is your core being or worth.

I believe that if it opens lines of communication- that's a tremendous gift, too. Perhaps to go through a few posts together, first, with the caveat of carers/ sufferes alike being encouraged to approach each other for clarification and understanding, could be one (possible) solution.

All JMHO, of course.

 

[ISupportHer]

ISH why don't you post your question in the Sufferers area & ask them if that is what you are after? You will be more likely to get an answer there than waiting for Sufferers to venture into this section.

Maybe I will later. This thought just kind of popped up as I was thinking of this earlier today. LOL, I tend to do that. Think of threads and various off shoots. Thanks!

ISH

 

[cynelena]

Does anyone ever find this to cause problems with their sufferer? There have been discussions in the past about the pros and cons of disclosing the forum to our partners. Sometimes we retreat to this space as kind of a refuge but there can be the possibility of hard feelings if your partner sees and misinterprets what has been said.

Most of you know that I carry the title of Carer to my Sufferer and I can tell you that I have seen it both ways with my BF. The way that he "interprets" things depends 100% on if he is well or not. I have invited him to join the forum or at the very least to browse some of the forum so that he could "see" for himself that he is not alone. He wants nothing to do with it, but on the same token he understands that I need the support I get from others here and that the knowledge that I have gained has very much helped me and our relationship.

Just this past week, he has had some struggles with his PTSD, sleeping (nor lack there of), and drinking excessively so I chose to share some of the stories and bits of conversations from here with him. In one breath he said "wow, that sounds just like me" and in the next got defensive and said "why would someone say that about a person with PTSD". None of what I shared with him should have bothered him, but because he has not been well as of late, he had a very unbalanced and diverse reaction to what I shared with him.

So, I can say honestly, that I do NOT share everything with him in regards to the forum or some of my PRIVATE conversations. That's what Private means. He would have his own Private section too if he chose to come here and I would respect that 100%. On the flip side, if he chose to read what I put in the PUBLIC portion of the forum, I can only hope that he is having a good day and doesn't try to "read between the lines" as he so often does when he's not well. We both have outside friendships and therapists for added support and I would say that overall, we ARE honest and very open with one another. I just have to take into consideration that what I say one day may have little to no effect on him, but then the same words could trigger him the next. It's all a part of the PTSD and not a reflection on our relationship.