Caring about Nothing and Overwhelmed

[whiteraven]

I keep thinking it can't get worse, and now I'm in a place where I care about nothing, and I'm overwhelmed, struggling to get through each day. I love my cats, but even there--I'm not giving them the time they need. That just lends to the overwhelm. I've come to hate my job (even though it's really a good job and a great company) and going outside and getting up in the morning.

I found out today that my mortgage has gone up nearly $200/month. My condo fees went up $50/month this year. I have 0 interest or ability to market my businesses. I'm barely making it at work. All the things I used to do I don't want to do anymore.

Not sure why I'm writing, except there is no one that gets it.

 

[arfie]

i have grown superstitious angst over that cliche about things getting worse. . .
performing superstitious gesticulations as i type. . .
i avoid the p-word (plans), also. the powers that be get equally touchy with my p-words. dunno if the superstitious gesticulations help, but. . . just in case. i love my buddy, justin.

I found out today that my mortgage has gone up nearly $200/month. My condo fees went up $50/month this year. I have 0 interest or ability to market my businesses.

gentle empathy. the project which was delayed by my inheritance of 3 orphans and extended by the covidic yaddah blahs would have cost me a whole lot less than the bid i just got yesterday. then we get to the expenses of caring for those 3 orphans. . . methinks we are just getting to the juicy part of covidic recovery. med/political pipers are far more expensive than musical pipers and payment is due.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's a horrible place to be. Do you find the overwhelming feeling just crippled the ability to do anything, and it just becoming a vicious cycle?

What's incredibly positive is that:
You have a job
You are getting up to do it.
You're maintaining that routine and doing things
You are looking after the cats. (Feeding etc)

You have a baseline. And despite how you feel, you're maintaining it. And that is impressive.

Sometimes the basics of getting up, self hygiene, going through the motions, getting some resemblance of sleep, and starting again, is what is achievable.

Breaking down what needs to be completed, does that help? Bite sized?

 

[whiteraven]

Do you find the overwhelming feeling just crippled the ability to do anything, and it just becoming a vicious cycle?

Interesting. Actually, I think it's the reverse for me. I don't want to do anything, nothing interests me anymore, and then everything I *have* to do feels overwhelming.

What's incredibly positive is that:
You have a job
You are getting up to do it.
You're maintaining that routine and doing things
You are looking after the cats. (Feeding etc)

Ok, so you're right. These are all good things. People have been pointing this out for a long time.

BUT, from my perspective, they are positive things ONLY for other people. I mean, people looking in/at me, you know..."oh look, she's got a job, she's getting out of bed, she's caring for her cats. That's great." Who is that great for? I think it's only great for the people looking in. So they can see I'm functional, and they don't have to worry that I might be jumping off a bridge or rotting in my bed.

It doesn't feel good to me because it I struggle through all of it. And no one hears me unless I'm failing at the functional stuff. "Oh, she's doing ok. Look, she's working and caring for her cats, and going to the grocery."

You have a baseline. And despite how you feel, you're maintaining it. And that is impressive.

Yeah, I really need to understand how just maintaining for years is a good thing for *me*. Asking honestly. I don't understand.

Sometimes the basics of getting up, self hygiene, going through the motions, getting some resemblance of sleep, and starting again, is what is achievable.

It's been pretty constant for me for a long time. Even the extra stuff I do I only do because I can't stand being awake and not doing something.

Breaking down what needs to be completed, does that help? Bite sized?

This does help, to get stuff done. If I have to be alive and awake, some things have to be done, so I make lists. They help frame my day. But I guess I'm not finding any joy (or just plain happiness or even content) in anything I do.

Thanks for the discussion!

 

[Friday]

Not sure why I'm writing, except there is no one that gets it.

Overwhelm & the “f*ck it” that so often accompanies? Is 100% why I walked away from my life (no job, no home, no friends, no lovers, no pets, nada… just me) a few dozen times… before I figured out the pattern & started fighting against it, in a few different ways. Leading to a few dozen more colossal life f*ckups. I’m sorry this is new, for you. This was veeeeeery early days in my PTSD. And I was still young/strong/healthy enough to recover from nuking my life in response to symptoms I didn’t understand. I cannot even imagine how difficult it must be having a life of accomplishments before hitting this particular ...dead zone? kaBOOM? Nuke? Going quietly into this night? Symptom cluster? Seeeeriously f*cked up place.

i have grown superstitious angst over that cliche about things getting worse. . .

True, that.

I’ve never found anything in life that cannot be made worse. Radiation sickness & being set on fire (and children being raped/tortured/murdered in front of me) form my own personal NOPE! It could always be that bad. In addition to everything/anything currently going on. Which is NOT minimization. But life experience / fear of testing Fate. No matter how bad anything is? It can always be worse. Always.

Interesting. Actually, I think it's the reverse for me. I don't want to do anything, nothing interests me anymore, and then everything I *have* to do feels overwhelming.

Are you familiar with “anhedonia”?

It’s the blood & bone of depression… nothing feels… not numbing/distance/etc. it’s “just” a lack of feeling. It doesn’t feel good to eat, because you’re not hungry. It doesn’t feel good to do, because you don’t care. The 10,000 normal parts of life people do, are… pointless. Feeling, wise. Food is tasteless. Actions are boring. Sleep is stupid. There is nothing positive associated with …anything.

