Relationship Change Over Time

[Nicolette]

At the end of this month, I've been a supporter for 9 years! Wow, where has the time gone?! The PTSD lows I've had to deal with seem to not be as bad as I first used to deal with and I know I handle them better as does my husband. The meltdowns seem to be less frequent but none the less, they are always a tough time.

Last night Anthony hit a point which I've seen coming for weeks. An overseas holiday, non-stop visitors, an increased social life, me and my work stress, a new puppy, handing over the reins to this forum (good stress) and so on... the writing was on the wall and it was just like watching a ticking time bomb.

We're actually supposed to go to a wedding today and I'm wondering how he'll pull up as he basically drank himself stupid. It's 3am in the morning and I can't sleep and I can still smell the alcohol on his breath as if he'd just drunk it. He did text me earlier in the day and tell me he was trying to drink himself to sleep.

As a lot of supporters often write, I experienced the verbal lashing and I was climbing the walls wishing the swear words would stop. I find swearing other than in extreme frustration annoying and when ever second word is one it get a bit much. The puppies were a blessing and I know they prevented the normal 'flight' response which would have been him taking off on a plane interstate and me being even more stressed. My only comment is I'm glad they can't understand what he was saying as I'm sure they'd be somewhat scarred :tdown:. While he laid on the floor in a drunken slumber, the puppies climbed over him and he petted them. It was just what was coming out of his mouth :cautious:

He was in an out of what I would say was a 'psychotic break' (to a lesser degree) as hours after I came home when he got up to eat he had no recollection of things which had occurred earlier in the evening. He said he'd been sleeping but he was more in a strange state which was between someone sleep talking and in a drunken state. At one point he was hitting himself.

Why am I writing this? Well for the first time, I was forewarned by him before I came home that he was basically having a 'meltdown' and he texted he had drunk all my vodka. I asked if he needed me to come home early and he said he was okay and the puppies were too (there's a lot to be said about the health benefits from dogs for PTSD Sufferers IMHO) and that he would be home. To me the fact that he said he'd be home was re-assuring to some extent, as while I understand these lows, I suffer from abandonment issues and his coping mechanisms to date always targeted my weakest spot causing me the greatest pain. This time I just knew I had to deal with him being overloaded and not all my buttons being pushed at the same time. I coped so much better and just rode the situation out as best as I could without provoking him.

The sad part was listening (in the moment, for the first time) to him saying he wanted to 'kill himself' but saying he didn't want to die yet the voices in his head were wanting him to die. I'm still processing this.

My thoughts to share are it can get better as a supporter (for the greatest part) and the lows can be less deep. This illness will NEVER go away, I'm convinced of that, and I hate how they suffer but I think it also takes something away from you. It's like a wave washing over the same rock, with it ever so slowly eroding it away and by doing so, changing the rock ever so slightly. I know I will never be the same person pre dealing with PTSD. It's not all bad and for one thing, it's made me tougher as I was always compassionate and strong.

I hope this makes sense... just trying to unravel the thoughts in my head.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I'm glad that the symptoms are even during breakdowns being less. It's a tough thing to deal with still, especially seeing someone you love suffering, but it's better than before at least.

It makes absolute sense, all of it. Currently I've been entering a mutual support agreement with a friend that I found out went through similar as I did. It's the lows that really hurt, because when it's normal it could even go unnoticed. But the lows hit hard.

The pain and the fear of losing someone you love, them wanting to kill themselves... Just try to keep it in mind, it's not him speaking, it's the PTSD getting better of him. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want to leave you alone.

I'm sorry for the suffering you are going through with the support. Hoping it gets better soon

Sending warm hugs, :hug:

 

[Nicolette]

Just try to keep it in mind, it's not him speaking, it's the PTSD getting better of him. He doesn't want it. He doesn't want to leave you alone.

Thank you @Saelben :). I realise this but at the time, coupled with the text message earlier in the day of "I'll always love you, never forget that" it makes me think of posts like poor Medic72 whose husband lost his battle......... life is fragile and even more so with PTSD.:(

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Nicolette
I understand, it's awful what it can make us do...

I nearly did that, one bad low, some instability, and I was in the ER. It's shitty what it can make us do, but you know, suicide attempts, at least failed ones, have a purpose. To learn how much we would rather be alive, and to make us fight harder to stay alive. Worst thing is going beyond the line of no return, and then wanting to turn back.

Even if he were to attempt, there is a high chance he would turn back before the point of no return. It's awful what happened with medic, but it's different people, different things will happen. Anthony wouldn't go past the line.

