Challenges of Honesty and Privacy in Relationships

[xCosmicDarex]

My partner and I have been in a fight for almost 4 weeks now. I'll start from the beginning.

I ended up in the ER with severe migraines and I was tired and they gave me something to relax. While I was sleeping, my partner took my phone and put in my passcode and decided to look through my messages on my discord.

Now. We are both at fault for this fight. I had given him my passcode a while back, and I have never given anyone my passcode but it was my way of proving to him that he could trust me. I didn't know he would just up and invade my privacy while I slept in a hospital bed. That was shitty.

He found conversations that I had with people I told him I wasn't friends with anymore. I lied. One of these people was someone I had a previous casual online relationship with. That relationship came to an end when I had started things up with him though. Like I stopped all flirting and all everything with the guy as soon as i found interest in my boyfriend. I did continue the friendship, and I lied that i did. And I did lie about having a casual relationship previously. I didn't think it mattered since it wasn't his business.

We get home from the hospital, he confronts me and he's angry and goes home. I shut down and sleep because I'm still drugged from the hospital.

He comes back over a couple days later and for the next few days, we do tackle this issue. I thought we tackled a good chunk. I found out recently that we only tackled a fraction of it. He wants to sit down and go over this discord conversation with me and look at it together and have me admit to my lies. My thought process regarding that idea is that he has already seen this conversation...so why do we have to do this? I already apologized for lying and he says that just my words. Again, he's already seen this conversation, so I'm not hiding anything. I am open and honest about damn near everything else in my life with him and its only been 4 months of dating. I think I'm so secretive about this because he decided to pry it out of me and I'm uncomfortable. He tells me this is the only way he can move on.

He's also read articles and several books that what i did to him counts as emotional cheating and that messed me up so bad because I am not a cheater. I do not constitute this situation as cheating. We learned that high stress situations cause my migraines, so this isn't helping. I don't know what to do. It's tearing us apart. I do not feel comfortable showing him this conversation that he has already invaded and seen. He's promised that he won't get angry or use it against me or make me feel embarrassed or ashamed. Unfortunately, I don't believe him. I have some trauma from a past relationship that was extremely abusive.

Honestly. I don't know what I need. I want to save up money for a couples therapist. Even at 4 months in, I'll do it. Anything to make this go away. But I won't do something that every fiber of my being says NO to his request.

 

[Jade-]

You gave him your passcode to prove he could trust you knowing you were lying. I am assuming by doing that you thought he would never really look at your phone. But he has looked, something you had given him permission to do ,has caught you in lies, and now you think it's wrong that he wants to talk about it and that you should admit to your lies.

You don't want to talk about it & don't want to admit to your lies but say you will do anything to make it go away.

Maybe try doing the right thing and it will go away.

 

[Friday]

4 weeks of fighting, flogging the same dead horse, in a 4 month relationship???

You admitted you lied about staying friends with an ex, & you apologized.

What more is there to say?

Hell, how can this have been a conversation lasting 4 weeks??? That's 25% OF your relationship.

 

[Movingforward10]

I agree with @Friday.
You might be better off examining why you want to save a relationship with such high drama. You're both getting something out of this and it's unhealthy.
Maybe step back and reflect.

What is the pull to stay in this?
You lied - why? What was the point in that? What was driving that for you?
He now doesn't trust you. Understandable. He barely knows you. And yet, here you both are wanting to carry on.
If he can't let it go: he should walk away.
If you don't want to do what he requests: walk away.

.4 month into a relationship: it's meant to be fun.

 

[Cosmic]

You gave him your passcode to prove he could trust you knowing you were lying. I am assuming by doing that you thought he would never really look at your phone. But he has looked, something you had given him permission to do ,has caught you in lies, and now you think it's wrong that he wants to talk about it and that you should admit to your lies.

You don't want to talk about it & don't want to admit to your lies but say you will do anything to make it go away.

Maybe try doing the right thing and it will go away.

I did admit to the lies, though. By giving a passcode to someone does not imply giving permission to browse through their phone. He claims he did it out of boredom. He did apologize for his actions. We've both apologized. I didn't make him prove or show me or anything.

 

[Cosmic]

I agree with @Friday.
You might be better off examining why you want to save a relationship with such high drama. You're both getting something out of this and it's unhealthy.
Maybe step back and reflect.

What is the pull to stay in this?
You lied - why? What was the point in that? What was driving that for you?
He now doesn't trust you. Understandable. He barely knows you. And yet, here you both are wanting to carry on.
If he can't let it go: he should walk away.
If you don't want to do what he requests: walk away.

.4 month into a relationship: it's meant to be fun.

The very beginning was a lot of fun. It was going so smoothly. We have amazing chemistry. This drama and situation blew up and destroyed everything. He says that if we can make it through this, we'll be stronger than ever. I honestly don't know why I lied. I think it was to protect his feelings because he already didn't like the dude. Idk.

 

[Movingforward10]

The very beginning was a lot of fun. It was going so smoothly. We have amazing chemistry. This drama and situation blew up and destroyed everything. He says that if we can make it through this, we'll be stronger than ever. I honestly don't know why I lied. I think it was to protect his feelings because he already didn't like the dude. Idk.

