Mach123
VIP Member
I have been writing a lot and find it very therapeutic. I am afraid I might be repeating myself in some of these things but I want to share a thing and encourage everyone. (Hopefully)
I feel like the word trigger is very overused now. Just because you get upset that does not IMO mean you are triggered. I was just talking with my wife about my behavior and she agrees that I have changed considerably and I have. One specific behavior in which I would be triggered (trigger myself) and have an episode I don't do anymore. I think real triggers cause episodes? Just an opinion but I'll write it down and you can decide.
I used to shop and buy things I would return on purpose. (self-harm) I actually lived in fear of this. I knew my behavior was episodic. I knew that there was about a 95% probability when I bought something I would return it and not just return it, I'd have an episode. It happened all the time it was so painful and once it started I had to run the whole thing out to the end and I couldn't stop it. My poor sister (abuse survivor, recluse, shut-in, elderly not well) is still doing this. It was horrible.
I'd buy something. When I bought it I'd already be upset because I knew it was not quite right and I knew this could be an episode starting but I'd tell myself, "no it'll be ok don't worry" but I was already worried because on some level I knew I was setting the thing up, setting myself up for failure (self-harm) Then, I'd get the thing home. Preferably later in the day or at night so "the store will be closing soon." Then I'd take the thing out of the bag and the "not rightness" would become an overwhelming catastrophe. lol! I do not know how else to describe the feeling I'd get. It was awful! I think it made me feel like I was bad or wrong somehow or I couldn't do anything right or who knows what. I'd go crazy though. It was like I couldn't just forget it till tomorrow, even if I was going to be up that way the next day. I had to fix it and I had to do it right away.
Then I was running. Like teeth grinding, total episode, frantic. So upset, like the end of the world. Until that thing was back in the store and I was home again I felt like someone had a gun up against my head. I don't know how else to describe the severity of the madness I'd go through over such a simple thing like that. You can imagine the shape I was in when I walked in the store after driving back like a maniac. I would look at the poor person working and be like, "just even make a hint that you won't let me return this and watch what I'm going to do." I feel miserable thinking about it lol. I worked at retail a couple years and faced people like me. (nobody as severe thank goodness!)
So, I don't do this anymore. I don't know when I stopped doing it. I don't know how I stopped doing it except through knowledge of my condition and therapy, but it's gone. I shop peacefully. I return things but it's no rush. I can wait. I'm patient. I like shopping, it's soothing and therapeutic. I never could shop before. The whole thing was a total nightmare. It's over thank you God, I suffered so much from that.
I've gotten better, there is some hard evidence. Like I said before, I have a witness. When she tells me I'm better, believe me, it means something lol. Merry Christmas and happy shopping! If I am getting better it means you can get better also. : )
I feel like the word trigger is very overused now. Just because you get upset that does not IMO mean you are triggered. I was just talking with my wife about my behavior and she agrees that I have changed considerably and I have. One specific behavior in which I would be triggered (trigger myself) and have an episode I don't do anymore. I think real triggers cause episodes? Just an opinion but I'll write it down and you can decide.
I used to shop and buy things I would return on purpose. (self-harm) I actually lived in fear of this. I knew my behavior was episodic. I knew that there was about a 95% probability when I bought something I would return it and not just return it, I'd have an episode. It happened all the time it was so painful and once it started I had to run the whole thing out to the end and I couldn't stop it. My poor sister (abuse survivor, recluse, shut-in, elderly not well) is still doing this. It was horrible.
I'd buy something. When I bought it I'd already be upset because I knew it was not quite right and I knew this could be an episode starting but I'd tell myself, "no it'll be ok don't worry" but I was already worried because on some level I knew I was setting the thing up, setting myself up for failure (self-harm) Then, I'd get the thing home. Preferably later in the day or at night so "the store will be closing soon." Then I'd take the thing out of the bag and the "not rightness" would become an overwhelming catastrophe. lol! I do not know how else to describe the feeling I'd get. It was awful! I think it made me feel like I was bad or wrong somehow or I couldn't do anything right or who knows what. I'd go crazy though. It was like I couldn't just forget it till tomorrow, even if I was going to be up that way the next day. I had to fix it and I had to do it right away.
Then I was running. Like teeth grinding, total episode, frantic. So upset, like the end of the world. Until that thing was back in the store and I was home again I felt like someone had a gun up against my head. I don't know how else to describe the severity of the madness I'd go through over such a simple thing like that. You can imagine the shape I was in when I walked in the store after driving back like a maniac. I would look at the poor person working and be like, "just even make a hint that you won't let me return this and watch what I'm going to do." I feel miserable thinking about it lol. I worked at retail a couple years and faced people like me. (nobody as severe thank goodness!)
So, I don't do this anymore. I don't know when I stopped doing it. I don't know how I stopped doing it except through knowledge of my condition and therapy, but it's gone. I shop peacefully. I return things but it's no rush. I can wait. I'm patient. I like shopping, it's soothing and therapeutic. I never could shop before. The whole thing was a total nightmare. It's over thank you God, I suffered so much from that.
I've gotten better, there is some hard evidence. Like I said before, I have a witness. When she tells me I'm better, believe me, it means something lol. Merry Christmas and happy shopping! If I am getting better it means you can get better also. : )
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