But it’s not exactly neutral, either. Because if it were? It wouldn’t be so HARD to do the things that normal feel good/useful/necessary. Instead it’s like a numbness with a little flare of distaste/why f*cking bother?!?

BUT, from my perspective, they are positive things ONLY for other people.

Cognitive Distortion >>> Disqualifying the positive.

I know. That’s a f*ck you / kiss my ass kind of “heads up!” But? Also a thing to be aware of / make use of.

 

[whiteraven]

I’m sorry this is new, for you.

Hm...it's not really. Not recently so, anyway. I've been through periods like this all my life. This one just seems worse, I think, because I don't have the support I used to. All of my good friends have died, I'm no longer associated with the church I used to attend, I've reached a point in therapy where I think it's just up to me now, etc.

I cannot even imagine how difficult it must be having a life of accomplishments before hitting this particular ...dead zone?

Funny...I used to use that term "dead zone" a long, long time ago to describe how I was emotionally. I've been through this many, many times before, but this just feels different.

Are you familiar with “anhedonia”?

Oh yeah.

Cognitive Distortion >>> Disqualifying the positive.

I'm not sure I agree with this. I'd like to hear how all that stuff--getting up, working, etc.--is positive if, in fact, I am miserable all the time. If it doesn't help me feel better in any way. I stayed in bed this morning until 11, and that felt better. No work, no responsibilities of any kind.

 

[Rose White]

they are positive things ONLY for other people

What makes something like a routine or caring for cats positive for a person inside their self?

All the things I used to do I don't want to do anymore

Maybe try things you’ve never done? Doesn’t have to be big things.

no one that gets it.

I suspect this is a key to the puzzle. No wonder you’re overwhelmed and exhausted. Living without anyone that understands you is maybe one of the worst things that a person could experience.

 

[Friday]

I'm not sure I agree with this. I'd like to hear how all that stuff--getting up, working, etc.--is positive if, in fact, I am miserable all the time. If it doesn't help me feel better in any way. I stayed in bed this morning until 11, and that felt better. No work, no responsibilities of any kind.

Try not doing it for a month. Or even a week. Or even possibly just imagine… Piss/shit in the bed, don’t eat or drink or bathe or read or do ANYTHING… except lay there.

I’ve had enough severe medical issues in my life ^^^that^^^ WAS my life. For months at a time. Where even “just” being able to go to the bathroom? Was the ONE major accomplishment of the day. And then my 6 accomplishments of the day. And months, sometimes years, longer before “all that stuff” could even be attempted, much less maintained so easily I didn’t think anything of them, instead of fighting for every inch. They’re VERY good things. That most healthy people? Totally discount. (Disqualifying the positive).

Similarly? I’ve been depressed enough that the ONLY thing I could do was get up to use the bathroom, drink out of the faucet, and go back to bed. A week of that makes using the loo & drinking seem like, Pfft. Whatever! (Disqualifying the positive).

Yep!!! They are either scraping the bottom of the barrel (being physically able to take care of yourself), or the goal of virtually everyone on disability/unable to work (so we’ll say something more midline in the whole being human thing). UNTIL? You don’t have them & cant, no matter how much you want them. Then? They’re climbing Everest and winning the lottery amaaaaaazing GOOD things.

Being physically & financially capable of taking care of yourself? Doesn’t mean a person won’t kill themselves in despair. Totally self sufficient people are often in so much pain they kill themselves all the time, whilst people shitting their bed are fighting to live, and finding great joy in their life.

The URGE to disqualify the positive, however? This doesn’t count, that only counts for other people, etc… Is a daaaaangerous place to be in. A warning sign that I’m not dealing with reality as it is, but deliberately/unconsciously making myself even more miserable, on top of any/all legit misery. Like you’ve probably seen (or experienced) people in anxiety attacks feeding their anxiety until they’re panic attacks and then feeding their panic until it’s a psychotic break. SPINNING themselves up further & further & further… until they break.

Disqualifying the positive is much the same; shredding yourself, until you gut yourself, until psychotic &/or suicidal break.

It’s less about it will make you feel better (usually won’t!) and more about NOT feeling even worse.

A lot like HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) makes everything worse, as does low oxygen if you have asthma, or low blood sugar if you’re hypoglycemic, or spinning yourself up / catastrophizing with anxiety… being unable to recognize the good whilst overwhelmed &/or sliding into a depression, or deeper into one.

I often think of a lot of CDs as grabbing hold of reality with both hands, and hanging on for dear life… instead of throttling it.

 

[Catlyn]

I keep thinking it can't get worse, and now I'm in a place where I care about nothing, and I'm overwhelmed, struggling to get through each day. I love my cats, but even there--I'm not giving them the time they need. That just lends to the overwhelm. I've come to hate my job (even though it's really a good job and a great company) and going outside and getting up in the morning.

I found out today that my mortgage has gone up nearly $200/month. My condo fees went up $50/month this year. I have 0 interest or ability to market my businesses. I'm barely making it at work. All the things I used to do I don't want to do anymore.

Not sure why I'm writing, except there is no one that gets it.

Aloha, Sure understand about no one that gets it...I've been suicidal for years and have tried many times without success. At 67yrs, on SS, just recently diagnosed with Lupus and Connective Nerve Tissue disease...I too loved my cat, he died. In a very small town. Also not interested in anything and seems I've lost friends after Covid...no close or extended family, also not sure why I'm writing, Sending Love and hoping it works out for you. My issue is that I'm just done and not sure what to do...