 

[Nicolette]

This morning he's between wanting to jump off a bridge and shoot himself and we are supposed to go to a wedding. The puppies are playing with him on the bed which seems to be cheering him up a bit.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

He is recovering from the previous state. Damn, PTSD makes one bite the dirt hard sometimes.

What would help you feel better? The puppies might be help enough for the wedding.

 

[intothelight]

@Nicolette

Good stress, bad stress, life ..... it can just add up. Sometimes there just has to be a point where you stop and get off the merry go round of life for a while. Its not that a person is particularly unhappy, upset with their spouse, or really upset or mad at anything in particular, it is that life becomes too much some times. I can only speak for myself as a person that has PTSD, but I know that I hit points where I just CAN'T handle another person, decision, choice, obligation or frankly much of anything. I just want to be alone and quiet so my brain, emotions and body can just recoup.

Yes, pets are amazing as just petting them is calming and relaxing. I spend a lot of time walking dogs in parks or out in the horse pasture with just the animals and I. I know it is so hard for supporters and other family members to understand the overload and then the isolation, but it really is (at least for me) a much needed "rest" so I can gather myself and resume life.

I hope all is well with both of you. Sometimes it is good just to shut out the world and take a true break from everything. It doesn't hurt anyone and even some of my "normal" friends and family are getting the message about unplugging from the world and the benefits. Fortunately, for most it is a choice, but when PTSD is rearing its ugly head it becomes a need.

 

[Sweetpea76]

((Hugs)) @Nicolette

I can manage lashing out, isolation, and the occasional drunken night, but any talk of suicide still panics me. That's the scariest thing ever. :(

Nobody wants to see their love in so much pain.

 

[Flossy]

@Nicolette The one thing I have learned just recently is how the "I want to be dead" thought that comes is directly connected to "shame". I learned this after hearing about South Pacific Private in Sydney where they do a 3 week course on "Development Issues" which they believe is behind all trauma and all drug & alcohol problems. I chose not to go but I found some of their lectures on Youtube. I would like to put in a link to one on shame. I hope Anthony might read this too and see if he can relate to it. I found it made me pull myself out of being connected to the "wanting to be dead" thoughts as meaning I wanted to die. I realised instead that I was so ashamed after going downhill or not coping that I simply thought there was no hope. Somehow realising this has taken away the power of the suicidal thinking. It still comes but I can see it is a result of feeling ashamed. The lecture I want to link talks about healthy shame, people in our lives who act shamelessly and cause us trauma and the shame that binds us to our trauma. I would also like to put in a link to a guy who talks about his book called The Shame That Binds Us. I hope this is some help to Anthony and to you.

I hope you gave yourselves permission to not go to the wedding. If not, I hope you give yourself permission to have a slob's day tomorrow, stay in your jamies and watch some really mindless movies and eat comfort food together with the phone turned off and the house shut up and cosy.

Dealing with Shame in Recovery By Steve Stokes from South Pacific Private.....I wrote to this guy and he was so generous and ready to link me to many PTSD topics.

If you go to You tube and type in South Pacific Private and then the words Shame it will come up with the lecture on Shame in Recovery.

Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw...There are five or six parts to this talk.

I found watching both a great help to me. I hope it helps. Even if not now, I think it is worthy of a Bookmark to look at when you are both feeling a little less overwhelmed. Look after yourselves and take a break from the pressures just for one day. You need it, it is necessary. (( hugs))

 

[Milo's papa]

At the end of this month, I've been a supporter for 9 years! Wow, where has the time gone?! The PTSD low...

Nicolette, I want to thank you for this post. After eight long and grueling years of supporting my wife as she comes to grips with the horrors of her first 22 years of this life, I often wonder if it will ever get any easier. The lows are still just a low, and the anger is just as fierce, but my ability to cope/handle all of this has improved greatly.
She has come a long way from where she started, but her T says she still has a long way to go. She still can't be left alone for more than a few minutes, (out of fear she may seriously hurt herself) but this has become the "new normal" for our lives. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I had the ability to take it all away from her so she doesn't have to suffer anymore.
It is good to know that, given enough time, it will get easier, I just wish it to be sooner than later.
I can't wait for the day when we can all look back upon this time and say "Damn, I'm glad that's over.

 

[Nicolette]

I can't wait for the day when we can all look back upon this time and say "Damn, I'm glad that's over.

I hope that comes for you sooner rather than later @Milo's papa :hug:

 

[Milo's papa]

I hope that comes for you sooner rather than later @Milo's papa :hug:

That makes 5 of us, (my family and you).