4 months is still the beginning....

He doesn't need to like the person. You can be friends with whoever you want. If you are lieing about who you are in contact with because he doesn't want you to be in contact with them: big red flag.
No one gets to say who you speak to and who you don't, other than you.

Everyone has past relationships. And people who are jealous about that, are not the type of people to be in relationships with. It's controlling.


Sounds like you don't want to walk away from this even though if it isn't right for you both, prolonging something that isn't right makes it so much more painful.
So if you're not going to walk away: you either stick to your guns and say you're not talking about it anymore. Or you do what he says and be open to that resolving it.
Either way: if it doesn't get resolved: one of you needs to walk away before this whole things becomes more toxic.

 

[Ecdysis]

He claims he did it out of boredom.

Seriously...??

There's a lot of very red flags in this whole situation...

 

[Friday]

He's also read articles and several books that what i did to him counts as emotional cheating and that messed me up so bad because I am not a cheater. I do not constitute this situation as cheating. W

Anything to make this go away. But I won't do something that every fiber of my being says NO to his request.

This is kind of an easy one... people define cheating in different ways, and "each" way has the same arc to it for the person with that definition.

It takes most people 2 years to "recover" from being cheated on. Whether they reconcile or stay together.

If he believes you cheated on gin, by texting an ex, you're looking at 2 years of "this". Before it "goes away". Assuming it ever does since you have so many different definitions about big things.

He's also read articles and several books that what i did to him counts as emotional cheating and that messed me up so bad because I am not a cheater. I do not constitute this situation as cheating.

Neither would I... but tons and tons of research says it really doesn't matter WHAT an individual views as cheating/infidelity, it will take them apx 2 years to "recover" from it... if and only if... thee are no more instances.

If your boyfriend is reading books to help him deal with "your" infidelity, 3 months into a relationship? And views any kind of friendship as an emotional affair? You're looking at 2 years of "this" that you're so desperate to stop (assuming you stop having friends, and do the isolated from friends by romantic parter thing).

To be VERY CLEAR I am NOT saying your boyfriend is abusive. However, since YOU are coming out of a history of abusive relationships ... do you really think it's wise to be with someone who has such different views on baseline items (from what constitutes cheating, privacy, respect, to what you "need" to do to "make him feel _______"?) that the core. of. your. being. is screaming at you???

The first 6mo of a relationship are the "honeymoon" stage, and things have blown up this badly, already. That does not mean either of you are bad people, but it speaks to profound mismatch around your core values & identity. Being willing to abandon your own for his? Shouts that you're still bleeding from your abusive relationship. Healthy people don't do that, when things "aren't working" this early in. (First 2 years). People who are hurting do.

He does NOT have to be abusive for you to call it quits. Only people who have been abused see that as a minimum standard, and "but it's not that bad" I.E. only soooome kinds of abuse are reeeeeally worth leaving over.

Healthy people? Break up with amazing people. That they're thrilled to have known & have had in their lives, but ABC-XYZ (aspects of personality, life goals, logistics, etc.) are a mismatch.

MOST relationships that make it out the gate? End around the 6mo mark. Of the few that keep going? MOST end around the 2 year mark. It is NOT "failing" or something wrong with you -or him- to end things when they're not working.

Am I saying to break up? Nope! It's your life. Date who you want, how you want. You're. The only one who has to / gets to live your life.

I'm saying the same things I had to RELEARN after my first abusive relationship. I didn't get there completely before I got into my second, (and I brought a child into that one, who will suffer the cost of mistakes for the rest of his life) but DID after I divorced him. <<< They're hard lessons, once abuse has moved those bars, even with a history of dating amaaaazing men before abuse f*cked up my head.

So I am NOT saying what you "should" do. Simply sharing basic things it took me a LONG time to remember, much less apply in my own life.

Best wishes. Whatever your decisions.

 

[Weemie]

"Emotional cheating" isn't a real thing. You are allowed to be friends with whoever you want. The lying was wrong, but you already apologized for it. He wants you to continue this apology tour of beating a dead horse and self-flagellation because he is insecure and incapable of understanding that human beings can have multiple friends. Either he gets over it or he doesn't, but the ball is in his court. It was fun and now it's not. Time to re-evaluate.

 

[Sideways]

By giving a passcode to someone does not imply giving permission to browse through their phone

For me? It would absolutely imply that. And I’d proceed on the basis that unless we agree it’s an Emergency Only thing, then giving someone the key to my door absolutely implies they’re allowed to use it.

That’s the purpose of keys.

And yeah, people are going to have different opinions on that, but that’s a situation where he isn’t wrong, he just sees it differently to you

Just like the cheating. Different opinions on what that is.

And unless you find someone that agrees on the minutiae of everything with you, accepting and respecting those differences of opinion is critical to a successful relationship.

This drama and situation blew up and destroyed everything.

Yeah.

It’s bizarre that, 4 months in, with only 3 of those months apparently happy, you’d press ahead with this.

You know you’re allowed to find a partner that actually makes your life better, right?

This is the honeymoon period - this is the happiest and easiest it will ever be.

 

[Ecdysis]

Do either you or your boyfriend have PTSD Cosmic?